Title: Tigers and Coconuts and Sand, oh my!
Email: firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com Rating: R for language and implied sexuality. Summary: Clark and Lex are in the ultimate clichd situation: marooned on a desert island. Disclaimer: Smallville and its characters are owned by some very rich Americans who are not me. Please don't litigate. Notes: All Jenn's fault. She challenged someone to write the desert-island clich fic, I accepted. Take it up with her.
"Clark, I am not having any fun here."
"Come on, where's your spirit of adventure?"
"Hmm, I don't know. Maybe at the bottom of the ocean along with the boat."
"Oh shit. My boat. My boat! My pretty, shiny new boat."
"It was insured, right?"
"Clark, that was an exceptionally stupid question. After all the accidents I've had, actuaries laugh when they see me coming."
"Yeah, but that was just cars. You haven't had any boating accidents."
"You said you were very safe in a boat. You said so. How could you lie to me?"
"It wasn't a lie. Well, not technically. I am safe. See, safe and sound in the middle of a fucking desert island. It's just the boat that's not safe."
"I am never letting you handle another vehicle ever again."
"Oh sure, spoil my fun."
"Do you think I'm kidding here, Lex? From now on you don't even get to steer the bumper cars at the county fair. You're a menace."
"We're not going to the county fair, Clark. Note the surroundings. Do you see any bumper cars? We're probably going to get killed and eaten by a tiger any minute."
"Um, I'm pretty sure tigers live in the jungle, not the desert."
"What-the-fuck-ever. A crocodile then."
"Shut up. I don't want to hear you channeling that stupid nature show guy. Clark, you have many talents, but imitating Australian accents isn't one of them."
"I do a great imitation!"
"Yeah, yeah, you just keep telling yourself that. Damnit, I think the sunblock went down with the boat. And if you laugh at me one more time, I'll feed you to the crocodiles myself. You're talking to a guy with no hair here. No protection from the elements. Melanoma, here I come."
"I can protect you, Lex."
"That's nice and manly of you, but not very useful. Where the hell are you going?"
"See those palm trees over there? We're going to sit under them, in the shade."
"Oh. But wait, shouldn't we stay on the beach, in case somebody comes to rescue us?"
"You already want to get away from me?"
"Don't fucking pout at me, Clark. If it wasn't for you being all distracting and nearly naked, I never would've..."
"Never would've lost control of your dad's speedboat and introduced the hull to a reef?"
"It's not his, it's mine. All he did was give it to me for my birthday. If it was his boat that I smashed up, that would be the one ray of sunshine in this whole mess. But no, I had to wreck my own speedboat. Hey, I bet it was defective. I bet he was trying to kill me."
"Well, then, it's a good thing I was there to save you and swim us to shore."
"Don't think my mood will improve just because you're being all snuggly. We're stuck here, remember."
"We'll be okay, Lex."
"How exactly will we be okay? Do you see a Burger King within swimming distance? We'll starve to death."
"Yeah, but at least we'll starve together."
"Hah! I know, maybe I'll eat you. And don't look so perky. I meant in the literal way."
"You'd cannibalize me to save yourself, Lex?"
"Damn straight I would. It's survival of the fittest in the jungle. I saw this movie."
"Like I said before, desert island, not jungle."
"You're really not a nature-oriented guy, are you?"
"Oh my God, Clark. You've found me out. How ever will I cope with the shame?"
"You don't have to get snappy. *I'm* not the one who capsized the boat, after all."
"Fuck you. Fine, I'll just go and sit under that palm tree over there. I'm not speaking to you anymore."
"Le-ex. Oh, Le-ex."
"I said I'm not speaking to you, Clark."
"I know, but I can still talk to you."
"Fine, but I'm not paying any attention."
"Well, I think this situation is sexy."
"Think about it, the two of us, all alone. A beautiful sandy beach all to ourselves. We can go skinny-dipping without freaking anybody out."
"And after we can lie on the beach and..."
"Jeez, Lex, I know about the sand. You shouldn't interrupt a perfectly good scenario to tell me there's sand on a desert island."
"No, the point is that whatever vigorous, marginally legal activity you have planned for this goddamn romantic beach won't be too comfortable. Sand gets everywhere, Clark."
"Now do you see where I'm going with the sand reference?"
"Okay, fine, so I won't ask you to fuck me on the beach. You picked a fine time to get practical-minded."
"I know from experience."
"Don't `oh' me, Clark Kent. Were you under the impression that I was a virgin before we met?"
"No, I just didn't realize you'd already done this."
"Uh uh, I haven't done this. My sandy beach experience was in Bermuda. There was a big umbrella for shade. And Mai-Tais. And a whirlpool tub back at my cabana. This whole stranded on a desert island thing is entirely new to me, I assure you. And wipe that damn smirk off your face. This isn't funny."
"I'm sorry. I'm not smiling, really."
"What will it take for you to realize how much shit we're in, Clark? We have no shelter, no food, no weapons to hold off the crocodiles, and scorpions, and, uh..."
"Shut up, Clark. There are no tigers on desert islands. Every moron knows that. Where was I?"
"Yes, thank you. We also have no food. And unless we find a stream or something, nothing to drink either. Plus, I don't know how far away we are from where the boat sank. You're one hell of a strong swimmer. God only knows when the people at the resort will figure out that we're missing, and after that how long will it take them to find us? We are in deep shit."
"Lighten up already, Lex. I saw some coconut trees further inland. We'll eat coconut meat, and drink coconut milk."
"You can do that?"
"Where did you think pina coladas came from?"
"A bottle of forty proof rum, that's where. And don't patronize me."
"Sorry. Then we'll collect some driftwood and start a fire. That way we'll keep the tigers away and we'll be easier to spot if they send out search planes for us."
"You've got it all figured out. You're a regular Swiss Family Crusoe."
"Swiss Family Robinson, Lex. Robinson."
"Huh. I was sure it was Crusoe."
"Oh, there is a Crusoe. Robinson Crusoe. Different book altogether."
"Well, which book is about getting shipwrecked on a desert island?"
"Um, both of them, actually."
"What? This is such a common occurrence that two different books had to be written about it? I'm writing to my congressman."
"You are such a dork."
"Fine. No blow job for you when we get rescued."
"So you admit that we will be rescued. We're not really going to die out here, Lex."
"I admit nothing. Go away."
Three hours later...
"There, don't you feel better now you've had something to eat?"
"I'm not a fucking infant, Clark."
"Gee, you're awfully grumpy."
"Yeah, I guess being marooned on a desert island with nothing to eat but coconuts brings out my inner grouch."
"Remind me never to take you camping."
"Hey, we went camping. I was good at it."
"Lex, you had the servants set up a tent on the mansion grounds. You brought your laptop. You tried to order pizza. That is not camping."
"That's not what you said that night."
"Yeah, well, you were distracting me. Let's just say if you went camping with my dad, it would be a very different experience."
"Shit! Oh hell, your dad. He's never going to let me take you on another vacation. Not ever. Not after I nearly got you killed...again."
"My dad can't stop us from going on vacation."
"Hello, transporting a minor across state lines. Your kinked-out idea of role-playing aside, I'm not keen on prison."
"Um, maybe you really did get too much sun. Eighteenth birthday. Celebratory trip to Hawaii. Any of this ringing a bell?"
"Gotcha. Yeah. I knew that. I just forgot. You've been jailbait for so long I've gotten used to it."
"Well, I'm not now. What will you do now I'm legal?"
"Hmm, have to think about it. Maybe the thrill is gone. Maybe I'll get bored with you now."
"Yup. Boring, boring, bo... Ooh, mm. That's it. Hey, where the hell are you going, farmboy?"
"Lex, you said you were bored. I'd better just go back to my own palm tree."
"Get your ass back here, you overgrown cornstalk."
"There, is that better?"
"Much. Thank you. I seem to have lost my train of thought."
"I could stop groping you. That might help you concentrate."
"Don't you dare."
"Anyway, we were discussing you and your dislike for the great outdoors."
"I don't have anything against the outdoors, Clark. I just don't prefer to be exposed to it except under controlled conditions."
"Okay, and these aren't controlled conditions."
"No they're not, which is why I'm not having any - ooh! Oh, my."
"You didn't finish your sentence. Were you going to say you weren't having any fun?"
"Well, I'm definitely not having any now. Quit talking and do what you were doing before."
"You could say please, you know."
"Hey, it's your fault I crashed the boat. You owe me apology sex. Uh huh. There we go. That's much better. You know, this, oh, this island - Clark! - is actually kind of pretty at sunset."
"Told you. You just had to be in the proper frame of mind to appreciate it."
"Would you please focus on what you're doing."
"Sorry. I'll just apply myself to the task at hand."
"You do that. Uh - oh, wow. Anyway, sunset, palm trees - Jesus Christ, Clark - ocean. All quite pretty. I may - shit, do that again - decide not to have this - oh God, oh man, where the hell did you learn that?"
"The internet is an excellent educational tool, Lex."
"You're cheating on me with a piece of silicone? I'm offended. Really - oh shit, or maybe not. I can share you. If the - results are this - hell, I love this place - rewarding. Oh, Clark!"
"Yeah. God, that was good."
"Glad you thought so."
"Don't look so damn smug or maybe I won't return the favour. And quit pouting. I'm trying to enjoy the afterglow here. Wow, I think I won't have this place nuked after all."
"Um, I'm pretty sure you can't just order a random Hawaiian island nuked for no good reason, Lex."
"I'm a Luthor. I can do anything."
"Are you going all macho and butch on me?"
"Shut up. And don't smirk. It's not a good look for you."
"So wipe the smirk off my face."
"Fine. You asked for it."
An hour after that...
"It's getting colder, I'll put some more wood on the fire."
"You do that, Clark."
"You're in an awfully good mood. You haven't made a snarky remark in at least twenty minutes."
"I'm saving them up. Besides, I'm in shock that you actually managed to start a fire with nothing but your own ingenuity. Even McGyver needed a piece of string and a paper clip."
"You know, Lex, you really need to stop basing your opinion of the wilderness on old TV shows."
"Don't criticize me. I had a rough day. I nearly drowned, remember."
"Sorry. But at least now we have a nice big fire to keep you warm."
"I don't understand why it's getting cold. I mean, this is the tropics."
"Well, it's because the solar heat dissipates-"
"Christ, Clark, I'm a scientist. I know that. I was just making conversation. Do you think I'm stupid?"
"No, of course not. More coconuts?"
"Don't try to distract me. You think I'm just your dumb sexual plaything, don't you? I'll have you know that Mensa begged me to join them when I was eleven years old. Begged, Clark."
"So why didn't you?"
"I'm not a joiner. Besides, Dad wanted me too, so obviously I had to reject them."
"Obviously. Are you sure you don't want some of this coconut before it's all gone?"
"Positive. You eat like a horse, you know. But I'm not just your big dumb sugar daddy. I went to Princeton. And Yale. And, well, Metropolis U. But we don't talk about that."
"Oh, yeah. You got kicked out, didn't you? Why was that again?"
"Not telling. The story isn't fit for your virginal ears."
"Lex, my ears are about the only part of me that's still virginal. You can't shock me."
"Sure I can. My limericks shock you."
"Uh uh. Only with how bad they are. Well, okay, there was the one you told to my mother. That shocked me."
"She liked it, didn't she? Besides, I had to do something to show my appreciation of her punching my dad in the groin. God, that was a beautiful moment. I wish I had it on videotape."
"Yeah, that was good. So, you like this island, huh, Lex?"
"I never said that."
"Actually you did."
"You should know by now that anything said in a post-orgasmic haze doesn't count."
"Well, fine. I like this island, though. It's beautiful, and it has nature, and yummy coconuts, and my own personal sex slave."
"God, Clark, are you a man or a travel agent? Oh, no, you're not eating another coconut. Aren't you sick of them by now?"
"Uh uh. They're good."
"What about preserving the environment? I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to strip-mine all the coconuts. There'll be none left for the, um...crocodiles?"
"Crocodiles are carnivores, Lex. They don't eat coconuts."
"Well, I'm sure there's some kind of coconut-ivore stranded on this goddamn island with us, and right now it's probably pissed at you. I bet it has big teeth, too."
"You know, for a guy who can get every channel known to man on his TV, you don't watch enough nature documentaries. Otherwise, you'd know more."
"Ugh. Flashback city. My dad's a religious Discovery Channel fan. His favourites are the shows about predators killing wide-eyed innocent Bambis, or fighting each other for leadership of the pack."
"Huh. Interesting. Bet he likes Survivor too, then."
"I've never asked. Anyway Clark, the point is that when whatever animal eats the coconuts decides to attack you for stealing its dinner, don't think I'll protect you. I'll be the guy running away and leaving you to die. You just watch."
"It's a good thing I find heartless bastards attractive, or else I'd be breaking up with you right about now."
"Hmph. First you make me crash the boat, then you dump me."
"Hey, I didn't do anything! Didn't we already have this discussion?
"Yes, we did, and we agreed that it was all your fault."
"I don't remember that part."
"Look, Clark, when you rub sunscreen all over yourself like hot fudge sauce over ice cream, you should expect the guy driving the boat to get distracted. I mean, Jesus, there are countries where that's illegal."
"What countries exactly?"
"Shut the fuck up."
"Or I'll kick you off my island."
"Um, Lex, you don't own this island."
"Sure I do. Well, I ought to. And as soon as we're rescued, I'll buy it. So there."
"You have issues, major issues. I just hope you realize that."
"Are you rejecting me because I'm psychologically imperfect?"
"Yes, you are. I can tell. Fine, I'm going back to my personal, private palm tree, and you can't come with me."
"No way. Lex, I'll prove to you that I'm not rejecting you."
"Oh, and how are you going to do that? Write Alexander Kent in pretty seashells on the beach?"
"Um, no. That would be a little too weird for me. Unless you want me to, of course. I was just planning to ask you to fuck me."
"Nice try, Clark. Top marks for effort."
"You could look a little more enthusiastic."
"We've had this discussion before. Sand issues, remember?"
"I'm a tough guy. Anyway, the water's right there. We can wash off right after."
"Okay, but perhaps you didn't notice that everything in the boat went to play on the coral reef. Not just the sunblock and the picnic basket, but the party favours too."
"Hmm, you have a point, Lex. I wonder what McGyver would do in this situation."
"Oh, you did not just go there. Thank you for ruining one of the last innocent memories of my childhood. Oh no, what are you doing with that coconut?"
"Improvising. I think it'll work. Come here."
"No way. Hell, no. I'm not...well, hmm - actually it's not too bad. Christ, I'll never be able to look a pina colada in the face again."
"Mmm. That feels really good, Lex. You're so creative."
"It was your idea."
"I'm just trying to be encouraging. Work with me here."
"What do you think I'm doing?"
"Oh man, oh...yeah, that's good. God, this never gets dull."
"I should certainly hope not."
"Mmm, Lex. Oh, I'm so glad we came here instead of Copenhagen for my birthday trip."
"Yeah, this is better. No Danish people. Although, no Danish pastries either. And I'm pretty sure you can't get stranded on a desert island in Scandinavia."
"But - right there, Lex, we could get stranded on an iceberg. That would be - oh, wow, yes - way less fun."
"I guess you have a point."
"Lex, could you hurry up a little, please? I mean, I'm a big fan of foreplay, but in case you haven't noticed, I'm beyond ready here."
"Sorry, got distracted. Oh, man, you're absolutely right, Clark. This never does get dull. Ah!"
"Told you so. More, please."
"Have I mentioned that I love it when you beg?"
"Only a few - oh - thousand times."
"Pina coladas, Bounty bars, macaroons. You do realize I'll - oh, shit - never be able to look at those food products the same way again."
"Is that supposed to be a bad thing?"
"Not at all."
"Oh, Lex. Lex. LEX! Holy SHIT!"
"Yeah, that's it."
"No, I hear something. I think it's a plane."
"Lex, focus, please."
"I am focusing. Hey, get back here. I'm not finished."
"Yup, it's a seaplane. Over here, over here! Lex, help me put more wood on the fire."
"Clark Kent, I swear to God, I will kill you for this."
"You were the one who was bitching about how we'd never get rescued, and how you didn't want to die here."
"Well, I changed my fucking mind. So sue me. The plane can come back later."
"Really, are you sure?"
"Positive. Now please come back. My situation is starting to get physically painful."
"Sorry. I just got distracted by the plane."
"Make it up to me, and I'll think about - oh, my. Oh my God, Clark - forgiving you."
"Wow, you're amazing. This is like the best vacation ever."
"Oh, wow. Holy God. I think I broke something."
"What, are you okay? Lex?"
"No, I meant that in a good way. Man, that was seismic. How are you feeling?"
"No sand issues."
"Um, Lex, I don't mean to interrupt your afterglow, but I'm pretty sure that seaplane's coming in to land."
"Stupid goddamn rescuers."
"So, shouldn't we make ourselves presentable?"
"In a minute. Just give me a minute. The plane's not going anywhere."
"Lex, I think we should come back here on vacation next year."
"Okay. But next time we bring real food. And booze. And a gun."
"In case of tigers."
"Lex, I told you before, there are no tigers on this island."
"Shut up. It's my island. If I say there are tigers, there are tigers."
"Fine. You're right. But Lex, next time, I'm driving the boat."
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