Smoking the Crack of Doom

by mobiusklein

"Lex Luthor," said an imperious, somewhat British voice.

Lex Luthor awoke from his mini-coma and winced as he got up off the floor, brushing off broken glass bits. "Who . . ." He felt quite well for a man who had just recently been poisoned.

"I am Jor-El, father of Kal-El, the one you know as Clark. Oh, by the way, all the poison's out of your system."

Lex Luthor stood up and looked at the hologram with intense interest. "You mean, you're his biological father? You saved my life?" He felt giddy with joy at not only knowing a secret about Clark, but how pretty the hologram was. Why the joy he was feeling even rivaled the time he had found a mint condition Warrior Angel Comic #1 or seeing Clark after waking up on the river bank. Then a thought occurred to him. "Oh, no, you're a hallucination."

"No, I am a hologram and technically I'm not his biological father. However, I am a representation of an artificial intelligence that contains his memories, yes." The hologram looked a trifle sheepish. "The Kents . . . well, they botched things. I had to push the reset button on Kal-El. You must come to the caves."

Lex looked unconvinced. "How do I know that you're not trying to . . ."

The hologram sighed in irritation. "If I wanted you to die, I'd . . .Kara, show Lex." A blond girl walked into the room and disintegrated a chair.

Lex gasped.

"Now come to the caves before I go after that nice Akira Kurosawa prop sword you're so fond of."

Lex walked into the caves and stood in front of the octagonal hold. He fondled it out of habit.

"Aiyeee, that tickles," intoned Jor-El.

Lex took his finger out of the hole. Ewww, he thought. "Well, I'm here."

"I have something I need you to take care of. In fact, it's the greatest burden in the entire world but also the most precious thing I have."

"What is it?"

A little brunette kid popped out of the wall. He looked like he was about five.

Lex raised an eyebrow. "Who is this?"

"It's Kal-El or Clark as you like to call him," said the cave wall, ever so boomingly.

"But he's a child!" protested Lex.

"I know. Things were so bad I had to push the reset button nearly a dozen times," said Jor-el.

Lex looked sadly at his shrunken friend. "I have a confession to make."

"Yes, you had a romantic fondness for him. Yes, I know. I really am sorry but he really couldn't be the one for you as he was right now. Think of it as being in his life in a different way. Anyway, don't you and your father have an unusual relationship?"

"You've been reading THOSE stories about me and my father?" said Lex. He knew about this due to the fact he had once caught the maid and the laundry lady reading them on the internet.

"They're not true? Oh, but they were so . . . Never mind. I do suggest that you enlist the help of one Chloe Sullivan to help you raise Kal-El."


Chloe and Gabe Sullivan appeared along with the blond furniture-disintegrating girl. "What's going on? And who's that little boy?" said Chloe, a little breathless at escaping being barbecued. Gabe was brushing off his scorched eyebrows.

"That is Kal-El or the boy you know as Clark," sighed the cave.

"Oh, my God, that's Clark?" said Chloe as she squatted down to look at the wee, cute somewhat impish youngster who smiled at her.

Various colored lights began to shine and Lex briefly had flashbacks to some very strange clubs he had gone to when he was still a wild young thing who lived for partying and screwing. He wondered whether a mirrored ball would somehow descend from the ceiling. "Jor-El . . ."

"Do not worry. I am simply getting ready to download you and Chloe with powers so you can spank Kal-El when he is bratty."

"Wait a second, how about the mythology of the cave wall paintings . . . about Naman and . . ."

"Silly wankers, how dare they graffiti my walls!"

"Graffiti?" said Lex.

"Download?" said Chloe.

"Why is the wall talking?" said Gabe.

Scene that should've happened in Lineage:

Clark & Pete are at the table, eating Cheetos.

Jonathan: Um, the test turned out positive that Lionel is the father.

Clark: But Pete took the te. . .oh.

Pete: Lionel's my . . . Nooooooooooooooooo!

The End

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