Disgusted	 Disgusted

 by Wiccan Moonlight Faery

 This is my first Smallville fic, so please be nice. Takes place during
"Crush." 

 

  

 Lex hated hospitals. 

 They smelled of death. Of blood and rubbing alcohol in the painfully
stale air. There were many ghosts of the past lingering in that place. And
so many of them were associated with him. So many of the ghosts belonged
to Lex Luthor. 

 And yet, he always ended up back there. Out of some strange twist of
fate, he always ended up within those walls once again. He was drawn there
each time, as if by some unknown force, manifested in Clack's panic
stricken phone calls. 

 That was one good thing about when Lex had lived in Metropolis. He had no
close friends, so he had had no close calls from distraught teenagers
saying that their father was in the hospital. Or their friend. No phone
calls that he felt the need to attend to. 

 But that had all changed once he had met Clark Kent. That had all been
before that beautiful boy had walked into Lex's life, full of caring and
compassion. Full of trust that Lex did not completely deserve. Always
wanting to believe the best in people. So... 

 Innocent. Naive. Yet to be corrupted by this cruel world. 

 And immediately, Lex had wanted to trust the raven-haired youth. From the
time when he had been brought back to life by the boy that had since saved
so many others. Because there was something about that smile that he gave
so freely. Something that was impossible not to like, even for someone as
cold as Lex Luthor. 

 And so, every time Clark called about someone's hospital visit, Lex came
running, ready to give any help that he could. Lex was always there, to
offer the best doctors and the best medical treatment available. And all
of this just so he could see Clark's beautiful smile once again. 

 It would have made his father sick. Luthors were not supposed to have
weaknesses. It was one of the many mantras that had been beaten into Lex's
head all of his life. Luthors did not have weaknesses. And yet, here his
was, with a big weakness. A big, Clark-shaped weakness. And so, every time
Clark called, Lex was there. 

 And every time, it forced him to remember. 

 Remember countless visits to the hospital when he was nine, after the
meteor shower had claimed his hair. Remember what seemed like hundreds of
faceless specialists, poking and probing him, putting him through dozens
of tests and whirring machines, trying to find a way to restore his fiery
red hair. It forced him to remember the disgusted look his father had
given him after that, once he had realized that his son was a freak. 

 Lex had to remember when Julian had been rushed to the hospital, the day
of his baptism. When the doctors had tried in vain to resuscitate the lost
infant. The doctors trying to bring back the brother that Lex had never
gotten to know, or love. And again, Lionel's disgusted expression as he
realized that he had lost his second chance. That he was stuck with his
freak of a son. 

 It made Lex remember being at the hospital with his ailing mother. Having
to watch her, so pale. So completely helpless, as her body seemingly
worked to spite her. Aching with a need to ease some of his mother's pain,
while she continually pleaded with him to be strong. And then, watching
her life slip away right before his eyes, hearing her breathing slow as
the fatal illness finally took her. Seeing his last chance at being loved
slip away, as he looked on powerlessly. 

 And, remembering the dozen times he had been admitted to the hospital
after that, when he had made one of his stupid, reckless choices. After a
bar fight or a drug overdose. Lex had seen the inside of a hospital room
many times during his period of defiance. When Lex had stopped caring,
because he no longer had anyone or anything to care for. 

 And looming there with the memories was again his father looking
disgusted with him. Disgusted at what he had become. Disgusted that this
was his son. 

 Maybe that was why Lex hated hospitals. Maybe it had nothing to do with
all the losses that he had suffered in them. Maybe it was just that it
reminded him of how much his father despised him. Not that Lionel didn't
already remind him enough. 

 And Lex thought that when he had moved to Smallville, things would be
different. He thought that he had seen his last hospital room. Lex agreed
with his father for once. He agreed that since this was a small town, he
would have less of a chance to make his usual reckless choices that ended
up landing him in the hospital. But that didn't mean that he had agreed to
come, even if the town had grown on him. He thought that he had seen his
last hospital. 

 How horribly wrong he was. 

 But this time, surprisingly, his visit to the hospital had absolutely
nothing to do with Clark. In fact, Clark knew nothing about this visit.
Just another secret that Lex was keeping from his best friend. Because Lex
had made the mistake of thinking that Clark was his only weakness. And
that had been a fatal flaw. 

 Just when Lex thought he had gotten over her leaving. Just when Lex
thought that she could no longer hurt him, that he had stopped caring,
Pamela walked back into his life, asking only for forgiveness. Because she
cared for him, and she could not die knowing that he hated her. 

 Pamela could not stand to die knowing that Lex had trusted his father's
lies. Lex had been vulnerable after losing both his mother and Pamela, and
Lionel had taken advantage of his weakness. Used it against him. 

 Because that was what Luthors did. 

 It made Lex sick. It made him sick to know that his father could still go
on about family loyalty. That Lex was actually part of such a family. That
he had been gullible enough to believe all the lies he had been fed. 

 No wonder Lionel was disgusted with him. No wonder he was ashamed to have
Lex as a son. Empires could have no weaknesses, Lionel always said. For if
they had weaknesses, enemy troops could use them to bring the empire down.
And Lex was weak. Like his father said, he was ruled by his emotions. 

 But who could blame Lex for being weak? Everyone he had ever loved had
been lost. And Pamela was going to be next. Lex was like a virus; an
unspeakable cancer that killed anything that got too close. Being friends
with Lex Luthor was dangerous. Everything around him withered and died. 

 Going to the hospital again was like sticking swords through Lex's soul.
Like pouring salt on an open wound. It was an emotional hell each and
every time. 

 But, of course, no one knew that, for Lex kept it hidden behind his
perfectly crafted Luthor mask. He let no one see his emotions. Emotions
were weaknesses. He hid his pain from everyone because he refused to be
weak. Why? 

 Because that was what Luthors did. 

 God, Lex hated hospitals.   
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