In the Pumpkin Patch

by victoria p.


Disclaimer: Come on! Do you think you're going to see gourds on the WB?
Notes: Thanks to Jen, Pete/Melissa, Dot, and Meg.


"Pumpkin picking?" Lex asked. "You've got to be kidding me, Clark."

Clark mock-pouted. "It's a Smallville tradition, Lex. I thought you wanted to be a part of the community."

"I see what you're doing. You're using my own words against me." Clark nodded, a big, goofy smile on his face. "You're lucky I like you."

Clark leaned in close, his lips right next to Lex's ear. "How much do you like me?" he whispered, his hand skating down Lex's back to land on his ass.

Lex turned into the embrace, lips quirked in a half-grin. "Enough to go pumpkin picking with your friends."

"But not enough not to make fun of me the whole time?" Clark's lips were against his now.

"Not quite," Lex answered before ending all conversation.


"The pumpkins aren't even on the vine," Lex said in disgust.

"There was a drought, Lex. They had to fly the pumpkins in from Canada," Chloe said.

"I came here expecting to pick a pumpkin off the vine. I think we should sue them for false advertising."

"There's no shortage of gourds," Clark said, changing the subject before Lex could get them all into trouble with the Smallville Chamber of Commerce. He led them into one of the tents where gourds and other produce were on display.

"Gourds?" Lex asked warily. "I gave up hallucinogenics when I turned twenty-one, Clark. Reality is strange enough. Especially around here."

"What?"

"Gourds. Peyote-- forget it."

They wandered the aisles of the display quietly for a few minutes. Chloe stopped every few feet to sort through baskets of tiny gourds.

"Hey, this one looks like a duck," she said, and Lex had to agree. It certainly did.

"This one looks just like a snake," Clark said. Someone else had obviously agreed, and drawn eyes on either side of what would be the head.

Pete sorted through the basket and picked up a knobby gourd about six inches long and one inch thick. "And this looks like a --"

"Pete!" Chloe gasped, blushing. She smacked his arm.

"What? I'm just saying--"

Pete, Lex and Clark exchanged mischievous glances.

"I was just going to say it looks like a, uh, a really long, uh, finger!" Clark said.

"A finger?" Chloe repeated, skepticism overcoming embarrassment.

"Yeah. A really long, er, finger."

"It doesn't look like a finger, Clark! It looks like a penis!"

Unfortunately for Chloe, just at that moment there was one of those lulls in the conversation when everyone goes quiet at once. Her voice carried through the tent, and everyone in the place turned to look at them. Chloe turned fire-engine red and clapped a hand over her mouth.

"Why doesn't the ground ever open up and swallow you when you need it to?" she muttered.

"What was that about swallowing?" Pete began, but she shot him the Look of Death and he immediately subsided.

Lex was not so easily cowed. "And how would you know what a penis looks like, Chloe?"

"Last week's Biology lesson," she said, raising her chin.

Lex turned to Clark. "You weren't involved in this -- biology lesson, were you, Clark?" His voice was low, dangerous.

"Uh--"

"What if he was?" Chloe challenged.

"Chloe! You told me you were over Clark--" Pete began, then stopped. "Lex, why do you care if Chloe and Clark --" he stopped again, unable to finish the sentence.

"I don't like my boyfriend having... biology lessons with someone else," Lex said.

"Clark is your boyfriend?" Chloe's voice once again rose above the crowd noise, causing them to be the center of attention.

"Damn," Pete muttered. "Not only an alien, but gay too?"

"Pete--" Clark warned, pulling him off to the side.

"He doesn't know?"

"Not yet. I'm going to tell him soon."

"Good luck with that."

"Can we not discuss this now?" Lex asked through gritted teeth, his eyes locked on Clark and Pete's whispered conversation, which was obviously meant to exclude him.

"So, Clark, when were you going to tell us?" Chloe asked. "I mean, it's not like we're random strangers. We're only your best friends."

"Hey, that's right," Pete interrupted before Chloe could work up a good head of steam. "If Lex is your boyfriend, does that mean I'm still your best friend?"

Lex held up a hand. "I'm still waiting for an answer to my question, Chloe."

"No, of course it wasn't with Clark, you ninny," she said. "Pete and I have been, uh--"

"You and Pete!" Clark interrupted. "That's great. I'm so happy for you. Especially after the whole gun thing."

"Gun thing?" Pete asked while Chloe made 'cut it out' gestures behind him.

"Uh, nothing," Clark said, grabbing the nearest gourd and turning it over in his hands.

"That one's kind of... phallic, too," Chloe teased, and he dropped it like it was on fire. She took Lex's arm and started walking again. "So, are your intentions honorable? Because if you hurt Clark, I'll kick your ass."

Clark and Pete hung back. "Are you okay with this, Pete?" Clark asked. "I know it's kind of weird--"

Pete snorted. "Clark, I know I got a little crazy about the alien thing, but this? No big. My Uncle Andy is gay. And I mean like, John Waters, not Rock Hudson, you know? So if you're happy--"

Clark smiled. "Yeah, Pete. I'm happy. And you and Chloe?"

"We're happy."

"Okay, then. Let's go home and carve some pumpkins."

And while Pete's back was turned, Clark pocketed the two phallic gourds. He never knew when Lex might want to try something crazy.

end



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