Three Absurd Drabbles Regarding Lana

by mobiusklein

  1. Lana vs. The Borg

"We are Borg. You are to be Assimilated. Resistance is Futile," said the giant cube through everybody's TV. And even though Clark tried valiantly to melt the giant cube, the entire planet of the world was sucked into the cube and turned into Borg, even Clark.

However, one was left behind, the house around her untouched. "What about me?" screamed Lana.

The Borg Queen on her TV said, "I am the Borg Queen and I refuse to assimilate you. You would adversely affect our functioning as a unit. We scanned you but found out that you would suck all the surrounding energy into yourself and cause those around you to malfunction, either by obeying your orders mindlessly instead of the good of our society or causing them to injure or destroy other members."

"I demand you assimilate me. Everybody I have ever met has wanted to assimilate me," Lana said.

"Insistence is futile," snapped the Borg Queen and she cut contact with the annoying human girl.

The girl screamed at the blank screen. "You're just jealous because you know I'd take over!" she said, not thinking about the rather unfortunate process that the population of the world had undergone, becoming automatons in the service of an alien race and having their individuality squashed to become mindless loyal slaves to a rather scary somewhat female humanoid who wore black. Wait . . . a second.

Jason came up from the basement, having been protected by Lana's aura. "You mean I'm alone with you?"

"Yes," sniffed Lana. "Everybody else abandoned me by being kidnapped by the Borg."

"Nooooooo!" screamed Jason. He ran outside and screamed, "Come back!"

2. The Family Tree

Lana says, "My ancestress the Countess died as a witch but she was buried as a martyr." She started to weep.

Jason frowns. "It's bad but it's more than four hundred years ago."

"My great aunt Louise died while cheating on her husband. She got shot by a thief sent by her boyfriend the sheriff to kill her other boyfriend, her true love."

"Uh, TMI, Lana," said Jason, using the acronym for Too Much Information.

"My parents, well, you know the story. They were killed by the meteors." Tears continued to stream down Lana's face, making her black ensemble completely wet.

"Uh, yeah, I heard that story a couple dozen times before," Jason noticed that there was this huge puddle of water surrounding Lana.

"My biological father and my aunt are alive but they are utterly dead to me for abandoning me. My grandparents . . ."


"They died of natural causes. They became so old and so hideous!" she said.

Jason noticed that there was an inch of water on the floor.

3. super evil wrong or what happens when Lionel & Lana swap bodies

Lana had gone to visit Lionel in the prison for some shoehorny reason.. Lionel grimaced but figured that even transferring into this "one" would be better than dying of liver cancer. Within a few seconds, Lana and Lionel had swapped bodies. Lionel!Lana strutted out of prison in his new black clothes while Lana!Lionel began screaming that she was Lana Lang.

Lionel!Lana went to visit Martha. "Martha!"

"Please, Lana, call me Mrs. Kent."

"Oh, I humbly apologize." Lionel!Lana sniffled. "I had a fight with Clark. Could I have a hug?"

Martha did so but wondered why Lana was sniffing her hair.

The End

If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to mobiusklein

Also, why not join Level Three, the Smallville all-fic list?


Level Three Records Room