Diagnosis

by mobiusklein



Lex stood at the door of the examination room, wondering why he even bothered, as he watched Lionel smile up at Dr. Gregory House and say, "I feel . . . fabulous."

"There's definitely something wrong with my father," said Lex.

"Why, because I feel wonderful? I always feel wonderful!" said Lionel with a magnificent smile.

"He's been acting even more peculiar than ever. I accidentally gave him the Speed DVD and he ended up swooning over Keanu Reeves."

"As that saucy minx Paris Hilton would say, he's hot. As are you, my dear," said Lionel as he tried to put his hand on top of Dr. House's. "Mmm."

Lex groaned. His father's mind was definitely on the fritz.

House raised an eyebrow and said, "Let's run some tests, shall we?"

"You're not going to examine me?" said Lionel. "I'm willing to pay extra."

"Dad!"


While the tests were being processed, House was in his office, trying to avoid actually treating patients who inevitably forgot to tell you something vital or lied even when their life was at stake when a package was delivered to him by courier. He opened it up and found a box with an obviously expensive though somewhat ugly wrist watch inside of it and two front-seat tickets to a monster truck rally. His eyes widened as he read the inscription inside the gaudy card attached with the inscription "With Deepest Affection, Lionel."

"Hmm, so instead of an old woman without teeth, your admirer's a billionaire and owner of a corporation. I see you've moved up in the world," said Wilson with amusement as he walked into House's office. "The logo on the packaging was so very hard to miss."

House smiled back. "It's not everyday a doctor gets a token of appreciation that includes two front-seat tickets to the monster truck rally of the year."

"How does he know you like monster truck rallies?"

"I remember him talking to Cameron yesterday. I didn't pay much attention to their conversation but I think he charmed her into giving up the goods on me."

"You're not seriously thinking of going out with that man, are you?"

"Oh, I don't know. Even though he's somewhere between Beelzebub and Lucifer, he sure does know how to make an impression."

House smiled as he noticed the discomfort on Wilson's face.


"You have syphilis," said House to the patient lying in bed..

"I have what?" said Lionel. "Really?"

"Yes, your unusual behavior including your amorous attentions towards your present care provider is a product of spirochetes attacking your brain."

"I wonder who I could've gotten it from."

"When is the last time you had sex," said House.

"Two days ago with the masseuse," said Lionel. "Four days ago with Dominic . . ."

Lex looked horribly exasperated . . . and irritated that his dad was obviously getting more sex than he was.

"Well, I dare say that you need to tell all your sex partners to get tested so they can be treated. Luckily, the cure is simply two weeks of penicillin."

"Is this brain damage permanent?" said Lex.

"Yes, yes it is."

Lex began wondering if he could get Lionel declared incompetent.


Meanwhile, Martha was dancing in the kitchen in her underwear. "Martha?" said Jonathan. "What has gotten into you?"

The End



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