Title: Stuck In The Plot Of A Bad Porno
Disclaimer: I own nothing, please don't sue. A/N: This is my first attempt at crackFic and my first Clark - first person POV. I'm a little nervous about it because of that. Spoilers: Season 6 Summary: Clark, Chloe, Lex share a bed at the nookie motel.
Slowly the door opened to reveal the skankiest motel room ever.
"So this is what a nookie motel looks like?" I could feel Chloe behind me, peering over my shoulder to look into the room.
Actually it didn't look that bad. Ok, so the bedspread had some questionable stains on it that made me thankful I didn't have UV vision and the room smelled heavy of stale air and old cigarette smoke, but it was warm and dry inside.
I had seen worst in Vegas that time with Alicia. That room had rented by the hour and had a vibrating heart shaped bed.
"Well, isn't this just fucking great!"
Lex pushed past both me and Chloe into the room, still ranting, as he had been doing ever since we had saved his life from a hired killer an hour before.
He never had said thank you.
"I'm just sick of this," he went on waving his hands in the air.
So was I, as Chloe liked to say, "Lex's has been kidnapped, shot or gone crazy again? Must be Thursday."
Though I did feel sorry for him a little though.
"And from Lana of all people."
"Lex," Chloe had been trying to calm him down for the past half hour. "You can't be that surprised."
"What, that my wife tried to kill me? Again!?"
"I'm sure why ever she did it, Lana had her reasons."
Chloe was ever the loyal friend, even when one of them turned to hired guns as a form of marriage counseling.
"You ever think that maybe this isn't about your wife trying to kill you so much as what you keep doing to make your wives want to kill you." I asked him,
Lex gave me the finger. I wanted to give him one back... on his head, but Chloe from wouldn't let me.
Unfortunately, this time the inept criminals hadn't succeeded in knocking Lex out before my rescue attempt, so I couldn't run us all back to the warmth and semi-safety of Metropolis after beating down the bad guy.
And not even after her car had been swept off the road by a flash flood and we had (ok, they had) barely escaped with their lives and Chloe's purse, which she refused to leave and I had to go back for. What was it with girl's and their bags? It might be Kate Spade, but it was now a wet Kate Spade.
"You can't chance it," she had told me, "Lex is already curious. Better to stick near by and play it 'human' for a while."
Chloe always has my back. Love that girl sometimes.
In a completely platonic and un-sexual way, of course. At least that's what I kept telling myself as I checked her over with my x-ray vision to make sure she wasn't injured internally anywhere. 3 times in an hour is not too often when someone's health is at risk and hey, is it my fault that Thursdays just happen to be Chloe's black lace undies day.
I could set my watch around Chloe's underwear and Lex's kidnappings.
"Fuck! The phone is dead." Lex slammed the phone down, bringing me back to the situation at hand.
Ok, I'm stranded in a nookie motel with my best friend, my former best friend and a wet Kate Spade purse. All phones are either dead or filled with water. Chloe's Yaris is at the bottom of a river. I can't run for help and my underwear are wet and beginning to chafe.
What the hell is a 'Kate Spade' purse anyway?
The lights flickered and then died.
"There goes the power." Chloe chimed in, her usual optimism gone.
"Well thanks for the newsflash, Brenda Starr."
Looking around the room, I realized there was only one bed. "Uh, guys?"
"You don't have to be rude, Lex." Chloe glared at him. "You know you're really making me rethink this whole 'helping saving your life' thing."
"Help saving me? Chloe, Clark did all the hard work, all you did was play around on your computer."
One bed. Three people.
"Clark, wouldn't have even found you if it hadn't been for me and my playing around."
One divided by three...
"Oh wait, I forgot, you did more than 'play' on your computer. You also ran us into a raging river of death."
Three divided by one...
"There was a deer, Lex. A baby deer.
"Bambi had a fucking death wish being out of the ark in a storm like this"
This was not going to end well and I really didn't feel like saving Lex again.
"You know, next time one of your wives decides to turn you into worm food, I'm not stopping them. In fact I'll bring the shovel!"
I caught Chloe just before she leapt at Lex. What she lacks in strength, she makes up for determination. Or so Pete told me once after a particularly nasty tickle fight.
"There's only one bed." I blurted out.
The three of us turned to look at the bed in unison.
"Of course." Lex started ranting again, arms waving with the crazy. "Of course."
I dropped Chloe on the other side of me, the side not close to Lex.
"Nothing ever goes right. Mom kills my brother. Dad is a magnificent bastard. Every woman I love either leaves me or tries to kill me. And now I'm stuck in a 'nookie' motel with an overgrown boy scout, a rabid she-squirrel and my Armani suit smells like fish. Story of my life. Story of my FUCKING LIFE!"
I don't recall Lex cursing this much back when we had hung out. Maybe Lana had been a bad influence on him? I caught Chloe again as she leapt at him for the "she-squirrel" comment and threw her over my shoulder.
"You planned this didn't you?"
Lex poked me in the chest and I was tempted to poke him back. Back through the wall.
"What are you talking about Lex?"
Chloe kept pummeling her fists against my back, even though she knew it wouldn't hurt me and yelling for me to let her at him. I was severely tempted to give her a smack on the ass and tell her to knock it off.
"You planned all this just to get me in bed."
I could barely think over the sound of Chloe laughing. I gave into my temptation and smacked her ass a good one to shut her up.
"Lex, are you suffering from low blood sugar or is this just your usual general dementia?"
He gave me that evil one eye brow of his.
"Think about it. Every other time you've saved my life, after the 'saving' part, we've been able to go our separate ways. I've gotten to have a nice vacation in the luxury hospital of my choice and mend with my thoughtful yet psychotic father looking over me, critiquing my every move and telling me how yet again I brought this on myself and disappointed him and you..." Lex was looking me up and down like he was the one with x-ray vision "...you go milk a cow and eat some pie."
"I do not."
"Chloe," Lex called over my shoulder. "What kind of pie did Clark have after the car bombing last week?"
"Peach, and I don't think it was pie. I think he said it was more like a cobbler or something."
I smacked her again.
"I eat a lot of baked goods."
"I think he also mentioned something about ice cream too." Chloe cried back.
I could feel the blush covering my face.
"We are all creatures of habit, Clark. Nothing wrong with it, I'm just wondering, why break the habit now."
Lex was right up in my face. He smelled expensive and I suddenly wondered if he would taste that way.
Whoa, awkward and gay factor of 8. Where did that come from?
"Clark, let me down. All the blood is rushing to my head and I'm getting dizzy."
I put down her and placed some distance between Lex and myself.
"I didn't plan this Lex, sometimes things just happen."
Chloe stumbled against me and I held her up. Her face was all red and flushed from being upside down for so long.
"You realize Lex, you just accused Clark of all people of being capable of a nefarious plan involving weather control, power over telephone and electrical lines, many complex physics equations and on top of all that, remembering to make hotel reservations."
"Hey!" I suddenly got the impression I had just been insulted. How do they know I wasn't capable of being 'nefarious'?
Lex laughed and seemed to relax for the first time that day.
"You on the other hand, " Chloe pointed at Lex. "I could totally see pulling off a scheme like this. Luthorcorp working on any weather controlling projects lately Lex?"
Lex quickly sobered.
He hadn't... naw.
"You know what, it was a stupid idea in the first place. Clark was right. I'm suffering from low blood sugar. It makes me say crazy things."
"Sure, Lex." I told him, trying to give him some dignity even though he had thought nothing of tearing down mine a few moments before.
"Besides," Lex said. "Chloe with her master hacking skills, could have had a hand in this, just as well."
"Lex, this place hasn't even updated to carbon paper copies yet, but nice straw you tried to grasp there buddy boy."
Chloe went over to the bed and sat on it. Moving back, she bounced in the middle of it as if testing its resilience.
"Besides why would I want to trap myself and the two of you in a room with one bed?"
If it hadn't been for the innocent look on her face, I think I might have died. I coughed to cover myself and Lex took to whistling.
"Pervs." She rolled her eyes back so far, I half expected them to fall out her head. "It's like we're stuck in the plot of a bad porno."
My coughing became worse and I was afraid for a moment I might blow down the wall.
"Chloe, what do you know about porn?" I was half afraid to hear the answer.
"Better yet, when have you ever found one with a good plot? Because me and Lana have been looking all over and we haven't found any."
It had been bad enough having the visual in my head of Chloe watching porn, clad only in her black lacy Thursday undies, it was even worse having the visual of Lex and Lana, perusing the aisle of the adult video store in their matching trench-coats and Ray-Bans debating the merits of Backdoor Sluts 9 versus Sex Toy Story.
"Boys" I could hear her muttering under her breath "My video viewing habits are not the issue here. The issue is that we are all stuck here together by some sort of screwed up karmic fate for the night. Or possibly the next 40 days depending on when the rain stops and the power comes back on. I don't know about the two of you, but I'm cold, wet and smell like river rat. I'm going to pray this place at least has hot water and take a shower. Why don't the two of you go be men and hunt down some food?"
Lex and I, 'hunted' for food in silence.
We did find a couple of vending machines but they only took exact change. Lex being a billionaire, only had on him hundreds and gold cards. I had enough for a few bags of peanuts that looked to fresher than the green snack cakes they were sitting next too. The soda machine also, only took exact change, but a well placed smack when Lex wasn't looking got us a few Cokes out of it.
Maybe Chloe had some change in her "I can't leave it, it's Kate Spade" purse back in the room. I felt bad drinking stolen coke.
Chloe was on the bed when we came back rifling through her bag. She was apparently much quicker than most of her species at grooming.
And wearing only a towel.
"The good news is the water is hot. The bad news is the bathroom is..." She screwed up her face, shuddered in revolution and made a noise of general disgust that me and Pete had labeled "Chloe No Likey", back in 10th grade.
"Oh." I was trying to make it seem like I was listening to her and not staring at her out of her suit and her black lacy things and wearing only a towel.
I will not look under the towel. I will not look under the towel.
"I'm next." Lex pushed past me took the bathroom next.
Long gone were the days when I was offered automobiles for saving his life. Now I barely got a thanks or even sloppy seconds at a gross bathroom.
I laid our dinner out on the bed while Chloe rummaged for more change. So far she'd only managed to find lots of wet receipts, a waterlogged voice recorder, some cough drops and about 20 little bottles of Jack Daniels.
"Chloe! What in the world are you doing with all those?"
"What? It's for snake bites?"
"Has Metropolis suddenly been hit by a snake epidemic?"
"You know Clark, it pays to be prepared." She pulled a long strip of condoms out of her purse and quickly shoved them back in, blushing a bright red. "I appear to be changeless. Sorry."
I was attempting to open one of the bags of peanuts when I heard Lex in the bathroom. I didn't need to x-ray the walls to know what he was doing.
Lex was masturbating.
I ripped open the bag and peanuts exploded all over the room.
"All over the floor." Chloe answered and grabbed the second bag, opening it gently and easily.
Sometimes I hated being a Kryptonian.
Lex came out of the bathroom with a smile on his face, not at all acting like he had been in there polishing the rocket like a horny 12 year old just discovering his penis felt good when you pulled it.
And he too was now wearing only a towel.
I will not look under the towel. I will not look under the towel.
"I tried to save you some hot water." He said it in such a way that I knew he in fact hadn't.
Oh well. A cold shower would probably do me good.
Chloe had left her undergarments hanging off the shower rod. Bra, stockings and panties all dangling and waving hello at me.
Lex had left his clothes in a pile in the corner except for his neatly folded briefs laying on top mocking me with there very presence.
I will not polish the rocket like a horny 12 year old. I will not polish the rocket like a horny 12 year old.
Oh screw it. It's not like they're the ones with super hearing, anyway.
I went back into the room hoping no one noticed I had taken a 30 minute shower or the slightly burnt smell of cotton.
Lex graciously left me with one towel, a hand towel. Not really looking forward to parading around in just that for the rest of the evening, I heat visioned my boxers dry. Thank goodness I was wearing my black ones today. It would be hard to explain the scorch marks.
Chloe and Lex were sitting on the bed, far too close for my liking, an empty bag of peanuts and many tiny bottles of Jack Daniels littered around them.
Chloe is doing her drunk girl giggle.
"Lex! Are you trying to get her drunk?"
Chloe pouted as I grabbed her drink from her hand. The can smelled more of whiskey than coke.
"Chloe's a big girl, Clark. She can make her own decisions."
"Yeah." Chloe grabbed the can back from me and stuck out her tongue at me. "I'm a big girl.
"We were just having a pleasant conversation."
The idea of my best friend and my (on most days) enemy talking made me nervous. Drunk giggly Chloe also tends to be drunk over-sharing Chloe.
"Really?" I asked, almost afraid of the answer.
"Did you really punch out Chloe's boyfriend?"
"You should have seen it." Chloe started laughing so much she snorted. "The look on Clark's face when he broke down my door, was priceless."
"I thought he was hurting you, Chloe."
"Clark! I was trying to get him to hurt me!"
And hello, over-share Chloe has arrived.
She turned to Lex as if looking for comfort. "You have no clue how many months I had to work him up to that level of 'kinky'. One punch from Clark, and poof, all down the drain."
Lex was laughing hysterically. "Did Clark hurt James much?"
"I didn't mean to." I cut in quickly.
I really hadn't. I might not have liked Jimmy a whole lot. The whole C.K. thing and his constant hanging about Chloe like she was a light-bulb and he was a moth had bugged the crap outta me, but I still felt bad for the guy.
"He broke his nose." Chloe informed Lex and I groaned, holding my head between my hands. "And gave him a black eye"
I suddenly missed the 'fighting' Lex and Chloe of earlier in the day. I can take verbal judo and death threats flying through the air much better than being talked about by a giggly drunk and a smirky drunk.
After three games of Rock, Paper, Scissors and a thrown arm wresting match, it was decided that the three of us would share the bed.
"It's plenty big enough and I'll be the living pillow wall between you two strapping heterosexual males." Chloe had decided. She had also decided the bedspread was probably more toxic than Cherynobl, so the three of us were attempting to share a sheet, though it seemed Lex was stealing most of.
Chloe had fallen asleep soon after, but not before sharing more tales and damaging my delicate male ego just a tad more.
"She was a paid-for professional and you turned her down. Are you gay Clark, or just crazy?"
Lex sounded just like Chloe had. I had been surprised by Chloe's reaction to my 'gift' from Graham for saving his life (now there was a guy who knew how to reward, even if he had been sociopathic about it). She had actually been for me letting loose a little sexual steam.
"You sound like Chloe."
"Well she's a smart girl, you should listen to her. Man can not live by his right hand alone, Clark. If you couldn't lowered your high Kent morals for a quick and fast fuck, you should have at least gotten a good blow job out of it."
Lex sighed and took a drink, looking like a giant drinking straight from his little bottle, the coke long gone. "I miss those. Why didn't you ever warn me that Lana was so bad at giving head?"
"If you will remember, I don't believe we were talking much at that time." Actually we haven't talked in years other than to pass barbs during brief meetings between rescues and me confronting Lex on his rapidly dwindling ethics.
"Plus, you deserved to find that one out on your own."
Lex was for a moment before he spoke again.
"I miss this. Us, hanging out. Talking, Shooting pool and the shit. A couple of guys...doing guy like things.
I didn't want to tell him, but I had missed this too.
"We used to be friends, Clark. All of us, you, me, Chloe, Lana, even Pete. Where did it all go wrong?"
Lex was talking the talk of the drunk nostalgic man. The man who wanted to go back and change it all. But too much time had passed and too much had happened.
Our eyes met over Chloe, and I could see the sincerity in his.
I didn't want to tell him that Pete, would have preferred I had left him at the bottom of Loeb bridge, so I kept my mouth shut and took another drink from my own tiny bottle of snake bite remedy.
I can't get drunk, but as I hadn't eaten since breakfast, the whiskey felt warm in my tummy.
"I'm sorry things didn't work out between you and Lana." I told him and I meant it. Though I didn't want Lana with Lex, I couldn't deny that they had made more sense sometimes than me and Lana ever had. At least Lex had been willing to be honest with her.
My curiosity finally getting the better me, I asked him the question I had wanted to know all day?
"What happened between you two? Why did Lana try and have you killed?
I knew I wasn't going to get a straight answer from sober Lex, but I had hoped drunk Lex wouldn't have the same defense mechanisms.
"People change, Clark. People change."
I was wrong, even drunk Lex was still a guarded Lex.
Chloe moved between us, diverting our attention from the stare-down we were about to commence. I watched the towel, knotted between her breast pull at her movements. By morning she would have it untied and I would be in a bed lying next to naked Chloe.
I will not look under the towel. I will not look under the towel.
"Speaking of change," Lex grabbed at a chance to change the subject "Tell me, when did Chloe get so fucking hot?"
"Excuse me?" I laughed uncomfortably, as if he had read my thoughts.
"You seriously can not tell me that you haven't noticed that our intrepid reporter has turned into one smoking hot piece of ass?
"I don't think about Chloe that way."
I didn't think about Chloe that way. I only thought about her underwear and what was under her underwear that way.
"Suure Clark." He said, pulling an extra syllable out of the word. "And do you normally take 30 minute long cold showers?"
He had me there.
Lex continued, "One day she's all spitfire and giggles, following you around like a little lost puppy..."
"Chloe never followed me around like a puppy." I interrupted him.
"And the next she's this hellcat, with all this fire and passion and curves" Lex picked at the edge of towel, pulling it away from her body. "Lots and lots of curves."
What was it with Lex and comparing Chloe to animals? Maybe that's why Lana's mad at him. Called her a raccoon or something?
I knew I should probably stop Lex. Chloe deserved better than to be stripped naked by a drunk billionaire and a horny alien, but I had lost the use of most of my motor skills and all vocabulary at the sight of one perfectly tipped breast.
Chloe's boob was staring at me.
I will not get into a staring match with my best friends boob. I will not get into a ...
"I bet Chloe would give good head." Lex muttered.
I nodded, not really paying any attention to him, I was busy getting into a staring match with my best friends boob.
She made a noise in her sleep and shifted between us again. Wriggling the towel and sheet off her body more and muttering something in her sleep. I looked over at Lex to find him with his hand between Chloe's legs.
"Get your hand out of Chloe!"
Those were words I never thought I would have to say to anyone, especially Lex Luthor.
"My hands were cold." He gave me as a lame excuse.
Chloe moved again, making more little noises, her legs shifting open and her back arching off the bed some. She was getting turned on. I could hear it in her heartbeat.
Lex took advantage of my preoccupation and dove under the sheet.
"I always knew she was a bottle blonde." I could hear him say.
I've seen lots of weird things living the last 17 years in Smallville, but watching my former best friend go down on my current best friend through x-ray vision of a sheet, probably took the cake as the dirtiest thing I had ever seen.
And I lived on a farm.
She made another little noise and sighed in her sleep. How Chloe was able to sleep through this was a testament to how dedicated a sleeper she was.
And that damn boob was still staring at me.
I wasn't sure what made me do it. Was it the alcohol in my empty stomach, the stress of another typical Thursday in small town Kansas, the sight of Lex's bald head under the sheet between the Chloe's legs, or was it her soft little sleepy sexy sighs and purrs.
Whatever it was, I told my inner voice to can it, and fell face first into 'Porno-Land'.
Chloe came awake with a jolt, pulling hard on the hair on my head in such a way that either meant, "more, more" or "get my nipple out of your mouth". I liked to think it was the later one, as soon she was crying out my name as she came.
I could hear Lex muttering under the sheet something about "Always say his name when I make them come."
Eventually Chloe did say Lex's name.
Come to think of it, everyone said each other's name at least twice, in the hours that came between morning and the condoms running out.
I discovered a lot of things about myself and Lex and Chloe, during our night in the nookie motel.
I am perfectly capable of controlling my powers in all new and unusual situations.
Lex does taste expensive.
Chloe gives blow jobs like a Dyson (doesn't loose suction).
In a pinch, baked apple hand lotion from Bath & Body Works can be used as a lubricant. Though beware when making mention that your dick smells like pie, you will be mocked.
Also, I'm apparently a tiny bit gay, when it comes to Lex and I'm totally sexually and un-platonically in love with Chloe and will hurt her anytime she wants.
And I have seen the error of my ways regarding Kate Spade purses.
I love them. They fucking rock. I'm thinking of getting my mom one for Christmas.
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