Gregory House, Supervillain

by mobiusklein

After accidentally taking kryptonite-tainted Vicodin pills, Gregory House went just a little bit crazier and meaner and decided to become a supervillain instead of simply being an incredibly assy diagnostician. Since he arrogantly but correctly deduced that his brain power was much greater than Lex Luthor, he decided to make Superman his arch-nemesis.

There was the small problem that he was located in Princeton, New Jersey and Superman was located in Metropolis. However, he knew that it would be quite easy to get Superman here.

"You won't get away with this," said Superman as he was wheeled down the hall of the hospital on a gurney.

"It's your own fault for eating way too much pie!" said House, knowing full well that the real reason Superman was in the hospital was because he had tainted one of the pies with kryptonite seasoning. He had cleverly suggested to one of his patients who was running a state-wide pie tasting contest to invite the superhero to be one of the judges. Superman had to taste every pie in the final round of judging so House had gotten Wilson to make an apple pie for him. House had sprinkled wee bits of kryptonite over the pie, sprayed whip cream over it and entered it, knowing that Wilson's pie had a very good chance of winning.

Soon, thought House. You and I will swap bodies then I can walk again after I put you into the kryptonite powered MRI which will render you unconscious.

Of course when he explained his plans to his three quasi-minions, there were objections.

"Wait a minute," said Foreman. "You know that Cuddy's going to throw a fit if you kill one of the patients on purpose, especially a superheroic one."

"Yes, a man's life is at stake. This is evil and it's wrong," said Cameron.

"That's an extremely radical way to cure one's limp," said Chase.

House snapped. "You all need to think outside of the box!"

"So, you're telling me that House is trying to kill a superhero on purpose," said Cuddy, sitting in her chair, and knowing that this particular action would completely deplete the funds she had set aside for legal aid on his behalf.

"Well, it's not exactly about killing Superman," sighed Wilson, who had overheard House's insane plan and went to Cuddy's office. "He thinks he's a supervillain and has come up with some cracked scheme to swap bodies with him."

"This is worse than the usual crap he pulls," said Cuddy, infuriated. "Is he trying to get this hospital shut down? We need to do something."

"What do you suggest?"

"House, what did you do?" said Cuddy as she stomped into the MRI room.

House turned from the MRI of Doom where Superman was writhing in a strangely erotic fashion. At his feet, Cameron and Foreman were unconscious after being shot with tranquilizer darts that House had shot from his new cane that could shoot people. Chase was awake but rather unhappy about the whole thing. However, House was quite happy at what he saw. "Wow, Cuddy, spandex really suits you. And Wilson, it's not too bad on you, either."

Cuddy turned to Wilson and said, "I told you dressing up in spandex was stupid." She was wearing a knee high black boots, and a purple spandex tights. Wilson was wearing a blue and black version.

"I figured it would distract him and I must say it suits you very well."

"Well, why are you wearing spandex?"

"I figured I must as well do my part as well," said Wilson.

House was licking his chops. "Well, you know what they say about subtextual unrealized sexual tension between a supervillain and his nemesis being part of the comic history. You don't happen to have a magic lasso that makes me pour out my deepest and dirtiest secrets, do you?"

Sadly before Cuddy could show off any possible superpowers, Chase whacked House over the head with a metal tray while he was distracted by dreams of a possible threesome. As House went down, Cuddy said, "Good job."

"It had to be done," said Chase, sniffing. "If he got that man's body, I wouldn't be the prettiest one in the hospital anymore."

Cuddy raised an eyebrow.

Chase rolled his eyes. "OK, prettiest man."

Superman moaned in a non-sexy way. "Could someone get me out of here?"

The End

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