At the Fifteenth Annual Evil Mastermind Convention. by Basingstoke.
Scott Evil. Lex Luthor. A wholly improbable crossover.
Scott leaned out the window and took a drag on his cigarette. He figured he was safe hiding in the bathroom for a while. Unless his dad needed to shave his testicles or something. God, this convention was a drag.
Another guy came in to take a leak. Scott checked him out under his eyelashes.
Black suit, lavender shirt, bald head. Definitely with the convention. He was pretty young, though, maybe twenty. Way closer to Scott's age than the rest of the tired old weirdoes.
The guy checked Scott out in return while he washed his hands. Not obviously, but he definitely did. Scott stuck out his hip into a bad-boy pose.
The guy came closer while drying his hands. "Can I bum a smoke?" he asked.
Scott held out the pack. He flicked his Zippo when the guy took one, giving him a light.
"Thanks. Nice lighter." The guy took a drag. "So how are you enjoying the convention?"
Scott made a rude noise.
The guy laughed. "The checklist."
"The King of Fish?" The guy made flipper motions with his hands, grinning.
"Contessa Fortissimo," Scott said, wincing at the memory of her eardrum-shattering soprano.
"My dad dragged me along."
"Oh, ditto. He said it would be, like, a bonding experience. Could this be any lamer?"
"Not if they tried." He held out his hand. "Lex Luthor."
"Scott Evil." He shook Lex's hand.
"Dr. Evil's son, right?" Lex squeezed in next to him and blew the smoke out the window.
"Yeah. I am not with Mistress Evil. Been getting that all weekend." Scott shuddered, thinking about Mistress Evil and her harem of assassin eunuchs. "Definitely not with her. Although Dad? Not that much better. I mean, he had his nemesis standing right there in front of him and he didn't shoot him. You know? I was gonna go get my Uzi but dad was all 'no, bring on the sea bass.' Yeesh." Scott sucked on his cigarette.
"Budget henchmen. Couldn't get sharks."
"Figures." Lex nodded. "Dad doesn't have a nemesis. We were workshopping it earlier. He says he's going to antagonize a farmer out by one of our plants."
"A farmer? A farmer as your dad's sworn enemy?" Scott laughed. "I'm sorry, dude, but that's pretty lame."
"Oh, believe me, I know." Lex rolled his eyes. "If we were talking a mutant farmer with super powers, that would be less lame, but this is just a guy who grows corn. Organic corn! Dad says he has grass-roots support that makes him more of a threat but I think he's full of it."
"Who's your dad?"
"Lionel Luthor. Evil businessman."
Scott wrinkled his nose. "Don't know him. We're in the evil scientist track, and they don't cross over much."
"God, I tried to get into that track, but Dad said no, I have to learn at his side." Lex puffed, blowing a smoke ring. "Being an evil scientist looks like a lot more fun. I'm studying to be a chemist."
"I want to be a veterinarian," Scott sighed.
"An evil veterinarian?"
"Nah, just a veterinarian." Scott shrugged. "But Dad, you know? Dad."
"Dad." Lex made a face. "Want to skip out?"
Scott tossed his smoke out the window. "Totally."
Lex took one last drag. "Cover story?"
"Don't need one. Playing hooky is evil." Scott made the devil fingers.
"Fantastic. My car is out front." Lex held up his hand and Scott high-fived him, grinning; Scott grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the bathroom and through the lobby. They were both ducking their heads and giggling like naughty children.
"Which car is yours?" Scott shouted when they burst outside.
Scott spotted it. His mouth fell open. "I love. Your car." Scott ran his hands over the hood.
"The advantage of the evil businessman track is that it pays well. Get in and we can go break the speed limit. It's on the checklist, even." Lex grinned. Scott vaulted over the door and into the passenger seat.
"Okay, hang on," Scott said as Lex slid into the driver's seat. He fumbled around in his pocket until he found his eyeliner pencil and mascara. "You need a better look if you're playing hooky."
"Lay it on me." Lex fluttered his eyelashes. "I didn't realize evil scientists were so fashion-forward."
"My dad also designs clothing, and I'm, like, partially his clone? So I guess it's in the DNA." Scott swiped the mascara over Lex's lashes and then followed the outline with black eyeliner. He rubbed his thumb over the line to smudge it. "Cool. Coolness. Oh, wait, here!"
Scott slipped off a few of his dozens of black rubber bracelets and gave them to Lex. Lex rolled them over his hand, which made him look like a New Wave rock star. "Ready?" Lex said.
In the end, they went to Denny's and got coffee and French fries.
"Nemesis Farmer, from the depths of Kansas," Scott giggled.
"Watch out for his Corn Stalk of Justice!"
"And his friend, Robo-Cow!"
"Does Nemesis Farmer have a daughter, is my question," Lex said with a sly smile, looking suddenly extremely sexy.
"Oh, man, do they workshop that too? Seducing the offspring of your enemies?"
"Yes. Dad made me take it. He said he was too old for such shenanigans." Lex rolled his eyes.
"Oh, man. I need to crash that track. In the evil scientist track, we just have a panel about sexual harassment of beautiful assistants."
Lex raised an eyebrow.
"Dad, though--he goes in for the militant lesbians and the guys named Fat Bastard. It's a whole different aesthetic."
Lex drew a French fry through the ketchup. "Shave your head. I'll lend you a suit and you can go to the panels as me."
"You wouldn't miss going?"
"I don't need lessons in seducing my enemies children." Lex set the fry between his lips and waggled it before sucking it into his mouth.
"I have a private room back at the hotel." Lex smiled, resting his chin on his folded hands.
Scott jumped up. "Check please!"
Scott tossed his shirt in one corner, his knife in the other, and his studded belt on the chair before Lex tackled him onto the bed. "Do you want an evil blow job?" Lex said in Scott's ear.
Scott groaned and writhed under Lex. "I want an evil assfucking!"
"We can do both and be twice as evil." Lex flicked Scott's eyebrow ring with his tongue. He knelt up and Scott rolled over to watch him undress.
"I've got some evil condoms in my evil wallet," Scott panted, watching Lex loosen his tie. "Oh, yeah."
Lex smirked again--obviously he knew exactly how sexy he was--pulled his shirt out and began unbuttoning it from the bottom up. Scott tugged at Lex's belt, then his own pants, and then Lex's belt again since he wanted to see Lex naked even more. And Lex bent over, his shirt hanging open, and undid Scott's pants. He slid backwards off the bed, grabbed Scott's ankles, each in turn, and held his foot against that pristine lavender shirt while unlacing his boots.
They left a print. Scott groaned.
Lex peeled the PVC pants off him, grabbed his naked ankles, leaned in to Scott's chest and kissed him on the mouth. "Right now I'm supposed to be attending 'Office Chatter: How Not To Give Away Your Evil Plots.'" He grinned. Scott's blue-black lipstick was smudged across his mouth.
"I'm supposed to..." Scott's mind went blank. "Fuck if I know. Do me!"
Lex kissed him again, still holding his ankles, and slid down to lick underneath the studded collar around Scott's neck. Scott rubbed Lex's shiny bald head and tried desperately not to think of his dad's shiny bald head. Oh, no. Images. Out of his head. Out.
Lex scraped his teeth slowly down Scott's chest, biting his stomach before standing up to take off his clothes. Scott spread himself out over the bed.
"Why are your balls shaved?" Lex asked.
"Dad's a freak."
"Gotcha." Lex dropped his pants, grinning at Scott.
Scott glanced over Lex's body. "Why are you shaved?"
Bald all over. Weird but cool, even though it did make Scott think of his dad. Bad! Bad thoughts! Ugh!
And Lex found the condoms while Scott was busy disgusting himself with his own brain, and was crawling up the bed with Scott's legs over his shoulders. "Brace yourself," he said, grinning wickedly.
God. So braced. So ready. So trying not to think of his dad--UGH! STOP! "Do it! Do it!"
Lex did it.
Scott grabbed the headboard, hoping like hell that the picture frame didn't fall right off the wall and clock him on the head, because he wouldn't want to stop.
There was a pounding in his ears--no wait, there was a pounding on the door. Lex stopped dead; Scott squeaked in protest and Lex clapped his hand over Scott's mouth.
"Please excuse me, Dad, I'm a little busy!" Lex shouted.
"We have dinner with the convention organizers in fifteen minutes!" Lex's dad rattled the handle. "Open this door!"
"I'm seducing an innocent, Dad! It's on the checklist!" Lex looked down at Scott, smirking. Scott bit his finger.
"Ah. Carry on, then, but I expect to see you at breakfast. Seven AM, sharp! Evil doesn't sleep in!"
Lex looked at the door, but that was all. He collapsed on Scott, giggling.
"I am so not an innocent," Scott grouched. Lex kissed Scott and started fucking again, thrusting hard enough that Scott forgave him.
Eventually, the picture frame did fall, but neither of them cared.
Lionel sipped his tea, his eye on Dr. Evil, who was the only other person still remaining at the breakfast table. It was eight-thirty.
Dr. Evil bit into a Danish petulantly, watching the door. "Children are so insolent," he said.
"No discipline." Lionel scowled.
"I don't understand it. I bought him a computer. I put him in a burlap bag and beat him with reeds. I had his testicles shaved, and still he defies me."
Lionel froze momentarily, considering that. He set the cup down slowly. "I admit I've tried more...traditional methods with Lex. Although the burlap bag is tempting..." Lionel rubbed his chin.
The door banged open. Lex strode into the room with his hand on another boy's ass. Lex was in yesterday's lavender shirt, untucked and shockingly rumpled, with a studded collar around his neck that emphatically did not hide a lurid hickey. "Lex!"
"Scott!" Dr. Evil shouted. So this was Evil's son, this blue-haired guttersnipe. One of his painted eyebrows was smeared off and he was wearing Lex's necktie over his Alien Sex Fiend shirt. Lionel recognized the LuthorCorp tie tack.
"Dad." Lex smirked. "So sorry I'm late. I was unavoidably detained."
"I am very disappointed in you," Lionel said.
"Come on! It was totally evil!" Scott was telling his father. "Playing hooky? Defying authority? We even broke the speed limit. And the bed!"
"Scott, don't make Daddy have to have you killed," Dr. Evil said.
Lex looked excessively pleased with himself. Lionel pinched his ear and dragged him away from his new toyboy. "For God's sake, Lex, are those boot prints on your shirt?"
"I'm confining you to a monastery."
"I'll seduce the monks," Lex said.
"Don't make me take drastic measures." Lionel dragged Lex out the door by his ear. Lex blew theatrical kisses to the other boy, who caught them in a sickening display of sentimentality. "I should never have sent you to that English boarding school," Lionel growled.
"Drastic measures? Don't tell me you're going to spank me." Lex pulled away from his father and lounged against the wall.
"No, but I do have that plant in Smallville..."
"It needs a firm hand and a lot of work." Lionel beamed as Lex's face fell. "Six hours a day on the books alone. They're in terrible shape."
"I think you're just the man for the job." Lionel rubbed his hands together and practiced his cackle. He'd been working on it all weekend.
"Smallville..." Lex pinched the bridge of his nose. "You need a little more bass in that cackle."
"Ah. Thank you, son." Lionel tried it again. "You know, I was thinking of buying a cat..."
"Oh, GOD." Lex buried his face in his hands and slid down the wall to the floor.
The evil end.
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