Title: Making plans
Disclaimer: All not mine but if you're feeling generous, who am I to say no??
Category: Episode Related, Humour
Rating: R (for violence and language)
Spoilers: All of season 1
Players: Chloe, Pete (who in the spirit of the show has one line)
Summary: In response to LJC's birthday challenge. Missing scene from after Chloe blows up at finding out Principle Kwan made Lana the new Torch editor (Rogue).
Author's note: I don't know LJC (except from her hilarious posts on TWoP), but I love Chloe muchly, so ... Happy 21st, LJC.
Thank you: Kathryn for the record breaking beta-ing (2 hrs 54 mins)
Feedback: Only if you aren't going to be mean.
Chloe ducks underneath the bleachers. God, she hates Lana!! Here she is on the verge of reevaluating her hatred for the girl and bam, in one fell swoop she just rekindles the flames of pure hate. It's bad enough that Lana is the prettiest girl in school and is dating the most handsome, popular jock, but she has to take away the only thing that Chloe had. She never even thought that there was enough brain matter behind Lana's made up laden eyes to be such a conniving little harridan.
That manipulative schemer has everyone wrapped around her perfect little finger. But what gets Chloe's goat even more is the way Lana is always so conflicted over Whitney and Clark. Oh, dear. Who to chose? The pretty quarterback or the pretty farm boy? Poor her, all these huge decisions must be overcrowding that flawless little head. Bite me! Or better yet, bite yourself, you little witch!
God, she just wants to tear out that perfectly silky hair that looks as though it belongs in a bloody Loreal ad. She winces as she can just imagines Lana bending down towards the camera with her ever so serene smile, going, `Because I'm worth it', with her upper lip as stiff as a week-old-dead cat. And that cute little butt that she shook in everyone's face as a cheerleader, Chloe just wants stick her army boot in that arse and leave. it. there.
And how did she just know that Clark would take Lana's side. Ugh. Every time she walks by, his eyes just glaze over. They might as well just bring in a bloody orchestra and have them play `Take my breath away' while Lana walks in slow motion. Then Clark can just fall to his knees and profess his undying love for her highness, while crawling on the floor to lick her shoes clean as she obliviously walks on.
For crying out loud, she is burning with hate for Clark's `la la la Lana Lang pretty love la la la'. Yuck! The only thing worse than Clark whining after little miss perfect is hearing his blah blah blah Lex cakes blah. Geez, who cares if Lex got a new car? He buys a new car every damn week!!
Watching Lex Luthor strut around in his fancy Armani suits and his expensive sports cars just drives her insane. Does he think that he's bloody Brian Kinney or something? Okay, given, he does have that fuck me animal magnetism but he still doesn't have to walk around all smug with the knowledge. And does he have to stroke every single inanimate object with such steaming sensuality. Geez, she can hardly look at a pool cue without naughty, inappropriate thoughts popping into her head.
And those constant eyefucks that Lex and Clark exchange at every possible opportunity, what the hell is that all about? She just knows that they are screwing like bunnies during mating season. How else can anyone explain the way Lex is constantly looking at Clark as if he were undressing the boy? And how else can anyone explain the way Clark's face just flushes into a bright red blush at Lex's gaze? Screwing like horny bunnies on Viagra and nobody can ever convince her otherwise!
Arghh. She just hates Lex and Lana. Hate hate hate hate. She whips open her laptop and starts typing furiously.
10 plans to kill Lex and Lana
*Plan 1 - The easy one. Squash them with huge meteor rocks.*
Hah! Poetic justice. Like parents, like daughter. She would have better aim than the universe and actually hit both Lex and Lana.
*Plan 2 - Rig Lex's car so that he runs Lana off the bridge and they can both drown in that stinking river.*
Clark should have just bloody left Lex there in the first place. Stupid Clark and his stupid saviour complex.
*Plan 3 - Poison their coffee.*
Maybe that will put the Talon out of business too. Then they would be dead and remembered as financial failures. Oooh, better yet.
*Plan 4 - Poison their coffee with sexual stimulants. Then put them in a compromising situation, where Whitney finds them, ties them onto stakes, torture them mercilessly with a feather for hours and then finally disposes of them into one of Lex's crap processing machines.*
Okay, that one's a bit iffy. But it could work.
*Plan 5 - Plant a huge photoshop manipulated picture of naked Clark in front of a huge cliff. Then stand back and watch as they both run off the overhang in their excitement.*
She smiles evilly. The added bonus of having a naked Clark picture. Yummy.
*Plan 6 - Burn all the pink and purple shirts in the world. Lana and Lex would have nothing to wear and their heads would explode from the embarrassment.*
Hmmm, that one might be a little bit difficult. All right, an easier one.
*Plan 7 - Steal all of Lana's pink eye shadow and mascara. Steal all of Lex's Ty Nant and designer shoes. They would suffer from such extreme withdrawal symptoms, they'd spasm to death.*
She probably wouldn't be able to recognize Lana sans make up and wonders if Lana single handedly keeps the mascara industry in business.
*Plan 8 - Lock them up into a small, enclosed space. With Lana whining about her bloody dead parents, and Lex not being able to start a damn sentence without `my father', they would eventually drive each other into a murderous frenzy. That is, of course, if they don't bore each other to death first.*
Sigh. Not having to listen to those two would be absolute heaven. Now, if she could only stop Clark from constantly talking about those two idiots. Maybe she should put Clark in there with them and he can kill them both once he realizes that they are whiny little brats.
*Plan 9 - Lure them both to Clark's barn with steamy love letters and then drop a huge generator on top of them.*
She was really warming up to the idea of pancake Lana and Lex. Now, there's something she wouldn't mind having for breakfast everyday for the rest of her life. That, and a maple syrup coated naked Clark. She licks her lips.
*Plan 10 - Kidnap Clark, Lex and Lana. Tie them all down, but not before first stripping Clark and smothering his naked body with syrup. Then force Lex and Lana to watch me lick every last drop off while they squirm till their heads explode!*
Oh, that one was definitely her favourite.
She quickly slammed her laptop shut.
"Hey. I heard what Kwan did. I'm really sorry. Are you okay?"
Chloe gave him a sincere grin.
Author's note: For the record, I ::heart:: Lex (and accordingly MR) with every fibre of my being, so if anyone so much as touches a single (imaginary) hair on his body, I will hunt you down. As for Lana, go crazy (and send me pictures, please).
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