Title: Of Dead Phones
Rated: R, language
Notes: future fic, but no spoilers.
[ of dead phones ]
"Oh holy fucking hell," Clark said, hiding his head in his hands and groaning, loudly, into them.
Lex hid a smirk but couldn't stifle the slight breath of a laugh that came out. "No, no. I'm not laughing at you, Mr. Gunderson. What may I do for you?"
"What may I do for you," Clark groused, looking up to deliver a very convincing version of Lex's own most withering glare. "Cause there's nothing else I'd rather be doing right now than talking to you, Mr. Gunderson. Forget that I had plans. Forget that I was, ya know, doing something already."
Lex rolled his eyes and turned his chair away from Clark, knowing full well that Clark's mouth had dropped open in rage at the gesture. He grinned so widely at the thought that his cheeks ached. "No, this is a perfectly acceptable time to call me. This is in reference to the anomaly on Thursday's entry, is it not?"
"He turned away from me. He turned the chair away from me," Clark said, and if Lex didn't know any better, he would have sworn he was talking to someone. "I can't believe... You fucking asshole."
Lex closed his eyes and held his breath. It was very, very hard, impossible nearly, to stifle the roar of laughter he felt building in his chest. "Sure, sure, I understand. I'm sure it was just an oversight, but surely you can understand that oversights such as this aren't something I can afford to let happen."
"Three phone calls, and he takes every single one of them. Like he's so important. Like the world just can not continue in it's rotation if he ignores one fucking phone call!"
Lex would feel bad if he didn't enjoy petulant Clark so damn much. "Now I didn't say you were fired, Mr. Gunderson. On the other hand, I haven't said you weren't, either."
Lex actually did snicker at that one, but luckily his hand was quick enough to cover the receiver before having done so. "Let me go ahead and reassure you, I am not going to fire you." He paused what he thought was an appropriate amount of time for the man to breathe out in relief. "Yet."
"Asshole. Let's dangle the carrot in front of the horse's mouth, see how far he'll walk, and then we'll yank it out of his line of sight. I tell you what, Lex, you'll never be my boss. Wouldn't work for you if you paid me. Though. If I worked for you, you'd kind of have to pay me, so. Moot point. Still though. Not gonna happen."
"I understand how sorry you are, but sorry doesn't give me the money I lost over this now does it?" Lex rapped his fingers against the side of his chair. "Just make sure nothing like this happens again."
"You lost money? I didn't know you lost money. Huh. I bet it was only, like, five dollars. It was, wasn't it? You're just trying to make him feel bad aren't you? God. You're mean, Lex. That's cold, even for you."
Lex bit his lip in order to stop himself from yelling for Clark to bite him. "Alright, that's fine, Mr. Gunderson. I expect you'll be in the office late tonight rectifying the situation?"
"Oh, so you're not just going to ruin our night. You're gonna ruin his, huh? You're so mean. I don't even know why I come over here anymore. I don't even like you. Nope. Not even a little. In fact, I kind of hate you. You're... mean, and... vindictive, and... catty. That's right, I said catty! And I'm aware that's a term used to describe women, Lex. This isn't one of those times where I'm using the wrong word. I'm calling you catty, because sometimes? And I mean this in the most negative way possible-- you are kind of a woman."
Lex didn't even know what to do. Slam the phone down and throttle Clark for that one, or continue to ignore him and try his damndest to not break out in giggles. "Good. I hope to see positive results by the time I arrive in the office in the morning."
"Morning. My ass. More like afternoon. After you've had your... manicure and mud bath or whatever."
If it weren't true, Lex might have been pissed at that. "Thank you. Have a nice night."
"Have a nice night. You know, when you're polite like that? When you're polite and you just, so clearly, don't mean it? It's really infuriating."
Lex hung the phone up and stood, finally facing Clark, his face impassive. "You'd prefer I be rude?"
Clark looked up at him and glowered. "Yes."
"Ah," Lex said, slowly walking around the desk and making his way to where Clark sat on the couch, his jeans unzipped, his shirt rucked up to expose inches of gorgeously tanned skin. "Perhaps I should have called him a woman. That's pretty rude."
"You are," Clark yelled, frowning at him as he sat back down next to him. "Sometimes. When you're being catty."
Lex reached out and drifted his fingers softly over Clark's cheek, grinning as Clark leaned into the touch. Clark never could stay mad at him. He loved that. "You seem perturbed, Clark. Is it something I've done?"
"You can't just... stop, Lex," Clark said, gritting his teeth as Lex leaned forward to lick a stripe up his neck. "You can't just have your hand down a dude's pants and just... stop like that!"
"Well, obviously I can," Lex said, running his hand slowly down Clark's dark blue t-shirt, his fingers ghosting over the exposed skin at his abdomen. "I mean. I did, didn't I?"
Clark's fingers tightened, just this side of painfully, on Lex's arms. "Lex!"
"I love it when you wine, Clark," Lex whispered, biting sharply down on Clark's collarbone, grinning when Clark hissed. "I like it even better when you pout," he said, lifting his hand and fingering Clark's mouth, pulling back to grin at him. "Might just be the cutest thing ever."
Clark's eyes fluttered closed as Lex's mouth descended on his and his hand ran down Lex's arm soothingly. "So mean," he muttered. "And also... I'm not pouting. You can't just stop like that."
Lex reached down and delved inside Clark's pants, wrapping his fingers lightly around Clark again. "This? I can't just stop doing this?"
"Yes," Clark said, his breath hitching. "You can't stop doing that. Ever. Don't ever stop doing that."
Lex was in the process of biting into Clark's shoulder again when the phone rang. "Op," he said, turning his face into Clark's neck so he wouldn't see the grin. "There goes the--"
"I'll kill it," Clark said, venom in his voice. "I'll kill your phone, Lex, I really will. I swear to fucking God, if you get off of this couch and walk over to that phone I'll kill it and you faster than you can even wrap your bald damn head around it!"
Lex pulled back abruptly, frowning at him. "Faster than I can wrap my bald head around it?" He saw a flash of guilt go through Clark's eyes and contemplated making him suffer a bit more. Instead he grinned. "I'm not sure what they're teaching you in college, Clark, but the skull is not malleable. It can't be `wrapped' around anything."
Clark's eyes flashed at him as he stood. "I will Lex. I'll obliterate your phone. Your maid will be finding bits of plastic for months."
"Business," Lex said soothingly, smiling down at Clark and putting insult on top of injury by reaching down and fluffing his hair. He knew it annoyed Clark, and it's exactly why he did it, because he'd meant it when he said he loved it when Clark pouted.
"Dead. Phone broken. Unfixable. I'll cut your phone lines. I'll... I`ll... I don't know, but I'll do it!"
Lex smiled at him one final time before picking up the phone and placing it to his ear. "Not now," he said brusquely, lowering the phone again and hanging it up. He reached over and unplugged the cord from the base and slowly turned to look back at Clark.
Clark, who was grinning from ear to ear, his teeth so blindingly bright that Lex sometimes thought of signing him up for a Colgate commercial. "You hung up on them."
"I most certainly did not," Lex said, walking slowly back over to him. "I very politely informed them that I wasn't available to take their call."
Clark's grin widened, and that should have been impossible. "You hung up on them for me!"
Lex couldn't hold back the grin anymore. "I did."
Clark looked up into his eyes and sighed happily, looking for all the world like a puppy. "You know. I have a theory, Lex. And that theory is... you love me."
Lex grinned and sank slowly to his knees in front of Clark, his hands grasping tightly to Clark's jeans. "Allow me to prove that theory, Clark."
Clark gasped as Lex ripped his jeans down his legs, taking his boxers with them. His breathing was already labored and the laugh sounded more like a moan. "If you rip that, my Mom is so totally gonna know why."
Lex looked up at him as he worked Clark's pants past his feet. "Clark, so help me, do not bring your mother up when I'm about to deepthroat you."
That time, the laugh was most definitely a moan.
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