My Friend the Gay Mutant Alien, by Pete Ross

by jacquez h. valentine


Thanks to everyone who took the time to comment on this, particularly many of the members of FCA: Sharakh, Auden, Rache, Lucy, Jennie, Rana, Mark, Mary Ellen, Mosca, Katisha, and JJ. (Did I miss anyone who commented? If so, my apologies, and my thanks.)
Extra soy-creamy thanks to Basingstoke, beta extraordinaire.


I slapped a mosquito and wished, for the six thousandth time, that Clark would come over to my house to study instead of always wanting to hang out in his bug-infested barn. It's like getting bit is part of the fun for him. Freak.

"Hey, Pete?"

I looked up from my math book. Clark was looking fidgety. I hoped a mosquito had nailed him somewhere good. "Yeah?"

"You're my friend, right?"

"What the hell kind of question is that? Of course I'm your friend."

He fidgeted some more. "You've kissed girls, right?"

"Yeah." Three of them. None of them Chloe, who was still hung up on freak-boy here, even though he had spent the last month being clueless about the fact she wanted him to take her to the formal.

"You ever kiss a guy?"

Now, that was a question I never thought I'd hear from Clark Kent. "What?"

He got that kind of speckly-red look he gets when he's blushing. It's funny as hell, the way he ends up looking like he has a rash or something. "Well, have you?"

"No." I narrowed my eyes at him. "Have you?"

"No," he said, and then took a deep breath and said, "but I've thought about it."

I narrowed my eyes some more. "You better not be getting ideas about me, because these lips are strictly for the ladies."

He laughed, but then stopped and did that wide-eyed I-am-Clark-Kent-weirdo-extraordinaire thing he does at me. "Pete, I think I'm gay."

"Yeah, right." I smacked my hand down on his math book. "Come on, Clark. Quit fooling around - we got studying to do. Do you think our math teacher's just a sadist, or is she following the wishes of her satanic master?"

He yanked his book away and stood up. "I'm not fooling around! I think I'm gay!"

I did not freak out. I did not freak out, because come on, Clark, gay? No way. Only he looked serious. I took a deep breath. I am Pete Ross. I am a cool man about town. I am not going to freak out because my best friend is gay. I am far, far, too cool for that.

Still, I've known Clark since forever, so I had to ask. "What about Lana?"

"Oh, Lana."

I threw a pencil at him. "Yeah. Oh, Lana. Oh, Lana-I've-had-a-boner-for-you-since-I-was-ten Lana."

"Have not!" He got all speckly again, like some kind of mutant chicken egg. "Well, OK. But I could still be gay."

I stared at him. "Clark. Two words for you. Internet. Porn. What do you like?"

Now he looked like a mutant lobster. "Um. I look at girls. And guys."

"So maybe you like both." See? Cool man about town. No freaking. "Can we study now? If I don't do well on the final my dad is gonna kick my ass. I got a B-minus on the last test and he hit the roof."

Clark sat down across from me and stared at his book. "Pete," he said, "I'm pretty sure I'm some kind of mutant. Or an alien."

"Yeah, whatever," I said. "A gay mutant alien who likes girls."

"And guys," he said, grinning.

"Guys," I said, "but not Pete Ross, you got me?"

He laughed. "Not Pete Ross. Got it."

I grinned back. "Freak. Now, are you gonna help me study, or am I going to have to find myself a new best friend?"

"All right, all right, we can study," he said, and flipped open his book. I swatted another mosquito and we settled down to nail these quadratic equations to the wall.



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