by Marag and Terpsichore
ALEXANDER THE GREAT - you gotta love the internet. Clark hummed to himself as he typed the object of his report into the Google search engine
Ok, lets see what we have... history...biography.... Lovers...
Whoa lovers, gotta check that one out later... k.... Live Journal ~altg...
"Live Journal??" What the heck?
Okay, now I know I'm just a backwoods farm boy, but I am fairly certain that Alexander is a few thousand years dead and therefore unlikely to be subscribing to a live journal.
Clark snickered to himself at his lame joke, then clicked over to a couple of the more learned articles.
Two hours later, his report finished, typed, proofed and ready to print, Clark decided he rated a little playtime.
"So, let's go find out what Alexander has to report in his diary..."
This evening I lied to my love.
Okay - this isn't what I figured. Clark thought to himself.
He asked me a question, and while I didn't lie, I made sure that my evasion was such that his own desire to believe in me would win out over his suspicion.
But those of you who have been reading this diary awhile know that I am an immoral bastard, so this isn't per say, news.
I am also quite aware from my fan mail (and I do thank you btw) that you could care less about my real life inability to seduce my love.
You just want to read my latest fantasy...
Should I be on this site?? Okay, stupid question.
The Female came on to me. I wasn't sure if I should be amused or offended. That creature is unbelievable.
What my love sees in someone so totally without personality continues to be a mystery beyond even my ability to fathom.
But later, when I was finally alone, when things had finally quieted down... I imagined it hadn't been her, but my love who approached me, and my last coherent thought was that if the steer who died for those pants had seen my Hephaestion wearing them, it would have stripped off its own hide.......
Five hours later, Clark finished reading the fantasy, and every other word on the site.
His first encounter with gay erotica left him hard as a rock and confused as hell. Knowing he had to be up in a few short hours, Clark logged off the Internet.
But not before book marking the site.
Welcome back gentle reader - today, something a little different.
Something happened this week, that has my thoughts going someplace a little... ... darker... than usual.
Clark looked up and did a fast scan of the house. His mother was still out, and his dad was in the back forty. Good, he had some time.
He'd been reading these journal entries for over 3 months now. Sometimes there were three entries a day, other times nothing for a week. Clark checked faithfully at every opportunity.
Darker? Well, that set him back a moment.
Some of these fantasies had been dark already. The one where the boy Alexander called Hephaestion had begged his Alexander to tie him down and take him over and over, with no preparation...
Clark had printed that story out.
He reread it.
But some of the fantasies had been so romantic. There was a real soft under-core to this Alexander. In the fantasies, the boy was Hephaestion, but in the narratives from life, he referred to the other man as "my love".
For a medium with Zero Body Language, those two words seemed anything but casual.
Thinking it over, that isn't correct. Not dark, not to anyone normal. But I suspect we've safely established over these last few months that normal is not a word generally used to describe me. So, Constant Reader, today I have another confession to make.
Apparently I, ALexander the Great, am a romantic.
I had a run in with Lucifer today. He stormed the gates of my castle and proceeded to do everything in his not inconsiderable power to turn me into a simpering mess.
Now as unlikely as that event is, he almost managed it.
Though not in a manner he in any way envisioned.
My father hugged me today. That brings the grand total of hugs in the last three years up to two. One was for Public consumption, but this was for no reason outside whatever it is that Lucifer substitutes for genuine emotion.
My father put his arms around me and drew me close in a bizarre parody of affection and my mind spun back to the last time. That time, as I was held in warm arms I had never felt colder in my life; then I looked over at my love. He was being hugged by his father.
I watched them, so much love, so much warmth.
And in that moment I knew that it didn't matter what I tried to convince myself, my motives for pursuing my love were not corrupt, not a desire to know, to exploit to have what I shouldn't. That was the moment I realized I loved him. Deeply, and likely forever.
It all flooded back to me today as my father again wrapped his scrawny, cold, arms around me.
And I damned near cried.
Clark shut down the internet connection. Wiping the tears from his eyes he leaned back in his chair.
"Oh Lex," he sighed
...and barely noticed as he and his chair hit the floor.
It can't be.
I'm imagining it ... it's a ... a... coincidence.
We have those here. This is Smallville - Hellmouth without the nice California weather.
It can't be him...
Clark picked himself up off the floor and logged back onto the net.
Welcome to Live Journal of ALexander the Great
ALexander - there it was, ever time the name was typed, the L was capitalized.
"Well holy shit."
Clark logged off and reached for the phone.
"Hey Lex, it's Clark."
"And I am delighted that it is, as this has not been one of my better days. What's new and exciting at Chez Kent?"
"Nothing much, I was just thinking about you, wondered how your dad's visit went, stuff like that."
"It was the usual nightmare, he rode in.... Clark, how did you know my father arrived today?"
"You must have mentioned it."
"I didn't know about it until he walked through the door. Clark, he hasn't... approached you has he?"
"No. About what?"
"Nothing, never mind, it's good to hear your voice. What are you doing tomorrow? I could use a break and a little good company - care to join me for overpriced gourmet popcorn and a few hours of Drive In Classics?"
"Yeah, that sounds great. What time?"
"I'll pick you up around seven. Gives me a chance to suck up to your parents, and gives you a chance to drive the Ferrari."
"Ah, Lex, you do love me."
The pause on the other end of the phone would have been easy to miss had Clark not been listening for it. "You know it farm boy. See you then."
Clark hung up the phone, and tried to think.
Lex tossed the phone on his desk, wishing he could toss it out a convenient window. "Shit. Fuck. Damn."
Lex didn't even bother to try to contain his anger as he grabbed the phone and dialled Clark.
"Hi Clark, listen, I have to cancel tonight."
"Why? I mean, are you okay? You sound..." Clark paused and went for the tactful word, "upset."
Lex's snort was audible. "Yeah, that's a nice polite word for it. Dad has demanded my presence at a meeting. I have to be in Metropolis about an hour ago. I'll be gone a couple of days..." Lex closed his eyes and gathered himself together. "I'm sorry."
"Oh." Clark tried not to sound too disappointed. No need in making Lex feel worse than he already did. "I'll miss you." He didn't mean for his voice to catch and drop an octave on the sentence but it did anyway.
Two days without Lex. He would miss him. Very much.
Lex listened and heard word that hadn't been spoken; he knew it was his imagination, but it might be enough to carry him through. "I'll miss you too Clark." Damn what the hell was wrong with him, he sounded like he was saying goodbye to a... lover.
Shit Fuck Damn. "Hey Clark - rain check? As soon as I get back?"
"That'd be great." Clark grinned, "I can't wait."
"Its a date."
The pause was subtle, but it was there... Clark heard it, just before the word date.
"It sounds perfect. Just don't stand me up."
"Clark, you do know that if it were anyone other than Lionel..."
"It's okay, Lex. I know. You have to go. Just be careful." Clark heard the phone creak under the sudden tension in his fingers.
"Clark... I..." What the hell was the matter with him? He just told Clark he'd gladly blow off the universe for him, and now he was ... who the hell knew what he was doing. "I'm really sorry about tonight." Lex knew that there was a second level to this conversation. A lot was being said that wasn't being spoken aloud. Damn his father to hell anyway.
"Me too." Clark could barely force the whisper out. He wasn't sure what was wrong with him but he suddenly didn't want to let Lex off the phone.
"Lex? Ummm, when you get home, I've been thinking and I..." Clark swallowed. "I want to talk to you about some stuff."
"You sound like you're trying to build up the nerve to dump me." The words were out of his mouth before his brain fully engaged.
"No! Not even close."
"Thank God... uh, I mean... that was supposed to be a joke... " What was going on? This conversation was making no sense. "Damn. Clark, I have to go or I am going to have to break land speed records to get to LuthorCorp. I lo.. I'll see you in a couple of days."
"Lex, I... be careful. I'll see you when you get home."
Lex had no voice. He simply disconnected the call.
Clark sat holding the phone listening to the dial tone buzz in his ear for several minutes before finally hanging up.
He hadn't wanted Lex to go.
He wanted to spend time with Lex. He wanted Lex to drive up in his car and pick him up and, and, go on a date. He wanted to go on a date with Lex.
Feeling not a little like an idiot, Clark dug around the back of his closet and got out one of his favourite ALexander stories.
Tonight, to help me sleep, I need a fantasy.
But what is it to be?
Hard and fast or slow and sweet?
Hard and Fast - a fuck, I need to dream about a hot sweaty fuck...
Who am I kidding...
The reality is that all I can think about is having him here, lying in my arms.
We've just made love; it's been slow and sweet and he's touched part of me that no one ever has. He's not sleepy, but he snuggles in closer. His head is on my chest. He's more powerfully built, but he seems to love this, lying protected from the world.
I feel a tongue caress my nipple. It's a tease, but it's not sexual. He's just making sure I know he's still here.
Like I could ever forget.
Like I could ever forget the feel of his mouth or how he tastes; what his fingers feel like as they caress my back...
...the press of his thighs as I enter him; the sounds he makes as I take him. so slow, so indescribably sweet.
He barely makes a sound as he comes. He's not a screamer, my Hephaestion.
Instead, he comes on a sigh, my name nothing more than a breath.
It means more to me than if he shouted to the stars.
Because that sound is for me and me alone; no one else has ever heard this rapture. No one else ever will.
Mine and mine alone.
I shiver as I feel my nipple being gently tweaked. He felt me drift away.
He has no idea that my thoughts are of him and only of him.
I shift - I want his mouth. I want to kiss him.
I want to savour the taste, his flavour, unique, special... a hint of me still lingers... I search his mouth to see if I can find any more. He doesn't object to the search.
He moves slowly against me. He is already half hard again, but he understands that more is not really my intention...
But what I really want, really need, is just him, here with me lying close, his love for me a hazy dream his eyes wet, joy radiating from within.
I know it's reflected in my eyes. So strong. So powerful...
It is from Hephaestion that I learned the lesson my Father could never teach me.
Nations are conquered for it.
People vanquished over it.
Nothing is more powerful.
Nothing is more important.
His hand is caressing me with a little more intent I think he suspects my thought are becoming maudlin. I wonder if he understands just how deeply I feel for him. I'd conquer the world to lay at his feet; he'd be just as happy if I offered him a daisy.
His kisses are becoming insistent. He wants to pull me back to him... not knowing that I never left. A finger enters me and I don't even try to hold back the moan.
Anything he wants.
After, when our heartbeats slow, and our breathing is no longer harsh, he'll want to talk about everything and nothing.. the weather, the state of the crops, the possibility of life on other planets, Lucifer's latest plan to take over the world...
The words won't matter, I'll just gather him into my arms...
And fall a little more in love.
Clark set the printed pages aside and sighed as he stroked one hand across his chest.
He closed his eyes and pictured Lex bending over him, a loving smile on his face as he touched Clark with tenderness and love.
He wriggled a little, trying to ease the pressure of his thickening erection against the denim of his jeans. "Lex..." he couldn't help the breathy little moan that slipped out. He pulled the t-shirt over his head and dropped it on top of the flannel shirt and shoes that he'd abandoned as soon as he'd reached his room. He popped the button on his jeans and eased the zipper down over his aching cock.
There was something about that fantasy. He loved the hard, hot, fast fucks that ALexander sometimes wrote about but this one...
Clark could feel the love rising from the pages.
Clark wiggled the jeans over his hips and down his legs until he could kick them off of his feet. He closed his eyes and let his fingertips ghost lightly over his body. They could be Lex's hand. Lex's fingers. Lex touching him. He arched into the touch of his own hands and sighed softly.
He was so hard. Aching. He wanted Lex so much. Lex.
Lex who wrote about him. Lex who thought about him. Lex who...
"Oh. Oh, God. Lex..." it was a soft whimper as he came into his own hand with one stroke.
Lex who loved him.
Lex loved him. ALexander loved Hephaestion. And naturally Hephaestion loved ALexander.
"I'm in love with Lex Luthor." And Clark lay on his bed for a long time, staring at the ceiling and grinning like a loon.
I hate my father. I hate my father. I hate my father. Lex repeated the mantra over and over in his mind as he drove the back roads leading to the Kent Farm.
Twenty-four hours directly under the thumb of Lionel had left Lex tired, angry, and horny.
So of course instead of finding a willing body, or just heading back to his penthouse to collapse, he'd driven the three hours home. Except instead of the Castle, he was pulling his car to a stop in front of the Kent's barn.
He closed his eyes and leaned back in the seat. "I hate my fucking father."
Yeah, and maybe if I say it out loud often enough it'll be true. With a disgusted sigh, Lex got out of the car and headed to the Loft.
"Clark? You around?"
"Hey, Lex. Up here."
Lex took the steps two at a time. Why the fuck am I here? "Hi."
"Hi." Clark smiled and walked over to rest one hand on Lex's shoulder, "How are you?"
Lex closed his eyes, enjoying the touch far more than he would ever be willing to admit. "I hate my father."
Clark stroked the hand on Lex's shoulder down his arm. "No, you don't. But I'm not going to argue the point. What'd he do now?"
"He breathes Clark, that is usually enough." He didn't even notice himself leaning into the warm touch.
"You look tired," Clark's hand continued to stroke gently up and down Lex's arm.
"Mmmm... Wanted to see you" his voice sounded sleepy to his ears. "We had a date tonight didn't want to disappoint you. Already had to cancel once." Lex kept his eyes closed enjoying the feel of the stroking; he could stay here forever.
"C'mon, sit down before you fall down." Clark lead Lex over to the couch and got him situated. "We can stay here. Want anything to drink?"
"Might wake me up...."
"Ok. Just rest here then." Clark sat down beside Lex and rubbed the back of his neck.
"...Oh, damn that's good...." Lex's voice was sounding more distant to his own ears. "... Glad I came home...."
"I'm glad you're home too, Lex. Shhhhh. Go to sleep."
"Shhhhh." Clark wrapped his arm around Lex and pulled him a little closer. Lex snuggled in, more asleep than awake now. "...ssorry... needed..."
"I'm here, you're safe. Sleep." Clark whispered the words and settled Lex against him. God. Lex. Coming to him to feel better. Clark's heart felt like it squeezed tight in his chest before it expanded and began beating faster and faster.
Lex felt so good against him.
Lex moaned slightly in his sleep, as if in pain.
Clark tightened his grip slightly. "It's ok, Lex. You're with me. Shhhhh..."
"...safe here, knew I would be..."
"Yes. Always safe with me." Clark forced the whispered words past the tightness in his throat.
Lex felt consciousness return slowly. He was unbelievably comfortable.
He was also far too warm to be alone.
Half opening his eyes, he looked up into the smiling face of his love. "Hey...."
He felt the grin half forming, as he tried to remember where he was. Not that he cared, Clark was here....
A warm hand was stroking his head. It felt wonderful. All vestiges of his Lionel-induced headache gone.
"Hey sleepyhead. How was your nap?" Clark smiled down at Lex. He'd spent almost half an hour gently manoeuvring Lex into stretching out on the couch, his head in Clark's lap.
Still half asleep, and feeling better than he had in weeks, Lex let a slightly sappy post-coital grin emerge. He knew all his love was in his eyes; he just didn't care.
Clark was smiling at him, and he was so comfortable, lying here, his head pillowed in his love's lap; the gentle, rhythmic stroking relaxing him like $400.00 an hour Swedish masseuses never could. "So, was I any good before I collapsed?"
Clark froze for a second. The look in Lex's eyes... He felt himself melting and hardening all at the same time, he just couldn't think of anything to say. "Lex?"
Lex stretched up into the hand that had stopped its lovely movement.
"...Oh, don't stop.. you can keep doing that for the rest of my life..."
He looked up into the slightly confused eyes, "...You have the sexiest blush..."
"Wow." Clark hadn't meant for the whispered word to actually slip out, but... Seeing Lex look at him like he was a four-course meal.... He resumed stroking Lex's head and let his hand drift down across his face. "Lex." Lex stretched, knowing he really had to wake up. "Okay, okay, I'm awake, more or less. Sorry, I guess the last couple of days with my dad...."
Lex froze; suddenly very wide awake.
"Oh. My. God."
"Lex, what?" Clark tightened his grip on Lex's shoulder.
"Clark?" Something in his chest seized. "You... I ... I was in Metropolis... " He sat bolt upright, ignoring the tangible ache in his body from the loss of contact. "I am so sorry Clark. I didn't... I wouldn't...." Lex looked away, he wasn't sure what he'd find if he looked in Clark's eyes, and that scared him.
"What's wrong? Lex, you just fell asleep. You were tired, it's ok." Clark tried to downplay the last few minutes. Lex looked as if he was about to bolt.
"I fell asleep? I don't fall asleep - I. I'm not even sure I remember coming over here." Lex realised that Clark still had a hand on his arm, and it was all he could do not to crawl into Clark's lap.
"You were exhausted, Lex. You remembered that we were supposed to hang out so you came over, but you were really tired."
"Exhausted. I guess I must have been. Clark, did I..? Well did I do anything... inappropriate? Should I be on my knees about now begging forgiveness?"
"Lex, no! You just fell asleep. That's all. I promise."
"I fell asleep? Do you know what kind of pharmaceuticals that usually requires?"
"I'm gonna assume that's a rhetorical question."
"Clark, I don't know what to say. I am so sorry. I never meant... I would never... Clark... Oh hell, I'm sorry. I think I had better leave."
"You don't have to go." Clark gestured helplessly, not sure what to do or say.
"Yes, I do."
Lex stood up and headed to the stairs without looking back. He stopped half way down, but didn't look at Clark. "Goodbye Clark."
Lex kept his breathing slow and even. He was almost proud of the fact that he made it all the way to the castle without breaking the speed limits, or his car.
"Could you give him my message, please? Thank you." Clark hung up and glared at the phone. Lex was still avoiding him. It had been three days since Lex had fallen asleep in the loft and Clark had not seen or talked to him at all since then. He wasn't home or was busy when Clark delivered produce and he was always 'otherwise engaged' whenever Clark called.
It was seriously starting to get to him.
He hadn't even been able to 'run into' Lex anywhere in town. Not from a lack of trying, though.
Clark was beginning to contemplate extremes - writing Lex a love letter or something.
The only reason he hadn't done it yet was that it felt a little - ok, a lot - juvenile.
Lex seemed to be determined to avoid him and there was no way that he could contact him if he didn't want to be contacted.
Clark sighed morosely and went to check his email. Lex had even ignored those.
He waited impatiently for the dial-up to connect and....
"Shit!" The computer! Clark hadn't even thought of it, a testament to how rattled Lex's avoidance had him. ALexander's Live Journal. There was one way to get Lex to talk to him. Even if he didn't know it was him.
Heard a song today:
I feel my wings have broken in your hands; I feel the words unspoken inside will pull you under.
I have never in my life been the sort to apply the radio to my life, I was never a teenager.
This is my apology to those of you waiting for a fantasy. Reality came crashing down on me.
I lived my fantasy, but like all dreams, I woke up... oh but for those brief moments, it was... well I find myself at a loss for words. The reality, even one that crashed down like a freefalling safe, was so much better than any fantasy, that I am afraid my heart just isn't in it any more.
I am sorry to say gentle readers, that this is my last entry.
As long as this was merely a safe outlet for my obsession, it was fine, but something happened that just makes anything I could write seem...
I thank you all for your support. Anyone who knows me would scoff at my need for such nonsense, but ...well, that is a confession for another time and place.
To save you the effort of bombarding me with E-mail I will not have the time to respond to, I will give you a few details... but only a few. What happened was a very private moment, one that will be with me for a long time as both one of my best memories, and worst nightmares.
Lucifer is partly to blame, but only partly - I had to spend time in his ever-relaxing presence, and I then did something utterly stupid.
I let my guard down. I forgot who I am. What I am.
As a result, my Love now knows how I feel.
I was able to extract myself before his revulsion made itself clear, but there is little doubt he now knows exactly how pathetic his so called hero is.
Losing the fantasy hurts, losing the potential, however small, that he might some day love me as I love him, is devastating.
But I have lost everything ; I have lost him.
I have no words for that. I do not understand why I am still alive. I've been dead; it didn't hurt this much.
And so, my sappiness ends. Goodbye all, and thank you for your indulgence.
ALexander the Great
"Oh, Lex." Clark exhaled noisily, "You ass! If you would bother to talk to me, but no...."
Clark quickly set up an email account of his own. The fact that there were already 837 Hephaestions threw him a little, but he took it as a good sign that firstname.lastname@example.org was still available.
I've been reading your LJ for a while now and am sorry to see that you are ending it. I have to say, I think it's a real cop-out. What evidence did you use to make your decision?
You don't say, but I can't imagine it's as bad as you think. If your Love is really as good a friend as you've said he is, he won't stop being your friend, no matter what. Think about it.
Hephaestion - and I am not sure I approve of your choice of pseudonym
Why not? You presume to know everything about your Love, but you may not. Ever consider that?
Clark grinned at the quick response to his email even if it was Lex at his most snippy.
Maybe you should.
Pray tell, why? I know one thing about my love - he is an innocent.
This could actually be fun. Clark cracked his knuckles and prepared to give Lex at least a little bit of a hard time. He deserved it for the misery of the last three days. AtG -
Because, unless you can read his mind, you really don't know how he feels about you. He might feel as I do.
Trust me, if he did... well, I suspect I would have noticed. He trusts me, or at least he did, and I came very close to betraying that.
Close? How did he react to close? Disgusted? Upset? Did he stop speaking to you?
He hasn't spoken to me since the incident, that should tell you what you need to know.
That sounds like an evasion. He hasn't spoken to you - his choice or yours?
So, he's tried to talk to you and you've refused him. Ever consider that you could be hurting him by doing that? Ever consider that he wants to speak to you because he feels things for you, that he misses you, that he might even love you?
Fine. You want the gruesome truth? I invaded his refuge, fell into his arms like a Victorian nymphet, slept basking in the love of my own imagination, and then treated him to some form of bizarre post coital lassitude, and when he tried to speak to me, all I wanted to do was...
This is pointless, No, he can't love me, no one could.
Evasion! A nice distraction, but still evasion. You are possibly hurting your love by avoiding him. But back to your distraction - you fell in his arms? Fell asleep in his arms? So, he pushed you out did he? That jerk! I would never push you away if you fell into my arms. Oh, and martyr much?
I prefer to be a living icon than a dead martyr thank you.
All right, no he didn't push me away - he wouldn't - I doubt he would be capable of it even if it.
But it was a fantasy, the reality is that when I opened my eyes I wanted...
Enough. I am not hurting him, I am saving him
What if he doesn't want to be saved? You wanted? I'd give you whatever you wanted.
You don't know me.
You didn't answer my questions. And I know you better than you think.
If you knew me , then you would know that I take whatever I want.
Still didn't answer my questions. I've only seen evidence of giving.
Fine, you want the truth?
Yes, I want the truth.
That would be why I keep reminding you that you didn't answer me.
Fantasy: I opened my eyes, he sees the love, and we exchange gentle kisses and live happily ever after.
When I opened my eyes and I felt so damned good, all I wanted to do was grab his head and pull that lush mouth down to my cock.
Fantasy V. Reality, and reality wins every time.
There is you answer; that is why I am making arrangements so that he never has to see me again.
And what if he wants to see you? Kiss you? Touch you? Suck you? Maybe if you'd touched his head he would have gone down on you more than willingly.
You are taking his choice away from him. That's not saving him; it's covering your own ass.
Clark shivered as he typed the words. He wanted to. He wanted to touch Lex. Kiss him. Hold him. Suck him. Love him. And if this didn't work, he was going to lose him. "Shit. C'mon Lex. Answer!"
Why did you choose that pseudonym?
Why do you think? Because I love you.
Don't be an idiot
Sorry, that last message was harsh, but you don't know me. As to your question, I doubt that he even knows how to spell fellatio.
I do know you. And I can spell blow-job.
I can spell making love. I can spell kiss. I can spell I love you.
Look this is pointless. I lost someone, I need to mourn, I need to get over it, and I need to move on. Lucifer wants me back under his thumb and maybe that's the best place for me. It's not that I don't appreciate your offer, meaningless sex would be very nice about now, but maybe I've grown a conscience of late because I just can't use people the way I used to.
If I have any regrets, it's that I lost a friend. I've not had many of those in my life, and even thought there were a lot of lies and half-truths between us, I considered him my best friend. I was stupid, I was thinking with my dick instead of my brain. And it's over.
It would be a mistake to leave without being honest with him. Give him that chance. So, if it's really over, and you only had one last moment, if you had one fantasy that could come true with him, what would it be?
That our last moments together had been real.
I am willing to admit that I am running away; but if you'd seen his face... He was so trusting, he didn't care why I was there, I needed him and he gave. When I opened my eyes, and I was lying in his arms... it was like every Christmas gift I never received.
He was so - open. He's straight, and he's young. I know he loves me as a friend, and maybe a bit of hero worship, the kind semi-crush a young man gets on his coach.
But I want it all.
That is where fantasy v. reality is rearing its ugly head. If I do see him again, and he offers me forgiveness, it would help; but if forgiveness were all he had to offer, it would destroy me.
I am not a good man. I don't deserve his loyalty, and I don't want his pity.
Honesty? Well, that is an entirely other conversation.
That's so sad. For you and for him. For you that you'll never let yourself try. Trust. Believe. For him that he never has a chance to make his own choice, to say yes or no. He doesn't get that. You're making the choice for him. All he knows or is going to know is that he's losing his best friend. Someone he loves.
It is rather pathetic isn't it? At the risk of sinking further into the land of clichs than I already have - it's better this way. He can't love me, not the way I need him to.
I can tell I'm not going to change your mind. You are too stubborn. But I am going to point out, one more time, that you're the only one with all the facts and you're making the decision for both of you. It smacks of disrespect for someone you're supposed to love.
PS - I do love you.
I will give that some consideration. I'm stubborn, but I try not to be a total idiot. But your declarations of love concern me.
Why? You can assert that you love Hephaestion without knowing everything about him but I can't say the same?
You're in love with something that isn't real. A fantasy world of words I've created to hide myself in. My love is flesh and bone and complications
He isn't Hephaestion, and I suspect that he wouldn't want the job. But let us suppose you were correct, and he does return my feelings.
I'd still use him. I use everyone.
I've - well I won't say I've enjoyed this chat, but I think that we both need to move on to bigger and better obsessions.
Final thoughts? One or two:
I thought "Channelling" was pass. Would you care to explain yourself?
I'm not 'channelling'. I'm stating facts.
Clark waited impatiently for the last email to drop, hoping that he had pushed Lex far enough and in the right direction.
My dear Hephaestion:
Just like that? You know it, so it is? QED?
Clark only paused long enough to sign out of his email account and disconnect from the internet, then he was running.
Out the door, across the fields, over the fence at the castle, slipping through the kitchen door and up to Lex's office.
All in about three and a half minutes.
He found Lex sitting at his desk, staring at the computer. Clark paused in the door of the office.
Lex looked - defeated.
Lex looked up and slammed the lid of the laptop shut. "Clark? What are you doing here?"
"You asked me to prove it."
"I...?" Lex's voice sounded strained for a moment before Luthor training surfaced. "I am surprised to see you. I got the impression... anyway, I was in the middle of something, was there something you wanted?"
"Yes. That's why I came over. That's why I've been calling for the last three days. I want you.."
Lex stood up and walked over to the window behind his desk.
"Well, you know that you are always welcome."
"Uh huh. I can tell by the you've been avoiding me." Clark walked closer to Lex. Lex kept the desk between them "You said you needed proof of something?"
"No, Lex. You're the one who said you needed proof."
The blood drained from Lex's face. "Why would I say that?"
"Why?" Clark tried to grin, but too much hung in the balance for him to really find humour in any of this. "Because you're a suspicious kind of guy. You wanted proof, here I am."
Lex was grateful for the support of the stone wall behind him. "I have no idea what you're talking about." Self-preservation was a long standing trait, but he still nearly choked on the words.
When presented with the impossible, the probable ceases to have meaning.
"Sure you do. You wanted proof. Proof is standing in front of you."
"Proof of what Clark?"
"That Hephaestion knows what he's talking about." Clark refused to look away from Lex.
Years of self-control kept Lex's eyes from flickering towards the computer. "Hephaestion?"
"Yes. Hephaestion. Beloved of Alexander the Great." Clark looked pointedly at the computer and raised his eyebrows.
"He was, wasn't he?" Clark couldn't quite bring himself to say 'I am, aren't I?'
"Very much so." Lex answered the unasked question.
"And Hephaestion loved Alexander." Clark looked unblinkingly into Lex's eyes.
"The legends say that no one had a greater love"
Clark smiled. God. Lex was being purposefully obtuse. Time to up the ante just a bit. "And now, A-Lex-ander? How do you feel about Hephaestion?"
"How did you know... Look Clark, what happened the other day..."
"Answer the question," Clark interrupted.
"I love him."
"He loves you too."
"It can't be this easy."
"You call this easy?!?"
"How long have you known?"
"About the Live Journal? Months. That you were ALexander? I suspected for a while. I wasn't positive until a visit from 'Lucifer'."
"The phone call. I really should have picked up on that."
"I was surprised when you didn't." Clark started inching around the desk, trying to look casual.
"So, you, read the Journal?" Lex couldn't quiet meet Clark's eyes as he asked the question.
"Then I guess we have things we need to talk about. Things I need to explain...."
"Do you really want to talk about this now?"
"Are you a virgin?"
Clark stopped moving and coughed. "Am I a virgin?" He took a deep breath and looked at Lex calmly, "Yes. I am."
"Don't you have - questions? I mean, you - well. You read - every word?"
"Some of them twice. Some of them many times." Clark couldn't stop the blush but he didn't look away. "And yeah, I have some questions, but I don't want to ask them now. Maybe later. When we're... more comfortable."
"Which one was your favourite... Damn I did not just say that out loud. You know Clark, any minute now the real me is going to show up and take over so I really hope that you truly understand what it is you are offering."
"I understand what I'm offering." Clark moved closer, invading Lex's personal space.
"I do have a couple of favourites. One of them was where ALexander and Hephaestion had sex in every imaginable position and place until they passed out from exhaustion. That one was hot. And there a couple of the -darker - ones that we are going to talk about, and talk about in great detail."
Clark leaned in and spoke softly into Lex's ear. "But there was one true favourite. It was where we just lay in bed together, kissing, touching, talking, laughing." Clark moved his head lower, and whispered the words against Lex's lips. "It's my favourite because that one was about love. "
Lex closed the distance and took what was being offered. His resolve to keep it light and easy lasted as long as it took for him to get his first taste of Clark.
Clark moaned and responded to Lex's questing mouth.
Lex pulled back and looked at Clark through narrowed eyes. "You don't kiss like an amateur." He didn't give Clark a chance to answer before winding his hand into Clark's hair and reclaiming that sweet mouth.
Clark clutched Lex and hung on for the ride. Lex pulled back, "Clark, if you're planning on leaving this house a virgin, go now."
Clark stood stock still and smiled.
Lex smirked at him. He was standing pressed against the wall by Clark's body. He slid free, pleased to note Clark's full body shiver at the move. "Well, then, if that's your final word on the subject, follow me."
He sauntered out of the room, not bothering to check if whether Clark was following and slowly climbed the stairs, undoing the buttons on his shirt as he walked. "Ah, ah, ah," he scolded as he heard the sound of Clark doing the same; "That's my job."
He stopped briefly at the door to the Gym. He glanced at Clark over his shoulder raised an eyebrow, "Every word Clark?"
And was rewarded with a blush that he wanted to taste.
Clark was so close on Lex's heels that he almost stepped on him when Lex came to a stop outside his bedroom door.
Lex opened the door and strode into the room "Close the door behind you, and lock it."
Lex smiled at the sound of the lock engaging. He took off his jacket and tossed it at a chair. Turning around, he slid off his tie slowly, watching Clark's face as he did. "Come here."
Clark smiled and crossed quickly to Lex, crowding up against him. "Is this where you wanted me?" He rested his hands on Lex's hips. "If I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to scare me away."
Lex turned them around and pushed Clark onto the bed, following him down and straddling him. "Aren't you scared?"
Clark blinked up at him, "No, I'm not."
"You should be Clark, because I'm fucking terrified."
"I'm here, I love you, I got you to admit you love me. Lex, I've already done the hard part."
Lex grinned and leaned down - stopping suddenly and rearing up. "Wait a minute; how the hell did you get here so fast after my last email?"
Clark opened his mouth, an automatic excuse ready, but then he realised he just couldn't do it. "Lex? Can we not do this now? I don't want to lie to the man who is about to take my virginity."
Lex thought for a second. "Clark, if my choice is having the truth from you or making love to you, it's a no-brainer - just promise me we will talk later."
Clark pulled Lex close. "Much later." He sighed into Lex's mouth as he took the kiss Lex had denied him.
Lex kept the kiss gentle. He felt the hint of desperation from Clark. It was this sharp reminder of Clark's innocence that gave him the control he needed to not simply take what he so desperately wanted.
Clark moaned and pushed against Lex with his entire body.
"Easy babe, we'll get there." Lex pulled away from that oh-so-delicious mouth and sat up.
Clark licked his wet lips and gulped in a deep breath. "Let's make it soon."
Lex smirked at him. He then finished unbuttoning his shirt, taking special care to make sure the job was done - properly. He didn't so much take it off as slither out of it; grinning at Clark's hiss. "Yes?"
"God, yes." Clark ran his hands up and down Lex's bare arms, "Let me touch you."
"Want you so much. I missed you so much these last three days. God, Lex you have no idea. I..."
Lex unbuckled his belt and very slowly slid if off. He tossed it on the pillow beside Clark`s head. "Oh I have lots of ideas, Clark..." He leaned in and nipped at Clark's ear "... thousands of ideas."
Clark shivered and swallowed convulsively.
Lex licked Clark's neck then sat up. "However, most of the better ones involve skin."
He slid his hands under Clark's T-shit and slowly, caressingly slid it up Clark's chest. "I've seen your skin. When you were in the field. It looked cold, hard. All I wanted to do was warm you."
"I'm not cold now." Clark shivered as if his words were a lie, and he reached up to press Lex's hands more tightly against himself.
"No, you're not cold now, are you?" Lex leaned down and licked a broad stripe from the base of his throat to one tempting earlobe. "Take your shirt off for me. Slowly..."
Clark reached down for the hem of his T-shirt and pulled it slowly up and over his head, shaking his hair back into place as he tossed the shirt to the side.
It was Lex's turn to swallow. There was no artifice, but it was still the sexiest thing he had ever seen.
Lex ran his hands over the broad chest. "You are perfect. Just perfect." Suddenly he bounced up and sat on the side of the bed. "Just so you know," he said, kicking off his shoes and reaching to pull off his socks.
"There is no sexy way of getting rid of shoes. So lose the trainers and the socks and meet me in the middle."
Clark grinned, and quickly flipped his shoes off and balled his socks up and tossed them across the room.
Lex watched from his studiously casual position on the bed. He raised an eyebrow but made no comment. When Clark reached for the button on his jeans, Lex stopped him. "Not yet. Come here."
Clark studied Lex for a second and then pounced, landing over him on his hands and knees. "I'm here."
Lex reached up and pulled Clark down onto him, raking his nails down his back as he latched onto the lush lips. "Yes, you really are, aren't you."
"Mmmmhmmmm" Clark arched into Lex and opened his mouth for him immediately.
He rolled them over onto their sides. Taking control, gentling and taming the passionate kiss. He kept them like that, kissing, sucking at each others mouths until he felt Clark relax. Lex wanted to touch every inch of skin he could, but found his hands kept winding back into Clark's hair.
Every time he felt Clark start to get close, felt a tightening of the hands frantically stoking him, he pulled back, easing Clark back from the edge. Clark moaned in frustration and pulled Lex hard against him. "Lex... I want you."
Lex heard the tremor of near pain in the voice and knew that Clark was ready for more.
"I'm going to touch you. You're probably going to come as soon as you feel my hands, but that's okay - I want you to come." His followed his words with actions, carefully opening the jeans and easing his hands inside to free Clark from the boxers.
"Oh. Ohhhhhh. Lex. Fuck." Clark arched into Lex's hands and shuddered hard.
Lex flashed a wicked grin, then slid down and took the head of Clark's cock into his mouth.
Clark's mouth opened to scream but the only sound that came out was a soft keening sound. He clutched the comforter in his hands to keep from grabbing Lex and thrust twice before coming hard.
Lex swallowed every drop. Clark tasted strangely sweet with the faintest hint of something - alien, and Lex was instantly addicted. He pulled back gently, delighted to note that Clark had barely softened. He took advantage of his lover's relaxed state and pulled the jeans and boxers off his body, dropping them casually off the side of the bed.
He thought about removing his own, currently very uncomfortable, trousers, but held off. One spectacular orgasm or not, Clark was still firmly in the shy virgin camp.
Lex couldn't keep the delight off his face when he took his first good look at his prize. Clark was beautiful all over.
Filing away a few very wicked thoughts for later, he lay back down beside the still slightly stunned man, leaning in for a quick kiss. "You okay?"
"I'm great. Better than great." Clark grinned and ran his hands across Lex's face, tracing his lips with one finger before moving on to trace a path down his throat to his chest. "You feel good." He circled one nipple with his fingers, watching with delight as the skin instantly puckered and the nipple hardened.
Lex's only reply was a quick intake of breath.
Clark continued to explore Lex's chest, watching intently as Lex's smooth skin twitched in response to the passage of his fingers. He tickled the skin right above the waist-band of Lex's pants and watched the shivers ripple up his body. "Lex, you still have your pants on."
"Huh?" Lex looked at Clark with confused eyes. "Pants?" The arousal was clear on his face.
"Yeah. You know. These things." Clark tugged on the waistband, "They're still on."
"Oh." Lex shook off a little of the intense arousal that was turning him monosyllabic. He offered Clark a half grin, "Did you want to do something about that?"
Clark didn't answer but tipped Lex over onto his back and immediately set to work rectifying the problem.
"Lift," Clark eased the black trousers and boxers down over Lex's cock and then quickly pulled them over his legs and tossed them off the bed, never taking his eyes off Lex's lean, hard, naked body.
"You are amazing."
Lex looked up at Clark and just looked stunned for a second. Then he started to laugh, a slightly hysterical edge to it.
"You're really here."
"Ummm, yeah. I thought, you know, the whole naked in the bed with you thing," Clark blushed furiously and cleared his throat. "I thought that kind of gave it away."
"I love you."
Clark snapped his open mouth shut and blinked hard a couple of times, "I was so scared. You wouldn't talk to me and you wouldn't see me and I didn't know what to do."
"Clark this is a bad idea on a lot of levels, but you're really here and not even your father walking through that door with a shotgun is going to make me leave this bed." Lex reached up and pulled Clark down "You're too far away..."
There was nothing gentle about the kisses now. None of Lex's legendary control. It was as if the sudden realisation that Clark was here had broken some hold on him.
"Lex." It was the only word left in Clark's vocabulary and he whispered it over and over between kisses. "Lex."
"What do you want? Tell me what you need."
"You, I need you. I want you. Lex, Lex. I love you. Want you."
Clark moved frantically against Lex wanting to be closer, ever closer, needing more of his touch. "Lex, please."
Lex whimpered as Clark's writhing brought their cocks together. He rolled them back onto their sides and wrapped a leg over Clark's hip, pulling them together. There was no finesse, he thrust hard against Clark, his nails raking down his back and ass as he tried to teach Clark the desperate rhythm.
Clark whimpered and drove against him gasping his love and hunger and want against Lex's lips between kisses.
Lex's words were no more coherent, his need, his hunger taking on terrifying proportions. "I love you, let go babe, come for me, come with me..."
Clark spread his thighs and hooked one heel around Lex's legs pulling him harder and deeper against his desperately hard cock.
Lex froze, a scream trapped in his throat, and then he was coming - god he was dying - and Clark was coming, and someone was crying and not a god damned thing in the universe mattered except this man in his arms.
There were questions unanswered, recriminations, problems to be considered... but for now, as sweat cooled and heartbeats slowed, the lovers slept.
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