by Meret

Title: Kryptobiology
Author: Meret
Rating: NC-17
Category: Clex, Humor
Disclaimer: These characters are owned by The WB, Millar & Gough Ink, and DC Comics. No profit or infringement is intended. Summary: A new facet of alien puberty. Authors Notes: Many thanks to Rivka T for her helpful beta. Website: Email:
Feedback is loved and cherished!

Kryptobiology by Meret


"Mmmuumm . . . "


Clark jerked upright in his bed, looking around for what had woken him. Had he been floating again?


Who was that? Turning his head back and forth, he scanned the room, but even using his x-ray vision revealed nothing. "Who said that?" he said, becoming increasingly creeped out.

"I did."

He saw movement under his sheets and whipped the covers off.

"Let me out of here. We need to talk."

No. It couldn't be. Hastily he pulled down his pajama bottoms. He watched aghast as his cock sprang up, the head bent toward him as if it was looking at him

"I want Lex." The foreskin moved, a weird sock puppet mouth. "Not Laaanaaa. I. Want. Lex." It punctuated the last three words by tapping Clark each time on the abdomen for emphasis.

For the first time in his life, without a meteor rock in sight, Clark Kent passed out cold.

By third period Clark had convinced himself it had all been a nightmare. He opened his locker and changed books, grabbing his notebook for calculus. A horrible, bizarre, rank, terrifying, he-was-never-eating-peanut-butter-and-potato-chip-sandwiches-before-bed-again nightmare.

"Clark --"

Startled, he spun around, causing the door to slam loudly against the metal lockers.

Lana's eyes widened in surprise. "Are you all right? You seemed kind of out of it in history."

"Uh, yeah." He tried to smile in reassurance. "I just didn't sleep well last night. Bad dreams."

"Oh." She bent her head toward him in concern, raising her voice a bit to be heard over the din of students as they changed classes. "I know what those are like. I wonder sometimes if my nightmares about my parent`s deaths are what really happened, or just what I imagine happened. And now of course, I keep seeing Whitney getting killed in my dreams. Have you ever had a dream, and you wake up in the dream, but you're really still asleep? Ever since Nell left me, I keep dreaming that I wake up and everyone is gone. I'm the only person on earth."

"Will you shut up? Me, me, me. Would you like some cheese with that whine?"

Lana's mouth dropped open in shock.

No, no, no! This *can't* be happening, he thought. Clark grabbed his jacket out of the locker, desperately holding it and his books against himself, trying to muffle any more sounds from his crotch.

"Wh, what did you say?" she asked hesitantly, a nervous smile flickering across her face. "It's so noisy out here. I don't think I quite heard you."

Think, Clark. Come up with something brilliant, he told himself, racking his mind for an explanation, any explanation. "Huh?"

"You . . . I thought you said something."

"No. It must have been somebody else." He put on his best `Fingerprints in the hood of your crashed car, Lex? What fingerprints?' expression.

"Oh." She glanced around, and back at him uneasily. "Well, I guess I better get to --"

"Hey, guys," Chloe interrupted. "Clark, we better get a move on, or we're going to be late for math."

"Chloe! Hi, Chloe!" Lana grasped Chloe's arm like it was the last pink sweater on earth. "Class. Yeah, I need to get to class. AP English. Bye."

Clark watched as she practically fled. Shit.

"What was that all about?"

He shrugged miserably, his cheeks red. He put his books back, and shut the door, preparing to make some excuse to leave school. There was no way he was showing his face in public until he got this thing under control. Not that his face was the problem. "Chloe, I'm not feeling --"

"I like you, Chloe."

Clark gasped, and jerked his jeans up by the belt loops.

"If I was into girlmmmf--"

Giving up all pretense of saving any dignity, he ran down the hall, barely preventing himself from going into super speed in his effort to get away.

He had always thought `dying of embarrassment' was just an expression to describe what someone felt like in that situation. He hadn't realized until today it was the sincere prayer of the unlucky victim.

Clark fell back against the couch with a groan. What the hell was he going to do, he thought, staring up at the rafters above his loft. He'd never be able to masturbate again, that much was certain. He didn't even want to imagine the sounds it would make while he was touching himself.

There was no way he was telling his parents about this new . . . development. Practicing his heat vision in front of his father had been bad enough. They'd probably want to have a talk with it about inappropriate comments and the golden rule. He groaned again, blushing at the thought.

His penis started wriggling around like a hyperactive seedling searching for sunlight, and he swatted it without thinking, wincing at the resulting pain. This was ridiculous! He unzipped his jeans. "What the hell are you doing!"

His cock rose from the flap in his shorts like a snake from a basket. "I don't want to be shut in there anymore. You know I wasn't born all covered up. I was born free." It began to sing, waving and swaying like a slow motion Shakira. "Born free, as free as the wind blows. As free as the grass grows. Born free to follow my heart!"

"You better just shut up, or they`re going to cut you off and stick you in a jar." Clark watched horrified, as his foreskin blew a raspberry. Was this what nausea felt like?

"With what? Invulnerable, remember?"

"Why did you say that stuff to Lana and Chloe? It's not true." He waited impatiently for a reply. "What? Now you stop talking?" A small cloud of dust flew up as he smacked the couch in irritation. "Will you quit staring at me?" Clark said in disgust.

"Lets go see Lex. I`d much rather stare at him."

Clark rolled his eyes. "Why," he cleared his throat, "why are so hung up on Lex, anyway? "

"Something about that bald head. It`s so sexy." His cock leaned back on his thigh, as if contemplating the image.

He sputtered incoherently for a full minute before finally spitting out, "I am not gay!"

"You may not be, but I sure am." His penis shook and bobbed.

"Are you laughing at me?" Great, his dick was insane. He had a crazy cock.

"Oh, yeah!"

"I'm not gay." He didn't think of Lex that way. Did he?

"Right. You couldn't get it up with Jesse because you were what? Too tired?"

"Besides, even if I was," Clark said, pointedly ignoring that last statement, "Lex isn't so it wouldn't do any good anyway." So there, he thought.

"No, he's bisexual."

"No, he's not. How would you know anyway?"

"Bidar." It snickered at it's own joke.

"Clark? Are you up there?"

He heard his mother in the yard. "You say anything in front of Mom, and I swear you'll be wearing a condom for life." Maybe that would get it to be quiet.. He could use a rubber band to secure it.

"Ewwww! That's disgusting. She's our mother! What are you, some kind of pervert?"

"Me?! You're calling ME a pervert? You're a talking dick!!"Duct tape. Definitely duct tape to secure it.

"Actually, I prefer Richard."


"Please don't say anything. Please," the words rushed out of his mouth as he begged. "I'll buy you porn, and a blow-up doll, and, and I'll learn how to suck you myself . . ."

"Take me to see Lex."

"So you can come on to him? How is that an improvement?" His voice squeaked in fear.

"Chloe just phoned. Are you okay?" His mother was in the barn now, and approaching the stairs.

"Take me to see Lex, and I'll never talk again."

He heard her footstep on the bottom tread. "Fine," he whispered, frantically doing up his fly. He grabbed the quilt from the back of the couch, and jammed it down on his lap, just in case.

His mother entered the loft, her mouth puckered with worry. "Sweetie? Are you okay? Why didn't you answer me?"

"Sorry, Mom. I must have been asleep," he said, wiggling his foot. He really hated lying to his parents.

She leaned over and pressed the back of her hand to his face. I'm okay, Mom, he thought. Now go away before it says something that causes us both to need years of therapy.

"Are you feeling okay? You look a little flushed. Chloe said you ran out school like your pants were on fire."

Not unless that old saying about lying is really true, which in Smallville was not an impossibility, thought Clark. But it did give him an obvious excuse. "My heat vision started acting up again. I had to leave right away."

She stood up straight and looked at him, puzzled. "But I thought you and Chloe weren't . . . "

Clark squirmed uncomfortably, staring at the pattern on the quilt.

After a few centuries passed, she finally spoke. "With your attendance record, I guess it won't hurt you to miss a half-day."

"Thanks, Mom." You're the best mother in the whole world. Now leave, he wished urgently.

"You're father and I are going over to Grandville for an Organic Farmers meeting. We were planning on eating dinner there too, but maybe I should stay home if you're having problems."

"No!" he yelped.

Her eyebrows rose in surprise.

Backpedaling, he said, "I mean, I don't want you and Dad to have to do that. I'm sure it was just a temporary flare up. You go have a good time."

Frowning, she said, "Are you sure? I can stay here."

"I'll be fine, Mom." Just as soon as you leave, he told himself. He'd superglue his foreskin shut, and learn how to pee out of his ears. He already set things on fire with his eyes. How hard could it be?

"Okay, we should be back by before dark." She kissed his forehead, and walked down the stairs.

"'Kay. Have fun." He dropped his head back on the couch and covered his face with his hands, listening to his parents leave. He'd super speeded to see the Atlantic and the Pacific one Saturday, and hadn't felt this wrung out.

"Hey, Clark."

"What?" he barked, jerking the quilt off angrily.

"Could you really learn how to suck me yourself?"

Clark ran to Lex's house at normal speed for once. He wanted the time to think. He should have expected this was how it would end up. Richard , he thought snottily, had made his, *it's* damn it, feelings pretty clear the first time it had talked to him. He'd just been fooling himself hoping that it meant something else.

He would never have admitted it to anyone, hadn't really even admitted it to himself, but he had noticed how good looking Lex was, and he had wondered . . but that was normal right? It didn't make him gay. It certainly didn't make Lex gay. Just because he spent more time looking at Clark than the balls when they played pool, and spent an entire day bent over behind him showing him how to hold the pool cue. Clark remembered the warm weight of Lex pressed against his back and ass. How smooth his hands were as they showed him how to handle the stick. He'd never known pool was such a fun game.

And rich people probably all swam nude, even when they had a friend over to go swimming.

The musky crumpled tissues he'd found in the waste basket beside his bed when Lex spent the night in his room after Lex's father threw him out . . . that didn't mean anything. It didn't mean anything that the smell of those tissues had made Clark hard either. Of course not.

Did it?

"So what are you going to say?"

"Shut up," Clark said automatically without breaking stride.

"You don't want me to talk. That means you have to say something."

"And tell him what? My dick wants to speak to him?"

"That's not number one on my list of things to do to him, but it's start."

"You said you weren't going to say anything!"

"I won't, as long as you do. Ask him if he bi. If he says no, I won`t ever bring it up again."

Was that a threat or a promise, Clark wondered. And what was he going to say to Lex?

"Hey, Lex. Are you busy?" he said, running the words together. "You look busy. I'll come back later." He turned to walk out of Lex's office.

"Clark, wait! Come back." Lex stood up from behind his desk. "Have a seat. I was just checking my email. Nothing that can't wait. Would you like something to drink?"

Nodding glumly, Clark slumped down onto the couch and stared at his feet.

Lex fixed Clark a soda at the bar, and got himself a Tynant. Handing Clark his drink, he sat down on the other end of the leather sofa, saying, "Are you okay? You seem a little nervous."

"Um, yeah. I guess I am. I think I need to talk to you about something." Clark watched Lex's throat as he swallowed a drink of water, and blushed, realizing what he was doing.

"You know I'm always willing to listen to you. What's the problem?"

"Did you ever . . . you probably knew a lot of gay people in Metropolis, right? "

Lex raised an eyebrow at him. "It's not Gotham, but yes, Metropolis does have an established gay community. Why?"

"I, um." Clark took a large swallow of his drink, wishing for once that Lex had given him something stronger "I have a friend who thinks he might possibly be gay. Maybe. He's probably not, but he's not sure. I guess I wondered if you knew anyone who was gay. If you might have some advice for him on how to know for sure."

"The first sign would be an attraction to men and not to women," Lex said, smirking slightly. "Especially as he got older. In our society we're constantly surrounded by images of --"

"Let's fuck."

The blue bottle crashed to the floor, sending water spurting across the hardwood tiles.

Clark jumped up, choking out a desperate, "Bathroom," as he ran from the room.

Stupid! Stupid! he thought miserably, as he locked the door of the first floor bathroom. He should have just kept running, and not stopped till he reached the North Pole. Sparks flew from the metal as he furiously unzipped his jeans. "You said you wouldn't say anything again if I went to see Lex!"

"And you believed me? It's a good thing you're not a girl. I can see the baby shower now. `But he said he'd pull out!'"

Clark gritted his teeth in an effort to keep his voice down. "I would love to be a girl right now. I wouldn't have to deal with you."

"Yeah, but then you'd have talking breasts, and all they want to do is kiss each other all the time."

"Wha, wha . . ." Clark gaped, too shocked to complete a sentence.

His foreskin winked at him and then formed a smile.

"That is it. We are leaving."

"When's the last time you pissed your pants, Clark? Do you even remember back that far? Want to find out what it feels like? Every time you`re in public?"

"You fucking --"

"Not yet. But soon hopefully."

"Why are you doing this to me!" Clark wailed. He bit his lip realizing how loud that had been, and looked anxiously at the door. After waiting a minute, Lex still hadn`t tried to burst in to see what was wrong, so he figured he was safe. "Do I not jerk off enough for you or something?"

It patted his belly gently. "Trust me. I'm doing this for both of us."

"Right. You've been embarrassing the hell out of me for my sake."

It sighed. "Pay attention, Clark. Lana needed to cash her reality check, and you needed a wake-up call. Chloe needed to stop feeling like she wasn't good enough, and move on. You'd still be sneaking looks at Lex a year from now if I left it up to you. Besides, I`m only saying what you really feel."

"That doesn't excuse --"

"Arrgh!" It started banging it's head on the countertop. "Big heads make everything so fucking complicated!"

"Stop that." Clark stepped back quickly, hoping it hadn't cracked the marble. "Fine! I admit it. I'm gay. At least where Lex is concerned. Are you happy?!"

"Delirious," it said dryly.

"That still doesn't prove Lex is interested in guys. He didn't exactly jump all over me when you said that to him."

"You didn't give him a chance!"

"And how the hell am I supposed to explain to him about a voice coming from my fly?"

"I waited till he glanced away. Listen, I'm your best friend."

Clark narrowed his eyes at that statement, but it continued.

"Tell Lex you're gay and see what he does. That's all I'm asking."

He snorted. "If you say one more word to Lex then this whole thing is over."


He stared at his penis suspiciously. It was giving in too easily. "I mean it!"

"I won't say anything! Jeez. Can we hurry up, now?"

Clark jumped at the knock on the door.

"Clark? Are you all right in there?" Lex said, sounding concerned.

He winced. "Um, yeah. Sorry. I'll be out in a minute."

"I'll be waiting in my office. A minute, Clark," the warning in Lex's voice clear.

Lex was standing facing the window when he walked in. Someone had cleaned up the bottle and the spilled water.

"Clark, I need you to explain to me what happened in here."

"I will. I promise. But I need to ask you something first."

He waited till Lex turned around to face him. He had another drink in hand, something alcoholic this time.

"Are you bisexual?"

Lex took a large breath and let it out slowly. "Why?"

Here goes the rest of my life, Clark thought. One way or the other. "Because I'm gay."

Refilling his drink, Lex quickly downed half the glass before putting it down and facing Clark again. "Congratulations. I'm still not sure what that has to do with your question."

"Lex!" Clark started blushing again. Was he really going to make him say it?

He stared at him. "I won't be an experiment, Clark. Or your fuck buddy."

He looks mad, Clark thought anxiously. And what the hell was a `fuck buddy?' "It's not an experiment, or, or anything like that."

"You just woke up today and decided you were gay?"

No, he thought. That was what his cock had done. Clark swallowed an hysterical laugh, and approached Lex slowly. "No. Um, someone close to me made me realize I'd been fooling myself for awhile now." Tentatively, he raised his hand to Lex's face.

Lex grabbed his hand and pulled it down, searching his features intently. Finally, he jerked Clark forward and kissed him.

It was so sudden, Clark felt almost as if he was being attacked at first. Instinctively, he braced his hands against Lex's chest, but didn`t push him away. Lex invaded his mouth, his tongue seemingly determined to conquer Clark from the inside out, and he scrambled to catch up. Clark really hoped it only felt like his lips were suddenly twice their normal size. His hands curled, the nails running across the fabric of Lex's silky shirt. He leaned into Lex, rubbing against him.

He was sure he had done something wrong when Lex pulled away, but apparently whatever Lex found looking into his eyes, it was okay. Lex kissed him gently this time, licking softly at the place he'd bitten a few seconds before. His skin tingled, little pulses of electricity shooting down his body. He kissed down Clark's jaw, and Clark learned there was a direct line of current from his earlobe to his cock when Lex began sucking it.

Lex smoothed his hands down Clark's back, cupping his ass, and pressing against him more firmly. Lex's erection pressed against his own. He couldn't believe this was really happening. He was light headed, and was grateful that they'd somehow migrated to the chaise. Lifting cars - no problem. Standing upright on his own when Lex was thumbing his nipples - not a chance.

Lex settled between his hips, and Clark groaned at the increased contact right where he craved it. His hips jerked up instinctively. Having Lex pressed against him was almost as comforting as it was arousing. He suddenly remembered the blue blankie he'd carried around everywhere as a child, and wondered if Lex would be willing to be the new and improved version.

He wanted to touch Lex, to make him feel as good as Lex was making him feel. He pushed up against Lex's chest slightly, absorbed in trying to unbutton Lex's shirt with trembling fingers. Lex pulled back, tensing a little, then smiled once he saw what Clark was trying to do, and sat up. He shuddered as Lex ground their hips together. Clark believed he probably deserved some sort of award for not ripping off any of the buttons, or the entire shirt for that matter, as he smoothed it open, gliding his hands around Lex's back as he pulled the fabric put from the pants. He was fascinated with the feel of Lex's skin. Lex groaned as Clark pulled on his nipple, and he did it to the other one to see if Lex would make the same sound again. Yep. He grinned in delight.

Apparently, that was the secret `ravish Clark' switch on Lex's body, because Lex didn't waste time taking Clark's t-shirt off, but instead suddenly grabbed handfuls of Clark's t-shirt and shoved it up, moving achingly against him. "I need to write the manufacturer," he mumbled.


"My shirt doesn't deserve to be called silk."

He arched against Lex in surprise, as Lex slid down his body to latch onto his nipple like a hungry Jersey calf. He'd never realized his nipples were that sensitive. Clark had thought he was hard before, but that was nothing compared to the crowbar in his pants now. He would not come in his jeans, he repeated to himself anxiously, though he didn`t think this was what Norman Vincent Peale had in mind. His cock began moving insistently, and he quickly reached between them and unzipped before it demanded to be let out. It popped out through the seam in his boxers, immediately seeking Lex.

Shifting them onto their sides, Lex caressed Clark's penis, running the flat of his palm from the base to the tip, circling the head, and playing gently with the foreskin.

Someone else's hand was on his cock. A hand that wasn't his. Giggling right now would probably be a bad thing, he thought. As would saying `cool' in a really high pitched half-stunned voice. So it was lucky he was no longer capable of forming words. He watched Lex pause to slowly lick his palm, keeping eye contact with Clark the whole time, and was surprised he was even still capable of thought.

Lex kissed him again, his tongue sliding in Clark's mouth suggestively in rhythm with his hand on Clark`s cock, and Clark wondered how he was going to ever last through more than 20 seconds of this. Wasn't he supposed to think about baseball? Yeah, a nice round ball in the palm of his hand, sliding his fingers up and down a long, hard bat . . . Not working!

He felt Lex freeze as they both heard a breathy, "Fuck, yeah," come from below his waist. He hurriedly undid Lex's pants, and began touching him, hoping it would distract him. Maybe Lex would think he was hearing things. He'd been hit on the head often enough since coming to Smallville. Lex moaned, and Clark looked down, gasping at the sight of them stroking each other.

Lex smiled at him, and linked their fingers, moving them up and down both their erections together. It was the sexiest thing Clark had ever seen. Cream and tan and plum and rose blending into this amazing, perfect fit. Lex played with his balls through his jeans. There was something dirty about the fact they were doing this with their clothes still on. He liked it. Pre-come slicked their erections as they moved faster and faster. Clark held his breath, twisting his head against the leather as the sensation inside him climbed.

"Look at me, Clark. I want to see you come."

Clark tried to keep his eyes open, but it was impossible as Lex's 900 number voice sent him over the edge. A surge of pleasure shot through him that made the high voltage line at the dam seem like static electricity in comparison. "Loro mol ahh," he yelled in ecstasy as he came.

Lex chuckled. "Sex speak - the universal language of excited gibberish." He released Clark's cock, and gently ran his hand down Clark's belly, adding Clark's come to his own cock as he continued to stroke himself.

Very universal, Clark thought, dazed. Luckily, Dr. Walden hadn't been able to figure out how Kryptonian was pronounced. He didn't think Lex was ready to hear the three little words, no matter what the language. Tornadoes had nothing on Lex, he thought distantly, finally sitting up on one elbow after the room stopped spinning. "Can I . . . ?" he looked at Lex's cock.

"Be my guest." Lex smiled a fish hook grin, and lay back.

That was something Clark had always admired about Lex - his manners. He particularly admired the manner in which Lex was moving his hips as Clark jacked him off, circling the head of Lex's cock with his fingers while he used the other hand to pump him. The lack of foreskin probably should have felt strange under his hands, but the bare head of the cock was so . . . perfectly Lex, that he couldn`t imagine it any other way. He probably shouldn`t ever tell Lex that his heads resembled each other. Based on comments Lex had made about his appearance in the past, he didn`t think Lex would understand how incredibly sexy Clark thought his lack of hair made him. Clark watched Lex as he shuddered, the light from the stained glass slanting a red glow right over his heart. He couldn't decide which was more fascinating to look at - Lex's face or his cock as he came, pulsing out over Clark's hand. Lex was quiet when he climaxed, just a dignified grunt. Clark instantly decided to dedicate himself to making Lex come as loudly as he did at some point. He was willing to devote as much time as necessary to achieve that goal.

He lay down beside Lex, not quite sure about what happened next. They'd just had sex. Clark wasn't a virgin anymore. Was he? He wasn't sure what counted as loss of virginity between two guys.

Lex pulled a handkerchief from somewhere and cleaned them both, but stretched out against Clark without zipping either of them up. He nuzzled Clark's neck, pressing a lazy kiss to his jaw. Clark settled his arms around Lex, searching under his shirt to rest his hand against Lex's naked back. He could do this. This was nice, he thought brushing his cheek against Lex`s scalp. He wondered if Lex had ever tested his skin for addictive properties. Or maybe the Kryptonite had magnetized him, and Clark was the attracting pole, he thought, remembering his science class.

"Clark . . ."

"Yeah?" Maybe Lex was going to tell him how he felt about him. Telling him it was the best sex Lex had ever had, would be good too.

"Did your dick just blow me a kiss?!!" Lex looked at him in shock, struggling to keep his voice under control. "Clark . . . do you have an explanation for this?"

He winced, and peeked at Lex from under his bangs. "It prefers Richard?"

The End

This takes place in 2005.
I totally made up the Kryptonian "I love you"

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