Stalk Talk

by mobiusklein



One male freak (who we'll call F1) is on a hill, using binoculars to peep into Lana Lang's bedroom window. There's nothing to see, really, as she was taking a long, long bath. A female freak happened by, who we shall call F2 because you aren't really given names unless of course, you happen to really affect the center of the universe aka Lana Lang.

F2 says, "Hello there. Are you stalking Lana?"

F1 puts down his binoculars and says, "Yes, yes, I am. It's a boring past time, yet I feel compelled to do so."

"Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you."

They shake hands.

F3, another male freak but much larger and a bit scarier in look than F1, walked up to them. "Oh, dear, I thought I was the only one who knew about this spot."

They again make introductions.

F2 says, "I hope we're not going to start fighting over her. I just had a manicure today."

F3 thinks about it and says, "Well, we could kill each other but that's useless. After all, we need to combine forces to drive off the current freak she's dating."

"You mean Clark Kent."

F3 nods.

"Yes, he's even more obsessive than us and more powerful. However, we should talk about how we are going to split her up."

F3 frowned, saying, "You mean you plan to eat her? I haven't mutated that much."

F1 and F2 look a bit disgusted. F1 says, "No, I'll take Sunday and Monday. She will take Tuesday and Wednesday, if that's all right."

F2 nodded.

F1 said, "And you can have Thursday and Friday. As for Saturday, we will all take turns."

F3 said, "What do you plan to do with her?"

F1 smiled and said, "I plan on taking her to Sephora, dye her hair red, give her super blue eyeshadow and use lots and lots of glitter."

F2 and F3 stared at F1 for a long, long time, boggling at how he could possibly think that was a good idea. F2 broke the silence saying, "I think I'll change her into various animals just for the hell of it. Perhaps I shall start with a weasel then a blowfish then maybe a pink platypus."

F1 and F3 frowned. "But that's magic, not science fiction."

"Oh, bother," snapped F2. "Just blame it on the meteorites. It's magic, damn it."

"Oh, all right. Meteorites?"

"Yes, meteorites! It's not meteor rocks! And Prometheus is not the son of Zeus, there is no Kansas sea and . . . that size C bra you stole from the backyard is soooooooo not Lana's," said F2, noticing the red bra hanging out of F1's back pocket.

F3 said, "Most of my schemes involve death. It's going to be a bit of a problem, isn't it?"

F1 said, "Well, look, how about we get rid of Clark first then worry about your death schemes. My power is that I can undo a half an hour of time. Perhaps I can reverse the death so we get to do whatever we please while you may use a different scheme every week."

F2 and F3 clapped their appreciation.

"What is your power?" said F1 to F3.

F3 said, "I can temporarily increase the intelligence of others. It doesn't work on me, though. Luckily, football players are paying me megabucks for help on the SATs. I tell them it's all about meditation the night before the test."

F2 sighed. "OK, how can our powers combined get us the object of our obsession?"

F1 brightly said, "How about you increase our brain power so we can come up with a plan?"

After about an hour, they were all about to do the incredible, amazing plan that involved turning various Smallville residents into armadillos, cuckoos, roaches, bats and cute little kitty cats, time displacement, certain people suddenly having a massive increase in intelligence, and for some reason, lots and lots of glitter.

Sadly, it was not meant to be. For a scientific team sent by one long, greasy haired billionaire was creeping up the hillside about to give them a one-way ticket to Asylumville.


Lana looked out her window, noticed no tell-tale sign of being watched and cried that even the stalkers had abandoned her.

The End



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