For You

by CandyAppleBlack

SongFic. 'For You' by Staind is used throughout this fic.

Disclaimer: This is my first Smallville Fic ever so please be kind. I did my research so as not to look like a fool. I hop you all enjoy it, I worked really hard. I own nothing so there's no need to sue.

Category: Established relationship, angst, hurt, Lex POV Rating: R (some language)
Paring: Clex
SongFic: `For You'- Staind
Feedback: PLEASE! It would be really appreciated:P

For You

I'm sitting here, alone in the `Fortress Of Solitude', wiping profusely and my eyes. Feeling as thought the tears that are rolling down my face will never stop. And all I have right now is my perpetual loneliness and my numbing thoughts...

I went to Metropolis today. To tell him. To tell him everything. and why wouldn't I? Well, there are lots of reasons actually but I told him none the less. When I went into his office he was sitting there, at his desk, working. Working, that's seems to be all we Luthor's ever do. No time to do anything unless it's business. Which was why I highly anticipated the verbal bludgeoning I received from my father. I get it allot, for just about anything really. In truth, I expect it. My father and I, the only relationship we have, is a business relationship. It's no big ache in my heart, after all I AM trying to overtake his business. So argument and war, is always in expectance. Especially when you make a trip to see Lionel Luthor and it has nothing to do with business. Which is exactly what I did. But what I didn't expect was THIS.

// To my mother // to my father // it's your son or // it's your daughter//

I could see the look of, humiliation in his eyes. He said to me that, " if this is a quick dabble in some bizarre all means have your quick romp. But for the love of god, don't tell me that this is some serious thing...Lex, go find your self a nice girl...Christ I will BUY you a nice girl!". I couldn't believe it, I couldn't believe him. As soon a I opened my mouth, the volume of our argument rose to a new level. I started shouting, and a few objects took flight. I told him I didn't want a `nice girl', I wanted who I fell in love with. And then it happened...

// are my screams // loud enough for // you to hear me // should I turn this up for you?//

He said it. He opened his mouth and said it. Over the years he has called me and said many things and I've always been able to take it. But THIS. I had never in my life wanted to run into the shelter of arms of the one I loved more that did at that moment. The thing's he said to me...

"I did not raise my son to be a dirty little faggot! You are an embarrassment to your name and this company. You disgust me..."

I have never been hurt by anything he's ever said to me, but this, those words, felt like shards of glass piercing through my heart. After his vicious speil, he coldly commanded me to get out. So I left, without a word `cause I new that if I were open my mouth I would have broken down right in front of him. I wasn't prepared to give him more verbal ammo, so I left with out a word.

And so I needed up here, in the loft of the Kent's barn, the `Fortress Of Solitude', my fathers words running through my head...killing me.

/// I sit here locked inside my head // remembering everything you said // the silence gets us nowhere // gets us nowhere // way too fast ///

I sit in silence now. And I hate it. For the first time in my life I desperately want to talk to my father. I want to make him understand. I slam my fist on the floor and let out a cry. This is so unlike me. Wounded by my father's words, overcome by painful emotions. But most of all, I want to be with the one who makes me happy, the one who saved me, the one who I gave my heart to, the one who I tried to tell my father I loved.

//The silence // is what kills me // I need someone // here to help me//

But my father wouldn't listen. He refused to hear it. Cruelly dismissing the thought of his son falling in love with another man. A `quick romp; as he had eloquently put it was acceptable, the whole falling in love thing was out of the question. It makes me sick. My mother would have understood, and dammit she would have be so happy just with the knowledge that her son was happy. Pamela would have happy too. But my father, no, that heartless `magnificent bastard' showed his blatant intolerance. He's made my decisions for me all my life, school, career and now he wants to decide who I can love?

// But you don't know // how to listen //and let me make //my decisions//

It's always been that way though. My father, never really truly satisfied with any thing I do or achieve. `Never quite good enough, could've done so much better', were his usual responses. But this, this was different. This was my first bit if true happiness since...I can't even remember the last time I was truly happy. And then my father had to go and say those things. He made me feel inhuman, like I was no longer worthy of the good name of Luthor.

// all your insults // and your curses // make me feel like // I'm not a person //

All my felt like I was something. Because I was something. I am something. I'm Lex Luthor, the youngest billionaire in Smallville. And the most powerful. But after those words left my father's mouth, everything that gave me power died. It died. In all my years, I have never felt the feeling of being less than great. I feel like nothing. I sit in disgust. My own father, treating me like eyes fill with more tears at the thought of what my father now thinks of me. Although it never mattered before. Before I couldn't care less about what he thought, in fact my thoughts of him were just as bad. But before, I wasn't in love. Most people can go to their parents for anything. The only thing I could go to my father for would probably be a loan, and I really have no need for that. I was kidding myself when I though for a moment that my father would understand. At best I though he wouldn't care at all, but I never fathomed that what happened would happen.

I wipe my eyes and look around the Kent's loft. So much love in this family. The only time my father shoes the slightest bit of affection is when it's for the camera, to make him self look good. He's my father, he should give a damn, and at one point he did. I think he truly stopped when my hair fell out. Before that he care a little I suppose, it was more then he does now any way. Again my fist hits the floor, as another stream of tears are violently pushed from my eyes, a sobbing sound pushing itself from my throat.

// And I feel like // I am nothing // but you made me // so do something //

Why did I think that I could tell my father..well anything. And the sad thing is, I'm so much like him. Allot like him. And that, in all honesty, scares me. I know I shouldn't be afraid, after all, we Luthor's don't have that luxury. But I am. Not afraid that I'll end up like him, but that I'll become him. Become all the things I hate. Maybe that's why I ended up at the Kent's. The home of the perfect family, who shows a love and an affection towards one another that I long to have with my father And this is also the home of the beautiful young farm boy that has me completely smitten. Yes, I fell in love with Clark Kent and he fell in love with me. The whole thing still has me a little baffled, but sweetly. I haven't felt love in ages and now I'm feeling it in abundance. But then again, everything with Clark is in abundance. God I love him and would give anything to be in his arms right now.

But as much I need Clark right now, and I desperately need him, what I want is...I find myself picking off non-existant lint from the knee of my pants to keep myself from another emotional break. But I really want..need is my father to give me some sort of sign that he cares. I know I'm loosing it, wishing and hoping for things that even God can't grant. Lionel Luthor stopped truly caring along time ago. The loss of my brother, a son he could truly love, and my mother, leaving him with a son who is the epitome of imperfection was enough to cause a painful distance between me and my father. My entire life has been superficial and empty. And I blame my father wholly.

// `Cause I'm fucked up // because you are // need attention // attention you couldn't give //

I look at my watch and it dawns on me the number of hours I've been up in Clark's loft wallowing in my self pity. And I don't care. I continue to let myself show the greatest weakness, I cry. I don't even want to leave, I just want to sit up here forever so I don't have to go back to that big empty castle, where my father's words will haunt me through the night. So I stay, and sit, sobbing quietly, to no one.

/// I sit here locked inside my head // remembering everything you said // the silence gets us nowhere // gets us nowhere // way too fast ///


End Note: I realize that you all are prolly thinking `Lex doesn't cry!', well I think he'd really like to and I've seen the way he looks at the Kent's family when they're hugging Clark. Think the last scene in `Jitters'. Anyway I hope you liked it and please review....please!

If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to CandyAppleBlack

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