A/N: This is a very sassy story with bad words. It is not for the cynically-challenged. I actually love Smallville very much, but I think we all have moments where we just get fed up.
Inspired by, and a tribute to, Jennifus' "Shut Up Already" series.....I hope she likes it.
Rated "R" for language.
Once upon a time an opinionated, insensitive fairy named Pixie visited Smallville.
As she flew through the opening credits, she noticed that a very annoying song was playing. Not as annoying as the theme song from the new Star Trek show, but right up there.
"Hey Guys, you're not U2, so quit trying to sound like you are!" She yelled in their general direction.
Soon, Pixie was flying by the Kent farm when she spied Clark gazing at Lana through his telescope.
"Hey, you! I know you're trying to pull off this whole innocent, lovey-dovey, worship-from-afar thing, but it doesn't take away from the inherent creepiness of being a Peeping Tom."
Clark sighed. "But I feel compelled to watch over her because my coming here killed her parents..."
Pixie cut him off. "Bullshit! You just want to see her tits! Also, no one believes that you're fifteen, goober." And with that, she bonked him on the head and flew away to Lana's house.
Lana was sitting on her bed, looking at photos of her parents.
"Oh, mom...dad...I miss you so much. It's so hard to be perky and outgoing, but I must, to hide my inherent loneliness..."
"Oh, give me a break!" Pixie flew in Lana's bedroom window. "You were three when they died! I mean, yes, it was traumatizing to see that and everything, but it's been TWELVE YEARS...let it go! Didn't Nell get you any therapy for Christ's sake?! They were probably dorks anyway: they're names were Laura and Lewis Lang, and they named you Lana? That's just ridiculous!"
Not waiting for a response, she flew down into the kitchen where Nell was sitting.
"Why aren't I in any episodes anymore?" Nell wondered.
"Because you're a whore."
Next Stop: The Talon.
Chloe and Pete were sitting in a booth when Pixie flew over their heads.
"Oh my gosh! I have to get an interview with her! This must have something to do with the meteor rocks!" Chloe exclaimed.
"Actually, no. And `meteor rocks' just sounds retarded. They are * meteors * period."
Chloe was stunned. "I need more coffee."
The fairy turned to Pete. "Nothing to say, Pete?"
He sighed. "No. As the token black kid, I'm only allowed a certain number of scenes, and I used them all up already this season."
"I'm sorry. That doesn't seem fair."
"I know, at least they let me to confess my feelings to Chloe."
"An inter-racial love interest! How shocking and progressive!" Pixie shook her head. "You know, why don't you just come with me and be a fairy too. It's much more fun than playing second banana to an Abercrombie&Fitch model."
Pete smiled. "Ok." Pixie tapped him on the head and it was done.
The two of them flew up over Smallville and spotted Jonathan and Martha Kent at the Farmer's Market. They decided to swoop down and see what they were doing. As usual, Jonathan was bitching about the Luthors.
"I don't care if Lex ends global warming, adopts stray puppies, or makes peace in the Middle East...he's a Luthor, and therefore evil!"
"Wow, you're an ass hole, Mr. Kent." Pete commented. He was beginning to like being a fairy.
"Pete, what happened to you? Are you alright?" Martha asked.
"Yes, I'm fine. This nice fairy turned me into one so that I could have a more interesting life."
"Oh, well as long as you're happy..." Martha smiled.
"Martha, you're such a warm, caring lady. Why do you stick around with this cranky, narrow-minded bigot?"
"Well, we ARE married..." Martha started.
Pixie interrupted, "Honey, you need to dump that zero and get yourself a hero!"
Martha smiled, tossed her pretty, red hair and said, "You're right. Good-bye Jonathan, I'm going to go find that Fordman boy. He looks like he could use some `guidance.'" She sauntered off toward the truck. Jonathan Kent was too shocked to speak.
"Right on, mama!" Pete cheered, as they once again flew into the clouds.
The final stop of the day was the Luthor Mansion. Lex and his father were having an argument in Lex's office when Pixie and Pete flew in. Both men stopped speaking and stared at the two of them. Pixie looked at Lionel.
"Get a haircut, hippie," she sneered.
Lex started to laugh, and his father stormed out of his office, furious.
"I've been wanting to say that for years," he said.
"Oh, Lex. Lex, Lex, Lex...You're such a little man-whore, but I love you. If you promise to quit whining about your daddy and randomly bribing people, I'll make you my little fairy sex slave. Come on, it'll be fun!" Pixie said.
Lex agreed, and Pixie turned him into a fairy, too.
"So, what do we do now?" Pete asked.
"Let's go do something fun...I know! Let's go insult the Sex and the City girls! It's so easy, yet so satisfying."
So Pixie, Pete, and Lex flew off towards HBO, and Lex impressed them both by teaching them how to say "You're all fucking whores," in twelve different languages.