Planet of the Cows

by mobiusklein

"Let's get this show on the road," said astronaut!Jonathan Kent as he lay in his couch in the space shuttle. "Rockets don't launch themselves." Besides him was the other astronaut named Lana Lang. The government was sending them into outer space to investigate the wormhole that had suddenly appeared between the Earth and moon.

The countdown finally began. "10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1," intoned the computer before the booster rocket ignited. The shuttle flew with such force that the astronauts felt squashed into their couches and their field of vision began to be narrow from the multiple G forces of acceleration. Once beyond the gravity field of Earth, Jonathan piloted the shuttle towards the wormhole. His precise orders were to simply collect information about the phenomenon by launching a probe in orbit around it. However, things rarely go as planned.

Lana pushed a button because it was shiny. "Oh, what's that?" This was bad because it caused the shuttle to go right into the wormhole.

Jonathan snapped, "Keep your hands to yourself, young lady!" However it was much too late. The stars around them distorted and turned into white streaks that disappear and the acceleration felt like being at the very front car of a roller coaster. It was all over in a few seconds. Once at the other end of the wormhole, he couldn't find a sign of where it was. He even tried reversing his direction but nothing happened . . . After an hour, he decided to land on a nearby planet that was amazingly Earth-like and piloted his shuttle towards it to see if anybody could help him.

Once he landed the shuttle in a grassy area, Lana decided to go out in search for a reflective surface to admire herself despite his admonitions not to wander off. He would've chased after her but a sight distracted him.

In the distance, there were cows running on their hind legs. They looked unlike the cows he was used to be. In fact, they more closely resembled critters from the "Far Side." The cows were wearing a support harness that were holding their udders in place so they wouldn't flop around uncomfortably while running.

The brown cow stopped and said, "Where did you buy that bra? I just love that shade on you."

"Well . . . AHHHHH! A predator!" bellowed the white-and-black cow.

Jonathan looked around before realizing that the cow was pointing its hoof right at him. Ah, crap, he thought. "No, I'm not a predator!" he yelled.

"GYAHHH, it talks!"

Jonathan tried to think of a comforting platitude as he was captured by galloping bovine park rangers and stuck in the back of a police car and driven off but nothing came to mind. The crowning touch was seeing a couple cows videotaping the incident.

"I must apologize for the way you have been treated," Dr. Bessie said to Jonathan as he sat on the examination table in a medical office. She had checked him all over for any obvious signs of poor handling by the rangers. "I am chief medical doctor and research scientist of the local military base. You must realize that you have a strong resemblance to the species that have attacked a few of our local residents." She felt full of compassion for the hideous creature.

"I told them repeatedly that I meant no harm."

The cow frowned. "Well, if you had used less platitudes, it would've been a lot easier to detect your intelligence much sooner. They were afraid of being taken in by a mammalian version of a parrot."

"What about my ship?"

"Well, it's been impounded."


"It was illegally parked. Of course it was towed."

"Have you found a fellow human? Dark hair, small female . . ."

Bessie put her hoof to her chin and looked thoughtful or as thoughtful as a cow walking upright can. "I will ask the park rangers to keep an eye out for her. But in the meantime, what would you like to eat?"

"God, I'd like a steak." Jonathan gasped at his major faux pas. "I mean . . ."

Bessie said, "What are steaks?"

"Um, they're thick slabs of . . . bean curd," said Jonathan.

On the way to the zoo where Lana was possibly being held, Jonathan saw something in the distance that he couldn't believe he was seeing. "Excuse me, Dr. Bessie. Could we please go to the beach?"

"But . . ."

"Please, it's very important. There's something sticking out of the sand I'd like to check out."

The kindly cow drove him towards the beach. Once they parked in the adjoining parking lot, Jonathan ran towards what he had seen. Bessie trotted alongside her pesky human captive as they walked up to it.

As they got closer, Jonathan screamed, "Noooooooo!"

Doctor Bessie blinked at the part of the Statue of Liberty that was sticking out of the beach. "Oh, that. It's such a hideous abstract sculpture. She's got way too many horns and she has no snout."

After President Lex had sent Superman on a rescue mission to save the missing astronauts, he blew up the wormhole behind his arch nemesis. This was oh-so-evil but everybody pretty much lived happily ever after. Well, the closing of the wormhole DID have the weird side effect of causing sunflowers to die every once in a while and red Hawaiian punch to fall from the sky every once in a while. That was kinda bad and annoying.

After mankind finally went into a decline caused by the ingestion of too many Twinkies and fast-food burgers, the cows took their rightful place as rulers of Earth but that was millions of years in the future.

The End


Bessie, upon receiving and examining the final TV signals from Earth before the wormhole closed, moos in horror with her hooves at the side of her head. "Steaks! Steaks are cows!"

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