Bad Sex

by Shropshire

Disclaimer: Not only not mine, but they always move to the other side of the street when I pass.

Notes: I rarely write sex in my pieces ('stories' seemed to be overstating the matter). For some reason, I felt the need to demonstrate why...

(If this seems very reminiscent of my "Cantaloupe" series it's because yes, I am a one trick pony.)

Warnings: Well, bad sex. Not all that graphic, not all that much actual sex, but the images may stain.

"Oh, Clark! Clark!"

"Lex, you're so tight!"

"Mmm...Wait a minute, Clark, I'm always offering you money...vehicles...sandwiches..."

"I meant anally."

"Oh. Is that a..ow...compliment? And what the hell is in my ear?"

"Um. I was going to bring up the whole tentacle issue earlier."

"Way to ruin the moment with oozing slime."

"Actually, it's not quite ruined for me..."

"No, I can see. You're making holes in the sheets."

"Look, could you just rub it or suck it or something?"

"I don't know, Clark, that looks poisonous. It's waving around like a cobra, what if it turns on me?"

"Ah! Please!"

"Alright, alright..."

"Oh! Wow! Yes! Lick Me Love Stud!...hey, don't stop!"

"Sorry, Clark, I just...Just stop talking dirty, okay? And reel in the tentacle, it keeps trying to probe me."

"And that's bad?"

"Probing in general? No. When it's a glow-in-the-dark dripping, scaly tentacle? Take a guess."

"Look, my balls are going to explode in a second."



"Hang on, then..."

"OH! MY! GOD!"

"Feel better?"


"I'm kind of horny again now. You look all flushed and sweaty."

"Well, lets do something about...Argh!"


"Son, would you mind closing your mouth? Your tonsils might seize the opportunity for escape."

"How long have you been under the bed?!"

"A few hours. I was hiding from enemies. Bloody things are everywhere these days."

"You weren't sleeping I suppose? Really, really heavily?"

"Through that racket? And, really Lex, you two could use pointers from an expert. If only your mother had allowed me to give you the benefit of my experience..."

"Dad, I'm going to throw up now. Please put your head in the way so it can serve a useful purpose."

"Now, there's a big sexual faux pas for starters. Look, let me demonstrate a few things...Martha, love?"


"Clark? Clark, are you breathing?"

"Clark, dear, I can explain. I was dusting the underside of the bedsprings, naked, when Lionel just happened to show up. Naked."


"Well, no, not really. We were humping like camels on acid."

"But then you two came in and we kind of got the giggles."

"Clark, where do you keep that tentacle? I've never seen it before."

"Mo-om! It's a private tentacle. Will everyone please stop going on about my tentacle. And please, please, please put on some clothes. Not you, Lex.

Lex? Why are you pinching me?"

"I'm trying to see if one of us is dreaming. I'm hoping it's you because, if my psyche's this sick? I may have to have it put down."


"Did that come from the wardrobe?"

"Lex, what have I told you about livestock in the house?"

"Well, somebody go and check."

"Well, I wasn't expecting that."

"Pete, dear, that's a lovely costume. Did you sew it yourself?"

"Pete? That was you? You lulled me here under false pretences!"

"Mr. Kent, how many cows can moo the words 'come to bed'? And navigate stairs? And have zippers?"

"I still feel used."

"Look, why does everyone feel the need to copulate in my room?"

"It just has...extra sex vibes."

"Plus, there's always the chance of seeing you naked."

"Yep, I'm for that."

"Can't disagree."

"They've got you there, Lex."

"Fine. Fine. You can all orgy away up here. Have some champagne and oysters, go ahead.

Clark, you and me are gong to find a nice quiet disused barn, someplace. Or a haystack."

"Good plan."

"Bye! And mind that tentacle, sweetheart. You could have someone's eye out."

"Will you shut up about the tentacle!"

"Thank god. A nice, quiet, slightly musty, lovenest. Where were we?"

"Inserting part A into part...Hey! Earthquake!"




"I thought you were an icky corpse?"

"He is."

"I am."

"I meant Lana..."



"Anyway, Lana found this way to reanimate dead tissue- there's quite a few methods it turns out- and she wanted to test it before dragging back- er, thoughtfully resurrecting her parents."

"We're just checking that he functions correctly."

"Unfortunately, there's the odd detachable bit."

"The formula needs work."

"Want to help?"



"Lets visit Antarctica. I've heard it's nice this time of year."

"Anywhere but here, Clark.

And- Ew! Put that zombie part back. You don't know where it's been."

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