The Incredibly Secret Diaries of Smallville. Sequel to The Very Secret Diaries of Smallville. Both inspired by Cassandra Claire's Very Secret Diaries of The Lord of the Rings.

Lex Luthor's diary:

Monday: Sent for a specialist from Metropolis. Now what do I do with her?

Wednesday: Sent the specialist back.

Thursday: Sent for another specialist from Metropolis. Saw a cow that reminded me of my mother.

Friday: Need hearing checked, thought the second specialist muttered something about "Get over it, Oedipus" on his way back.

Saturday: Went to a hearing specialist.

Sunday: The cow that reminded me of my mother is under my protection.

Monday: So is its calf. I'd try bringing them to the mansion but Jonathan Kent would kill me.

Lana Lang's diary:

Monday: Wonder why water was turning hot and cold all during shower.

Tuesday: Chloe gave back eye makeup from that store I found, 24/7 for Bad Girl Whims.

Wednesday: I knew I'd forgotten something, what with the Talon and everything! School.

Thursday: Went to school. Turns out that Chloe put up a pink cardboard Lana and took it to all my classes, so nobody noticed.

Friday: Chloe is my best friend. I wonder if I should go out with Clark. If Chloe didn't mean that I should feel free to go ahead, she wouldn't say it, right?

Saturday: Right?

Sunday: This is awkward. Clark and Chloe and I are all acting very weird around one another. I'd suggest a menage a trois but Jonathan Kent would kill me.

Chloe Sullivan

Monday: Accidentally kind of ended up in the Department of Defense data network and looked around before realizing it.

Tuesday: Would you believe it? Accidentally kind of ended up downloading FBI files.

Wednesday: I really need to learn to type better. Accidentally kind of ended up reading the county government files.

Thursday: Wonder why people from the DOD, FBI, and Lowell County are so mad at me. I was just looking around.

Friday: Ooops. Accidentally kind of ended up in Smallville Hospital's records. Looked for Clark but didn't find anything.

Monday: Well, since I had all that information, it seemed wrong to let it go to waste and not publish it! Why is everybody mad at me? I thought Jonathan Kent was going to kill me!

Lionel Luthor

Monday: Lex is being so petty about that whole blindness thing. Told him it was also an exercise in increasing my sensitivity for the disabled. Probably shouldn't have chuckled.

Tuesday: Lex is really quite annoying with his lectures.

Wednesday: Decided I've had enough lectures and reproachful looks. Am now feigning deafness. Lex threw quite a hissy fit. Go me!

Thursday: Another day of feigning deafness. Lex now has a twitch in his right eye. I told him Luthors don't twitch. Go me!

Friday: Hmm. Lex is now playing "Three blind mice" incessantly. This could become annoying.

Saturday: Definitely annoying. Now that he's singing, with particular emphasis, "They all ran after the farmer's wife." I thought, though, it was their tails that she cut off.

Sunday: Stopped feigning deafness. Sometime next week, I'll think of something else. I could try to aggravate him so much he'd move in with the Kents but Jonathan Kent would kill me.

Martha Kent

Monday: An all-American evening with the family, except for using Clark's heat vision instead of a fireplace to toast marshmallows.

Tuesday: Clark was pretty oblivious to Jonathan's and my hints this evening. What else is new? Knowing that your teenage son might oops us right through the walls spoils the mood.

Wednesday: Clark still oblivious. Jonathan asked him to shovel out the barn. We'd just gotten to some interesting parts when he came right back. Unless Jonathan has super-speed like Clark's, we're going to be one frustrated couple. Either that or we get nocturnal cows. I wonder if there are any?

Thursday: Jonathan doesn't and there aren't.

Saturday: Am I a genius or what? I slipped some extra ingredients in the cow feed. Let's see Clark shovel that! If Jonathan finds out, though, he'd kill me.

Sunday: It'd be worth it. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

Pete Ross

Monday: Just my luck. Clark says that I actually was doing and saying things yesterday but now I can't remember. The one no-sidekicking time in my life so far and I don't even get to relive it! I hope I had fun.

Tuesday: There's a handprint in my car, right on the hood. I really hope I had fun.

Thursday: We had to watch another video in biology. This time it was insects doing the nasty.

Friday: Doesn't take Dr. Freud to guess why I had gross-out dreams about Clark's alien mating habits. Couldn't the video have been anything other than praying mantises? Hope it's not a Smallville Special, a prophetic dream, cause Lana probably needs her head and those Clark-eggs all over the loft were creepy. Eggs shouldn't levitate.

Saturday: OTOH, what if Chloe knew that Clark probably had weird mating habits? Naaah. She'd probably just think that I meant Lana and paprika instead of chocolate sauce or powdered sugar, just a little sprinkling or maybe in a hot tub full of whipped cream, or there's always. Uh-oh! More later!

Sunday: Oh, yeah. Aside from all the other reasons not to tell Chloe, Jonathan Kent would kill me.

Jonathan Kent

Monday: Fooey. Set Lex Luthor up for the "tell him to milk the cows then see what he does when he comes to the bull" trick. He didn't fall for it. Just said that he suspected the bull would either not appreciate it or appreciate it too much. I had a camera ready and everything. He'd have wanted to kill me!

Tuesday: Lex is out of the house. Left a pair of underpants. Am now contemplating sending them back "from Bill the Bull. Thanks for the memories." Maybe not. Bill might kill me.

Wednesday: Took a while to explain to Martha when she saw me looking at underpants and grinning. She finally said she believed me. Didn't quite catch the last part about that being easier to believe than that her radar was so faulty. Scared she was going to kill me for a bit.

Friday: That spaceship is being pretty uppity for something that Clark was in for a couple of weeks without diapers or trips outside, if you get my drift. Will remind him that I have pictures of him in Muppet pajamas if he gets ideas. Rule that, son! But if he looks like he might kill me, will reconsider.