The Quest For The Perfect Pink

by ToadstoolSmiles

This is a prequel to 'The Housewarming' at

As always, don't own. Feedback is good (although I am well aware that this is particulaly silly)

Lana liked sitting at the graveyard. Liked the way it added a sense of mystery to her one dimensional character, liked the way it made her appear deep and thoughtful but mostly she liked the way the cold wind bit at her and made her cheeks the most delicate shade of pink. She brought a camera with her once and took a photograph, so she could show the lady at the make-up counter just the shade of blush she wanted. But they didn't make it and she searched and searched, but couldn't find anyone anywhere that had that soft pink tint. This is what brought her to this point, sitting in the graveyard, speaking to her dead parents and wondering just how she could find that shade.

She wished her mother hadn't abandoned her before teaching her about all the important things in life, make-up and how to entrap rich men. She told her as much as she stared angrily at the grave (flicking out her pocket mirror, just to check that her ire hadn't caused her preternaturally beautiful face to distort). The trouble was she only really knew one rich man, Lex Luthor, and she was quite sure he wasn't interested.

Still, she decided, no harm in trying. So she set off on the next bus to Metropolis.

When she arrived at the Luthor penthouse however she was surprised to learn that Lex wasn't available, and that he was in the gym, working out his tension with Master Clark. If Lana had known what a euphemism was, she surely wouldn't have proceeded to go downstairs to talk to him, however she didn't and so she did.

Lana was surprised to learn that Clark and Lex liked to wrestle but this was quickly forgotten when, after Lex had rather speedily dashed out of the room, Clark stood and addressed her.

"That's a pretty dress, Lana," he said.

"Thank you. It's pink."

"It's a nice cardigan as well."

"It belonged to my mother before she abandoned me. I like it. It's pink."

Lex re-entered the room wearing a robe and holding one out for Clark, who had apparently forgotten he was wearing no clothes. Lex looked somewhat horrified, but Lana couldn't quite work out why. It was at this point that Lana realised she didn't have an actual plan and that Lex was probably just going to say no, though again, no harm in trying.

"Lex, I have something to ask you."

He smiled

"Will you marry me?"

Twenty minutes later, when Lex had finished laughing and Clark's expression had shifted from confused to slightly less confused, she decided that the answer was probably no. But it was best just to check.


Then Lex started laughing again and she stomped her pretty little boots out of there and decided that for the rest of her days she would do everything in her power to annoy him. This is what led to the decision to marry Lionel.

Now Lana didn't really know much about the older Luthor, but in her mind the things she did know were the only things that were pertinent. He was rich and very, very powerful making her quest for the perfect blush easy and marrying him would be a wonderful way to annoy Lex. So with that completely decided, she set about formulating a plan.


It was unfortunate for Lionel that Lana's plan, although obscenely simple, was a good one.

She walked into his offices and asked to see him, when the guard told her that Mr. Luthor did not allow guests she started crying. Sat down at the chair in the waiting area and blinked at him through brimming eyes and of course the guard relented and let her through, even though he knew it was going to cost him his job. But damnit, he just couldn't stand to see such a pretty girl crying.

Lana smirked as the guard let her though, touching up her makeup as she went.

When she open the doors for the first time in her life she felt a little afraid. Lionel Luthor was sat behind the desk growling at her.

"Lang, Lang, Lang. Ah Miss Lang, Nell Potter's niece," although he hadn't moved from his chair he still managed to tower over her and Lana began to rethink the wisdom of this plan.

"Ah, Mr. Luthor. You're son was mean to me," she whispered quietly overawed by the sheer presence of the man. "I asked him to marry me and he said no. I think he was too busy playing naked wrestling with Clark. I know we were never together, but it still feels like he abandoned me."

Lionel's eyes twinkled as he pressed the intercom.

"Dominic, get my son on the line. Now." He gestured for her to have a seat on the opulent couch and then stood and joined her.

"Dad," a voice said out of nowhere and Lana was suddenly very scared because she couldn't see Lex but she could here his voice. And Lionel was actually responding to it, she wondered which of the three of them was the crazy one.

"Lex, my son. Miss Lang tells me you've been," a pause, "naked wresting with that Kent boy."

"Did she also tell you she asked to marry me?"

"Why yes son she did and I simply can't imagine how you could have turned down such an exquisite creature."

Lana beamed. Exquisite would have normally been too big a word for her to understand, but fortunately it was today's `Word Of The Day' on her calendar.

"I hope you'll be very happy together then." Then there was a click and the Voice Of Lex that had echoed around the room was gone.

Lana, who was still looking around for the source of the sound, tilted her head and smiled.

"Are we going to get married, Mr. Luthor?" she asked quietly.

Lionel smiled.

"It seems like that would be a mutually beneficially arrangement, after what you have told me it seems I will need a different heir to carry on the Luthor line, and you of course will have the world at your feet."

Lana didn't really follow anything except the `world at your feet' part. So she nodded her head like one of those annoying dogs and smiled.


Lana quickly moved into the mansion and announced her engagement to her friends and family back in Smallville who were surprised but pleased.

The whole arrangement in fact had been going rather well until that fateful night when Lionel thought it would be a good idea to consummate their relationship. Even though he had accounted for the fact that Lana was like a delicate little flower and was painfully naive, it had simply not occurred to him that Lana didn't even know what sex was.

When Lionel entered her room that night she looked up at him and smiled.

"Have you come to tuck me in?" She asked hugging her teddy tight to her chest.

Lionel grinned and climbed into the bed. It was at this point that Lana realised that something was very wrong and she was going to have to do something. Unfortunately for Lionel, her `something' was to beat him about the head with the stuffed toy. Even more unfortunately, it was one of those singing toys with a battery pack inside, which kept on bashing against Lionel's skull.

When Lana realised that Lionel was unconscious she quickly came up with a new plan. She ran into his bedroom to find a tie with which to restrain him and pulled out the bedside drawer, which, in her mind, would be where you kept such things.

Lana couldn't believe her luck when she saw that the drawer was in fact populated by handcuffs, strange clampy things and tubes of goo. Grabbing the cuffs she quickly set about tying Lionel to the bed. Then, with her work done, moved all her clothes into a different room and went to sleep.

Lana soon learnt that having the Luthor wealth at her disposal meant that nothing was denied her. Large donations meant that she was married to a man who was in a coma, convinced the justice of the peace to change his name to Lang and none of the staff ever questioned why the room on the third floor was locked and Lionel hadn't been seen for over a month.

People occasionally called and asked after him, and when she responded that he was `a-bed' (a delightful phrase she had learnt after watching re-runs of Pride and Prejudice) they went away. Almost as if they didn't care.

She laughed as her plan to make Lex's life miserable began. Running Luthorcorp was so troublesome, it was bound to cause him great pain so she gave it to him.

Sometimes she thought that she was simply too clever.

She, of course, used all her power and influence to get the perfect pink. Furthermore, she extended the use of said colour not just to her make-up, but her whole house.

Looking around to see what she had achieved in her quest for the perfect pink she was pleased and so she decided to share it with the world. By throwing a housewarming.

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