If Lana was a Guy

by mobiusklein

Larry Lang, superstar quarterback of Smallville High, rode his pony to the graveyard, dressed in his finest pink clothes. He wore a green meteorite ring, a memento of his dead parents. He got off his pony and bobbed his head while talking to their graves.

"I'm sorry I haven't been around for a while. It's just that I found someone new to obsess, er, stalk, er, hound, er, care for. Her name is Chloe Sullivan."

A man walked up to him. "I'm sorry but I'm here to deliver a restraining order. You have been served."

Larry Lang smiled most inappropriately.

"I haven't been visiting my parents grave because I have someone in my life now to replace them. That person is you, Chloe. Youuuuuuuu . . . OWWWWWWWWWW!!!!" screamed Larry Lang as a very creeped out and pissed Chloe Sullivan pulled out her mace and squirted the fiery chemical into the big dullard's eyes. He felt to the ground and writhed in pain.

"That's what you get for ignoring the restraining order!" snapped Chloe.

Clark ran up to the front of the house where Chloe was standing. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine but I have to call the cops to report the fact I used mace on him and that he disobeyed the order to stay five hundred yards away from me."

"No, you can't abandon me like Uncle Ned and my parents and Whitney!" Larry yelled as he continued to writhe in pain.

"It's so sick the way he keeps following you around, pestering you over and over, talking constantly about abandonment, secrets and lies . . ." said Clark.

Chloe shook her head. "Mind staying until the Sheriff comes?"

"I'll be happy to."

"I didn't know that you were going to art school in Paris," said Chloe.

"Well, I didn't want you to know because you were only the one who could've stopped me." Larry looked expectantly at her, waiting for Chloe to beg him to stay.

"Have a nice time," said Chloe before she again maced Larry.


"Next time, it's going to be a gun. Get on the plane."

The End

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