I spent three months in Metropolis high on Red Kryptonite the summer before my junior year.
Alone. Untouched. Unfeeling. Hollow. Numb.
When I left Smallville that summer, I thought Red K was an answer. That I would be able to escape the guilt for what I had done. I never expected the reaction to be so severe. It didn't matter what I did. How many guys I fucked, who I spoke with, how many times I buried myself in what I had done or even how long I left the ring off. It never changed. Everything in me, everything that helped me feel was gone.
Because, see, there's one difference between this time and the first two times I found myself under the influence of Red K.
I didn't intend to become such an angry person and basically steal from my parents. I didn't intend to try to tell the world my secret or run away from home. I didn't intend to sleep with Jessie
I didn't intend to tell Chloe my secret. I didn't intend to shove Lex aside like he meant nothing. I didn't intend to screw Lana over with Chloe and then lie about it.
After Lex married Helen, after I destroyed the ship, after I caused my baby sister's death? Then the intent was there. I did intend to disappear when I slipped that ring on my finger. I knew what would happen and I wished for it. I wanted it. For freedom from all feeling, all emotion, from guilt, from who I was.
It's unfortunate the power of Red K is so unpredictable and complex.
Long weeks have passed since I came home. I smile and laugh and joke. I write for the Torch, investigate stories with Chloe, play basketball with Pete and stumble over fixing things with Lana. I do my chores, make deliveries and help my parents with various things around the farm. I express concern over Lex's disappearance and help with the search.
I notice the looks of concern, the worry, the confusion but ignore them. There's no explanation good enough, I can't confide in anyone. Not even my parents, whose grief is still ever present, whose pain and tears I see and yet still I feel nothing.
And I know that no matter what I do or how much time passes, it will never change. There's something missing inside of me. Something vital, something precious.
Because I can't feel anything. Not anymore. Maybe not ever again.
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