Four Things that Would Make the Original Creators Spin in Their Graves

by mobiusklein



  1. The Real Reason Behind the Rift

Lex Luthor looked at Superman holding the remains of a death-ray gun and scowled.

"Why must you try to kill me?" said Superman.

"That's what you get for spreading rumors that I'm flatulent."

"I figured public humiliation would finally stop you! Damn it, Lex! Stop with the cabbage and beans! You're just like your father! His farts were silent but violent, too. Oh, man, they were so nasty!"

"I'm sorry that my genetics are working against me."

"You didn't even try to stop. I'd try to give you a blow job then you'd cut the cheese."

"I said I was sorry!"

"If beano doesn't work, get your damn scientists to work on a cure for that instead of finding ways to take over the world. Unless you plan to use your toxic gas to make the American people submit."

"You're being so petty."

"Oh, bite me! You'd pick me up in these teeny cars THEN you cut loose with the windows closed?" Superman frowned then jumped back. "Damn it, Lex, you cut another one!"

Lex looked horribly embarrassed.

Superman sighed then said, "That does it." He picked Lex up and flew.

"What are you doing?"yelled the wanna-be God Emperor of Earth.

"I'm taking you to the Fortress. I'm sure the AI can find a cure or maybe it'll give you something to stick up there to neutralize the stench . . ."

2. Most pathetic vengeance!Clex ever

Clark was irritated when someone stole the lawn gnome from his front yard. What really bugged him was that some diabolical weirdo was sending him postcards from all over the globe with pictures of the blasted thing.

Clark investigated. He didn't suspect Lex as he was always in a different city on the day of the postmark until he found out that Lex's assistant was always at the city in question. It infuriated him; Lex had delegated pissing him off to a subordinate!

One day, Lex went missing. A few days later, the assistant began receiving postcards . . .

3. Skeptical

Jason walked into the hospital, carrying a lovely bouquet of flowers. While he was deeply, madly, oh so truly in love with his girlfriend, he was rather cross at having to go to the hospital again. Why does she keep getting attacked? And why doesn't she want to leave Smallville?

He had heard that the attacker had the most perverse power. He could alter people into a physical manifestation of their spiritual essence. He had heard one man had been turned into a walking, talking cow patty while another now had the power to pee from his head. He had heard random reports of baboons, ostriches, and donkeys running around town. He already heard of one man who turned into a woman and a woman who had turned into Elvis.

Of course, nothing could ever alter the way he felt about Lana . . . well, it would be a problem if she was now a he . . . But since she's such a wonderful person, I'm sure she'll look just the same or something equally as pretty . . . because that's just the kind of wonderful, sweet, kind, thoughtful, adorably caring person she is.

He opened the door about to say something sweet when he saw her sitting up in the bed . . . with a beard.

"You're not going to leave me because I'm not looking my best, are you?"

"Uh, here are some flowers. I'll call you later." A few seconds later, there was a man-sized hole in the hospital door.

4. Tattoo You

Pete drove all the way from Wichita back to Kansas. A few days prior he had been taking an unnecessarily long shower in the middle of the day when he had felt a pain near his ass. He went to the mirror, and looked over his shoulder to see in gold lettering some mystic symbols. Unlike Lana, the only thing he had been rubbing . . . Er, he felt this terrible need to go back to his former hometown, like it was destiny.

Meanwhile, Lex was swimming in Speedos and was climbing out of the water. Clark burst in like he owned the mansion, about to go into his 10000th speech about how Lex resembled a certain ancestor when he saw the tattoo on Lex's back. It was two circles that overlapped each other that had an arrow each pointing out of them in the same direction. It was the Kryptonian symbol for true love.

"Lex, where did you get that?"

"I got drunk. I don't remember getting it but I woke up from a bender, took a shower and there it was."

Clark touched it and a massive bolt of rainbow-colored electricity jumpstarted his brain. Lex frowned, turned around and saw Clark smiling at him, which had been a rare sight lately. "Clark?"

"I understand everything now," Clark said , looking either as if he had attained enlightenment through forty days of Zen meditation or if he had taken something illegal. He kissed Lex with even more passion than he had for warm apple pie.

Hours later, Clark finally walked into his loft only to find Pete, waiting for him. "Clark, my man! There's this totally whack symbol on my back. Do you have any idea what it says?" Pete turned around and lifted his shirt to show the symbol.

Clark looked at the symbol on Pete's back and said, "Eat at Jorel's."

The End



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