Title: Mission Waterworks.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything that has to do with Smallville; it's characters, DC comics, or the WB. I'm just using their stuff for a little bit of non-profitable fun.
Authors Notes: I blame this on paperbkryter. Thanks to Adri, Gemma, and Rachael for the help, quick beta, and the ok to post. This is a prime example as to why I don't write humor fics, but the temptation was just too great to pass up. Holy Cripes! I wrote a fic that's fewer than 10 pages long! That's a new record!
Summary: If you put a person's hand in a bowl of warm water while they're sleeping, they'll pee the bed no matter how old they are. Cackle.
Clark couldn't believe what he was hearing. He and Pete had been best friends since grade school, and over the past eight years he'd heard his friend tell some whoppers. But this was just ridiculous. "There's no way that's true." He stated; certain Pete was pulling his chain.
"I'm telling you, Man, it's a proven fact." Pete replied, as he drew a card from the pile between them. "If you put a person's hand in a bowl of warm water, while they're sleeping, they'll pee the bed."
Clark looked at his friend, his expression clearly stating how ridiculous he found Pete's proclamation. "Even if that's true, which I'm sure it's not, it has to only work for kids." He said as he picked up a few cards from the bone pile before laying down three fives then discarding the two of spades.
Pete drew a card from the pile and frowned at his hand for a second. He then discarded the Jack of diamonds before continuing the conversation. "I'm telling you, it doesn't matter how old you are."
Clark looked at Pete critically then shook his head. "I don't believe it."
"What if I can prove it?" Pete asked.
Clark snorted. "Yeah, right."
"Seriously." Pete replied. "Let's make a bet."
"A bet?" Clark asked, suddenly not liking the direction the conversation was heading.
"Yeah, if I get someone in this house to wet the bed, you have to do my homework for a week."
Clark looked around the large guest bedroom they were sitting in disbelief. "In this house?" He asked as if he hadn't heard correctly.
"Well, I don't know if this place really classifies as a house." Pete replied.
"Pete, I don't think Lex would appreciate it if we ruined the sheets in one of his guest bedrooms."
Pete rolled his eyes. "Clark, man, the dude is a billionaire. I'm sure he can afford to by another set of sheets."
Clark hesitated a moment then asked, "And if you're wrong? What do I get?"
Pete grinned as he reached across the bed and manfully slapped Clark's shoulder. "That's my boy." He rubbed his hands together in excited anticipation. "Alright, now who to make our victim?"
"Well, we don't have a lot of choices." Clark replied. "I mean besides you and me Chloe and Lana are the only two people in the mansion."
Pete's eyes twinkled with interest. "Not the only two people." He said mischievously.
Clark furrowed his brow in confusion as he struggled to think of whom Pete was talking about before realization sunk in. "No. Way."
"Come, Man." Pete all but whined as he bounced on the bed. "Who is the one person you would never expect something like this to work on?"
"Pete, there is no way I'm going to do that to him." Clark firmly replied.
"Dude, do you really want to risk pissing off Lana or Chloe? Besides, you're the one who's always saying how cool Lex is."
"Yeah, but that doesn't mean I'm going to try to get him to wet his bed!" Clark exclaimed.
"I thought you didn't think it would work?" Pete challenged.
"Then what's there to worry about?"
"It's just. What if?" Clark sighed. "This is such a bad idea."
"That's my boy!" Pete said through his grin as he jumped off the bed. "Alright, where did we put that bowl that the potato chips were in?"
Clark hesitated for a second before handing his best friend the empty bowl, all the while praying that Lex would forgive him if Pete were right about this.
Pete snatched up the bowl then disappeared into the bathroom. He returned a few minutes later, the bowl half full of what Clark assumed was warm water. "Be prepared to do homework, Kent." He said as he gestured for Clark to open the door.
Clark climbed off the bed, his hand hesitating on the doorknob. "Wait, we didn't say what I'd get if you were wrong."
Pete shrugged his shoulders, causing the water in the bowl to slosh around a little. "It doesn't matter, man, because I know I'm right."
"Still, I'm not going through with this until we're clear on what I'm getting out of it."
Pete rolled his eyes. "Fine, if I'm wrong and Luthor doesn't wet himself then I'll do your chores for a week. How's that?"
Clark considered it for a minute. Sure it didn't take him long to do his chores, but it would take Pete all day. So he figured that would be fair enough punishment. "Done." Clark replied before opening the door to the guest room and allowing Pete to step into the hallway.
The two tiptoed down the hall to the Lex's room. When they reached the door, Pete nudged Clark with his elbow. "Check and make sure he's asleep." He whispered.
Clark nodded before switching on his x-ray vision. He could see Lex lying in the middle of a large bed. His breathing was slow and regular, indicating that he was indeed sound asleep. "He's asleep." Clark whispered before slowly turning the doorknob and easing the door open. He stuck his head in the doorway, making sure he hadn't awakened his friend when he'd opened the door. Once he was sure Lex was still asleep he snuck into the room with Pete trailing right behind him.
Clark tiptoed over to the foot of the bed and looked down at his resting friend. Lex was stretched out on his back, a well-worn Warrior Angel t-shirt covering his chest, and his silk sheets loosely draped over his lower half. He heard a faint snort, and turned to see Pete looking at Lex's choice of attire. "Sshh." Clark hissed before turning back to sleeping friend. He couldn't help but feel guilty about what they were about to do. It was wrong, but he to admit that it would be funny if Pete was right.
He watched as Pete carefully set the bowl of warm water on Lex's bed, close to his outstretched left hand. Pete slowly reached out and gently grasped Lex's wrist, all the while watching to make sure the sleeping man didn't wake up. He then slowly lifted Lex's hand and carefully placed it into the bowl.
The two froze as Lex stirred, shifting slightly and pulling his hand out of the bowl. They waited a beat, making sure he wasn't going to wake before letting out a soft sigh. Clark was starting to get a very bad feeling about this. He turned towards Pete and mouthed, "Let's go."
Pete rolled his eyes before holding up a finger, indicating for Clark to wait a minute. Pete scanned the room real quick before spotting a robe hanging on the back of a door. He motioned his head towards the robe, and whispered, "Get the robe."
Clark furrowed his brow, but complied with his friend's demands. He watched as Pete took the offered robe and folded it into a ball before sticking it underneath Lex's arm, effectively propping it up so his hand hung limply into the bowl of warm water.
Lex didn't seem to mind this slightly more comfortable arrangement, and didn't shift this time, but remained peacefully asleep. Clark glanced over at Pete, who whispered, "And so Mission Waterworks begins."
Clark rolled his eyes at Pete before turning back to Lex. He waited with a sense of both anticipation and dread. It took him a minute to realize that he was starring at Lex's crotch, and he whispered a slight thank you that the room was dark enough for Pete not to see him blush. After a few minutes, Clark turned to his friend and raised an eyebrow at him.
"Just wait." Pete whispered.
Clark sighed, but went back to watching nonetheless. He had no sooner looked back at Lex than he saw it, a small discoloration in the sheets that was spreading. Clark couldn't believe it. Lex Luthor, his suave and sophisticated rich friend, had just wet his bed, probably ruining a set of the world's most expensive sheets.
He looked over at Pete who was visibly shaking with silent laughter. Clark clamped his hand over his mouth, as he too started to laugh. The two of them just stood there, laughing like a bunch of idiots, until Pete snorted. Clark's eyes widened as Lex started to stir and he quickly snatched up Pete and the bowl of water and zipped out of the room and back down the hall.
When the two were safely back in the confines of the guestroom, the door shut firmly behind them, they collapsed onto the floor, laughing so hard they brought tears to their eyes.
"I told you!" Pete exclaimed several minutes later as he wiped away the tears. "Oh, man! I wonder what he's doing now."
"Hang on." Clark replied as he tried in vain to switch on his x-ray vision. By the time he had calmed enough to actually engage his supervision, there was already a skeleton moving down the hall towards their room. "He's coming!" Clark gasped as he reached up and quickly turned off the lights. "Hide!"
Pete jumped up and dove across the bed, sending cards flying everywhere before landing on the floor with soft thump. Clark zipped into the bathroom, dumped the evidence down the sink then leaped into the large bed and pulled the covers up over him. He waited a minute, before cracking open one of his eyes and checking the hallway. He saw Lex's skeleton walk past his room and continue on down the hall. Letting out a sigh of relief, he rolled over and looked down at Pete. "He's gone." He whispered.
Pete couldn't help but laugh. But the situation was just too funny for words. "I can only imagine how Lex was going to explain things to his housekeeper in the morning." He mused. "Oh to be a fly on that wall."
Clark chuckled. "I still can't believe it actually worked." He admitted.
Pete snorted. "I can't believe Lex Luthor wears Warrior Angel pajamas."
Clark rolled his eyes. "It was just a t-shirt." He said. "And don't forget I could just as easily mention that pair of Cookie Monster slippers you have."
"Clark, man, that's just wrong on so many levels." Pete complained.
Clark raised his eyebrows at his friend, even though he probably couldn't see them. "And what we did to Lex was right?" He asked.
"Dude, it was a joke." Pete replied. "If Luthor can't take it then there's something wrong with him."
Clark was about to argue when something occurred to him. "Oh, man! What if seeks revenge?" He asked, starring wide eyed at his friend. "You know that if finds out we were involved in anyway he's going to retaliate."
"Clark! Will you stop worrying? Everything is going to be fine. Trust me." Pete looked at his friend's unconvinced expression and rolled his eyes. "Man, I'm going to bed. I'll see you in the morning." And with that Pete slipped out the door, leaving Clark alone to fret the night away.
Lex was already up and sitting in his office, nursing a cup of coffee, by the time his four houseguests came downstairs. "Good morning, Ladies." He greeted. "Gentlemen."
"Morning, Lex." The girls replied as they plopped down onto one of Lex's expensive couches.
"Hey." Clark mumbled as he sat down beside Chloe and Lana, looking extremely guilty.
"Good morning, Lex." Pete greeted cheerfully. "Sleep well last night?" He asked.
Lex smirked at the young man standing in his office. "Very well, Mr. Ross."
"That's good to know." Pete replied. "I wish I could say the same, but I must have had one too many Dr. Peppers last night. Because let me tell you, I must have got up at least three times last night to use the bathroom." He said, trying his best to keep a straight face.
Lex looked away and absently nodded his head before his sharp blue eyes locked with Pete's dark brown. "That's quite unfortunate."
"Yeah," Pete said. "It's a good thing the bathroom was right there, or I don't think I would have a made it."
"Lex!" Clark exclaimed as he jumped up off the couch, his face giving away his nervousness. "We were thinking about going to the Talon for breakfast. You want to join us?"
Lex smirked at his best friend. "I'm afraid a can't, Clark. Something came up last night that's going to require my full attention." The last part was said while giving Pete a knowing look. "But you guys go ahead without me."
"Well, you'll know where to find us if you change your mind." Pete replied. "Come on, Ladies, your chariot awaits."
Chloe rolled her eyes as she stood up and put on her coat. "Thanks again for everything, Lex." She said.
"My pleasure, Miss Sullivan." Lex replied.
"Yeah, Lex. I really had a good time." Lana added.
Lex simply nodded at her and watched as the three left his office before turning back to a still nervous looking Clark. "Aren't you going to join them?"
Clark snapped out of his daze and quickly pulled on his coat. "Yeah." He replied. "You sure you can't come with us, Lex?" He asked as the two made their way to the front door.
"I'm sorry, Clark, I really wish I could, but unfortunately I can't."
Clark nodded. "It's ok, I understand." He gave Lex a nervous half smile then trotted down the drive to join the rest of his friends.
Lex narrowed his eyes as he watched the four of them drive off, all the while whispering, "Revenge is a dish best served cold."
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