The Very Secret Diaries of Smallville, All Parts

by LaCasta

Feedback keeps the cows happy!

These are inspired by the Very Secret Diaries from the Lord of the Rings. Humble bows to their originator.

This is also dedicated to all the spammers in the world--without your infiltration of my email inbox, I probably never would have dreamt of Smallville being full of pervy cow-fanciers. Now, stop it.


Woke up, checked. Still not President. Damn.

Another morning. Still not President. Am developing philosophical attitude towards this. "Sic bisquitas disintegrat," I tell myself, while breathing deeply. Think I'll buy some more clothes. Black for a change?


This place is strange. Former creamed corn capital of the world, HAH! More like concussion capital of the world. I bet it's also full of pervy cow-fanciers.


Luthors don't have regrets. Nonetheless, rather wish that I hadn't pantsed Bill Gates so often.

Wonder why Lex insists on staying in the aptly named Smallville. Wouldn't just the name give most men the creeps?

New shampoo does provide both bounce and lightness. Must buy more. No. Must buy company and have them make it just for me.

Query to self: Is it "Bwahahaha" or "Mwahahaha?" Must get that settled before launching evil plans of hair control.

Lex still says he wants to stay in Smallville. Hope he hasn't turned into a pervy cow-fancier. That's just what I need. "Dad, meet Bessie." "Moo." But then, it would mean no way she'd have better hair. Hee.


Wandered into new aisle at drugstore. Makeup remover! What will they think up next?

Whee! Today, nobody stalked or was otherwise obsessed with me! It does make life kinda boring, though.

Shouldn't have said anything. Stalked by another meteor freak. Note to self: Consider learning basics of self-preservation. Is there a class somewhere or maybe a book?

Favorite shampoo no longer made any more. I've gotten from Denial to Anger to Bargaining.

Reached Acceptance.

Clark keeps telescope turned to pastures. Suspected truth all along. He's a pervy cow-fancier!


Clark didn't develop any new powers. Hoping that he'll develop power to clean hair out of shower trap but no luck.

Offered job by unscrupulous business man. Husband hates it. Son (no new powers) is dubious about whole thing. Life is good.

Went out and bought new lingerie. Hoping to reintroduce some steamy passion to marriage. Will update tomorrow. Hope to be writing in red and using lots of dirty words!

Planning to use lots of dirty words. All about Jonathan. Black lace. Zip. Red silk about the size of dental floss. Didn't raise his eyes (or anything else). Husband saw Holstein pattern got as joke for mom--that did it for him. Jonathan should have said something when introduced self. "My name is Jonathan and I'm a pervy cow-fancier."


Monday: I wonder if anybody will pay attention to me today. While waiting, discovered no really good anagrams of my name, it's more tiring twiddling your thumbs backwards rather than forward, and that I can balance a ballpoint pen on the back of my wrist for exactly 83 seconds. Go me!

Tuesday: Clark says I fired a gun at Lex Luthor. Go me! Wish I'd videotaped it. I never get to appear on videotapes. Maybe there's a security tape? Naah. I'm not that lucky. But still, go me!

Saturday: Bio teacher tried to make Jonathan Kent shoot Lex Luthor. Go Mr. Kent! But still. Should have been my chance. I have qualifications for that! I even have experience in Luthor-shooting! But nooooooo. That "nooooooo" looks a lot like "mooooooo." Thought: Maybe cows will let me act for them and would pay attention?

Thursday: Found spaceship. Figure that this will mean lots of people will pay attention to me!

Friday: Figures. Spaceship belongs to Clark.

Sunday: Added "and Clark is from God knows where" to his copy of "Men are from Mars." Maybe if he appreciates it, people will pay attention to me?

Monday: Nobody noticed. Will see if I can get cows to let me act for a few minutes.

Tuesday: Farmers get mad when you try to act out scenes for their cows. One of them even called me a pervy cow-fancier! Note to self: Good thing picked King Lear and not Romeo and Juliet.


Monday: Another person nearly found out my secret but got shot at the last minute. Watched Lana some. Saw upper lip move once. Probably my fault. Or maybe because of hornet landing on her lip. Don't have heat under enough control to fry it from loft. My fault.

Tuesday: Another day, another person nearly found out my secret but got shot at the last minute. Moped some. Fortress of Solitude cheesy name. Should have asked Dad to name it "Where the hot chicks swarm." Rethought that. Maybe not. Probably my fault.

Friday: Pete did find out my secret but nobody shot him. Don't get it. But good! He makes me look taller. Even in flannel, I'm the prettiest!

Tuesday: In the bar, those guys were definitely checking out my butt. Not Jessie's. Still the prettiest! So definitely my fault!

Wednesday: Bad weather. My fault.

Thursday: Thought somebody was checking me out while doing chores so obligingly took off shirt. They were pointing at the herd instead. Pervy cow fanciers. I'M the prettiest!


Monday: Nearly ran out of platitudes. Had to call in homespun wisdom instead. Scary moment! But's it's all behind us now. Can't look back or cry over spilled milk. Well, nearly spilled milk. Stupid metaphors.

Wednesday: Lex Luthor was wearing leather again. Waste of a perfectly good cow. Stupid Luthors. Pervy dead cow skin-fancier.

Saturday: Tried to shoot Lex Luthor. Clark stopped me. Stupid abilities.

Sunday: Martha sulking about something. Heifers! I mean, "women." Stupid underwear.


Monday: Got frustrated with various aspects of life. Found that if I glare right and concentrate, I can turn people to stone! And back. Don't know quite what to say to Mrs. Middleton now. Good thing she didn't actually see me do it.

Tuesday: I wonder if this has something to do with a completely forgotten incident from my childhood when I was playing statues and the meteor storm started. Maybe I'll ask Chloe Sullivan.

Wednesday. Chloe says "yup." Actually she said a lot more than that but gist = yup.

Thursday. I'll use this power only for good.

Friday. I'll use this power only for good and maybe morally neutral. Feeling odd compulsion to stalk Lana Lang.

Saturday. Good, morally neutral, and morally ambiguous. Feeling odd compulsion to walk up to Lex Luthor and give him a concussion. Also to stalk Lana Lang.

Tuesday. No fun. I was going to tie things up neatly by using new power to stalk Lana Lang, turn her to stone, and use her to hit Lex Luthor but Chloe tipped off Clark Kent that I have this weird power and he and that guy who hangs around with him but never gets more than a line to say stopped me.

Wednesday. Named a cow Lana Lang. Am now stalking it. As long as nobody calls me a pervy cow-fancier, all should be well.

If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to LaCasta

Also, why not join Level Three, the Smallville all-fic list?


Level Three Records Room