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Obligatory legal boilerplate: These characters aren't mine. If they were, just imagine the Smallville episodes you'd be seeing.
BIZARRE LOVE TRIANGLE
~ ONE ~
Lex Luthor was a Monday kind of guy. While some of his employees might groan at the start of a new workweek, Lex looked forward to seizing the day after a weekend's rest. Every week, every day, every moment was another chance to prove himself at Luthorcorp and/or mack like a pimp.
This Monday was different. No servant woke him and he was in a bedroom that was not his own. A smell wafted up from the floor, from piles of dirty laundry. It smelled like sweat. It smelled like Clark Kent.
'What the hell?' Lex thought. All he could remember of last night was negotiations in Boston with an import/export company. Boston was over a thousand miles from Smallville, yet he didn't remember taking his private jet back here.
Whatever. He felt good.
He also felt funny. Though in unusually perfect health already, his body felt different now. He felt lighter, larger, and a million times stronger.
He saw Clark's large, slightly tanned hand in front of him.
"And how are you this morning?" Lex asked lazily, under his breath. No response. Lex shrugged. He had no idea how he had gotten Clark into bed, but that was okay. He didn't need to know. He had gotten Clark into bed. That was good no matter how it came about.
Though not physically hungover, Lex's memory of the previous night was still blurry. The last thing he could remember was drinking in a pub in Harvard Square, a mile from what had once been the largest cd shop in the city. At the pub he had met Matthew, and the ensuing conversations revealed that Matthew too had been in Smallville during the meteor showers. At first, Lex rolled his eyes - why not have an episode that didn't make reference to the meteor shower? - but then Matthew made himself interesting. He claimed that, ever since the event, he had been blessed with "the power to manipulate fate". Though he would not go into detail on his special powers, Lex knew that this man wasn't the usual Freak of the Week.
Horny and very drunk, Lex had asked a favor of him.
"Yeah, what's that?" Matthew had responded casually.
Lex tried to collect his thoughts that night, but by this point it was like oil tankers doing a three-point turn in the English Channel. "Um... There's this guy... Clark Kent... Yeah, Clark, that's it. Good piece of ass if there ever was one! I want his body," he finally said, in a sudden burst of coherence.
Now the sun was barely up and the room was bathed in the light of dawn. Lex turned over and propped himself on the pillow. Clark's arms were still around him, yet he felt no weight on his back as he gazed at some pictures on the wall. Lex reached up to straighten a photograph of Lana Lang and someone he didn't recognize, presumably another high school student.
Lex looked at the hand straightening the picture. It was Clark's. Wait, that wasn't right; Lex was the one doing it. Lex felt the shiny surface of the photograph, yet Clark was the one who touched it.
"Oh, shit," Lex remarked. His voice above a whisper, he heard the change in it. It had a slightly higher timbre. He said it louder. "Oh shit... Oh shit! Oh shit! OH SHIT!"
He caught the sight of himself in the dresser mirror. Clad in a tee shirt and boxers, the reflection of Clark Kent stared back.
~ TWO ~
Lex froze at the sight, shocked and yet intrigued. His eyes went first to the tousled mop of shiny black hair and, very slowly, he ran his fingers through it. This was not a wig or a toupee. He pulled at a few strands and felt it.
"Oh my God, I have hair!"
Not shocked anymore, and not even angry at that asshole from Boston, he examined his new reflection. Clark had the body of some Roman god, the type immortalized in a sculpture only slightly firmer than his own hard body. With some degree of amusement, Lex took off his clothes and enjoyed the mirror's response. Within moments Lex was naked. Not that the sight of Clark naked was new to Lex - they had been in the locker room together at the local pool numerous times during the preceding summer. Yet this was different. In the locker room, it was a casual glance as Clark quickly changed into his swimming trunks. Now Lex could gaze all he wanted and Clark gazed straight back with the same smoldering sensuality.
For a moment, Lex wondered if this was now technically narcissism. But only for a moment. Then he realized that this was probably the only time that he would ever be able to fuck Clark senseless and yet still have Clark retain that virginal purity which was so tantalizing. Still gazing at the mirror, he thus proceeded to jack off.
Then, as he dressed himself in some of the less offensive-smelling garments on the floor, he wondered where Clark must be. Probably in the body that Lex should be in. 'From Adonis to some guy who went prematurely bald at the age of nine. Christ, what a let-down...' But overall, this was okay with Lex. He owned sixty-nine sports cars and Clark had hung around with him long enough to know that the best way to relieve bad karma was to find a quiet country road and traverse it in a Jaguar, Porsche, or the almighty 1982 Delorian. Blast some Liberace on the imported car stereo, speed along at a hundred and twenty miles an hour, and eventually whatever it was that was bothering you would go away, even if it was just temporarily.
Lex reminded himself that his position was that of a playboy, a suave Casanova, and an overall pimp. Clark might not be able to handle all the gold-digging whores who threw themselves at him, but Lex liked to think that the naive farmboy would at least know what to do with one or two of them. Yes, Clark would have fun, no need to worry about him.
Lex spun around. "Uh..."
"It's time for school, don't you know that? Look!" Martha pointed out the window. "You just missed the bus."
"Gosh darnit," Lex said, trying his best to emulate Clark's vocal and physical mannerisms. It wasn't easy being dense.
"That's okay. You can still have some cereal before going out there. You're faster than the bus anyway."
"Yeah, I guess the truck is faster."
"The truck? I was talking about on foot," Martha said.
"And run faster than the bus?"
"Of course. You do it all the time."
"I do?" Lex's suspicions that Clark wasn't normal began to resurface, months after officially closing the investigation on him.
"Yes. Are you feeling all right, dear?"
"Um, yeah... Mom. Tell me, what's the fastest you've ever seen me run?"
"Seen? Never. You're faster than light. Now tell me, why are you so concerned all of a sudden?"
"I'm not concerned," Lex responded, now grasping more for professional poise than anything Clark-like.
"Well, okay. And if you find you don't have time for cereal, at least grab a couple of granola bars on your way out."
As Lex left the house, tears started to well up in his eyes. The way Martha had treated him was with a mother's love, pure unselfishness. Same for Jonathon. Many times, Lex had wished that he had Clark's parents, instead of that dysfunction junction known as the Luthors.
He ran down the road. Without breaking a sweat, he went so quickly that everything around him started to blur. At least, it would have blurred if his vision wasn't so amazingly good.
Suddenly, Lex realized that things weren't supposed to blur when a person ran. Pausing at the entrance of the school, he calculated the distance to the nearest woods. Five miles northeast. As an experiment, he ran it in under ten seconds.
"Whaaa...?" Lex wondered. Then he closed his eyes and tried to identify exactly what else felt different inside him. Ah, yes, the strength. He took a rock as large as a football and ground it into sand. Then vision. He saw cows grazing a few miles away and counted their every hair. Then... levitation? Alrightie, then. Lex willed himself off the ground and, after some experiments vertically, decided to try for a horizontal direction. Ten feet above the air, his stomach facing the ground, his fingers still going though his hair because goddamnit this was great, he flew to the edge of the forest. Then he decided to try for those cows.
Not wanting to get Clark in trouble, Lex ended his experiments around noon and showed up at the high school like a good little boy. All the while, his mind whirled with what he had learned about Clark. No wonder he had the body of a god; he damn near was one.
~ THREE ~
It happened in science class. The teacher was about to play a video about the environmental effects of human activity, and as she flipped through the channels on the television to find the one that was hooked up to the VCR, Lex saw his face on CNN.
"Mrs. Horndocker!" he exclaimed. "Could you go back to channel seventeen for a second? That's... that's Lex there, Mrs. Horndocker!"
"All right, but only for a second."
On the television, the reporter continued to press his microphone at Lex's face. "This decision has shaken up Luthorcorp on all levels, Mr. Luthor. Tell us, why did you break of negotiations with Marvin Imports? Your company seemed to have a steady relationship with them."
"It was the only ethical thing to do," the Lex on the television explained. "They subcontract sweatshops that use child labor. Luthorcorp can't support this."
"But they have for twenty years," the reporter responded.
"This is a new thing we've learned, sir," the imposter said.
'Bullshit,' Lex thought.
"Luthorcorp's stock has already dropped ten points today. Doesn't that bother you?" the reporter asked.
"Slightly, but I believe that it's worth it. Money isn't everything. In fact, part of the money that we would have spent with Marvin Imports is now going to Amnesty International, specifically to help the children in those sweatshops. After all, Luthorcorp strives for nothing less than the lofty goal of making life better and easier for every person on earth."
"You idiot..." Lex muttered under his breath. Yet at the same time, it made sense. Clark was a boy scout who just wanted to do good. Inserting foreign elements like ethics and charity into Luthorcorp's business policy was just the type of thing that he would do.
"Wow, that's really great," Lana remarked behind him.
"Seriously? Lionel Luthor must be a having a stroke right now."
"But wouldn't it have been his idea?"
"I... don't think so."
"Shh!" Mrs. Horndocker quieted them. She was starting the tape.
"After this class is over, leave school with me," Lex whispered. He looked at Lana as he spoke. She looked different than usual, with her hair an unparted mess and clothed in a baggy unisex tee-shirt and jeans. Though Lex had a viable explanation for Clark's own badly-done hair today (the last time a comb had been taken to Lex's head, it was his nurse Pam who had been doing it and now Lex was ecstatic to just go through the scalp with his fingers), he could not help but wonder why Lana looked so casual.
"But I have English," Lana responded in the same quiet tone.
"Fuck English, you know the language well enough."
"Clark, did you just cuss? Gosh, you have been hanging around Lex too much! Besides, what do you want to do?"
Lex smiled. "There's this place I know, really private, where we can -"
"Shh!" Mrs. Horndocker interrupted again.
"I know what you mean, Clark," Lana said, in an even lower whisper.
"You do?" Lex asked. Though Clark knew Lana well enough, Lex really had no idea on where she stood with this sort of thing. But he knew that Clark would thank him for this whenever they switched bodies again. If they switched bodies again.
"Don't think Whitney will like it, but then, who has to know?"
"Huh. I honestly imagined you'd be more worried about your virginity."
"What virginity? This is the WB, for crying out loud. Besides, you've always been the one I've wanted anyway."
~ FOUR ~
Ever since Lex had met Clark, the idea of becoming lovers had always been something that Lex was not sure of. On one hand, Clark was one of the most attractive people he had yet to meet. On the other, Clark was underage, and if Lionel's extramarital affairs before his wife's death hadn't rocked Luthorcorp enough, this would. So in a way, Lex had been relieved when he learned that he had not screwed Clark, he just was Clark.
Though Lex was not the epitome of ethics, he had one rule that he always adhered to: "Thou shall not break up a happy relationship between two other people for thy own sexual benefits." It was with in mind that he advised Clark about what to do with Lana. If Clark was happy with someone else, then perhaps Lex could find another love too.
Thus, what Lex did in the woods was simply the cementing of Clark and Lana's relationship. With Lex's knowledge of the Kama Sutra and Clark's superhuman body, there was no doubt of Lana's satisfaction as Lex made love to her.
Afterward, still in the woods where he had tried out his superpowers a few hours earlier, Lex asked Lana if she had ever noticed anything strange about him.
"Not particularly. You have a tan even though this is Kansas, are unusually good-looking, and very moody at times - but then on the WB, isn't everyone?"
With a smile, Lex took her in his arms. "Where do you want to go?" he asked.
"Why, anyplace is good enough for me."
"Then we're going to Boston, to pay Lex a little visit. Shall we?"
"But how? Don't tell me you bought plane tickets."
"Dear, when you're with me, you don't need a plane to fly."
They left the ground, Lana's eyes wide. "Clark, what are you doing?!" she exclaimed.
"Defying the laws of gravity. Do you have a problem with that?"
"I - I guess not!" Lana laughed, amazed at seeing the ground hundreds of feet below them.
~ FIVE ~
They arrived in Boston within a minute, but it took Lex hours to find Matthew. He told Lana that he was actually looking for Lex Luthor, but this was not a total lie; perhaps one would know where the other was.
Matthew was not at the pub in Harvard Square. He was at another pub, a few miles uptown in Malden. Leaving Lana at the door, Lex approached him at the bar.
"You bastard," he said.
"Who are you?" Matthew asked.
"I'm Lex Luthor. Listen, when I said that I wanted Clark Kent's body, this isn't what I meant!"
"Well, I didn't know you were a fag. Millions of guys wanna be someone else."
"I'm not a fag - at least not completely - but that's not the point. Point is, this is fun and all, but I'd really like to reclaim my life now - before Clark screws it up any further! Please, for the love of God, tell me that you can do that."
"Oh, sure thing."
Lex blinked. When he opened his eyes again, he was in the Boston branch of Luthorcorp, facing his father. His hand went to his head and he felt nothing but skin. And for the first time ever, being bald and being near his father actually seemed to a good thing. Clark's may have been an idyllic life, but Lex felt infinitely more comfortable in his own skin.
"Are you trying to kill me?" Lionel asked.
"Stock fell ten points this morning, and then another twenty after that! Do you know how many of our stockholders are currently at our throats?"
"It was the only ethical thing to do," Lex responded, deciding to stick by Clark's well-intended though perhaps unwise decision. "Did you know that they were using child labor?"
"No, I never asked. And neither should you. Money is money!"
Lex thought for a moment, trying to remember documents he had read yesterday. "Are you familiar with the name Wayne Industries?"
"You should be. They've just begun to venture into the import business, but their success is growing rapidly. Within five years, they may even put Marvin Imports out of business. I've researched Wayne Industries, and not only can they handle the volume that we require at prices lower than Marvin Imports', but their factories only employ adults, and at relatively fair wages... Considering the problems that Wal-Mart and Nike had after their child labor scandals, I think that Luthorcorp would do well to go with Wayne Industries."
"That's brilliant," Lionel responded, slightly shocked at this sudden show of intelligence. "Make a show of ethics and then find the better deal anyway? It seems you have learned something from me after all. Have the secretary call them tomorrow and we'll set up something."
"That won't be necessary. The company head has spent the last week vacationing in Smallville and I think he'll still be there when he get back."
"Really? Christ, wonder why anyone would want to go to that cow-town."
"I don't know. Perhaps Bruce Wayne can explain it when we meet him."
~ SIX ~
The next day found Clark in a more normal state of mind, normal because it was actually his own. He ate oatmeal with his parents, missed the bus again, and found Lana at her locker as usual.
"Hi," he said. "Did you get enough material for that article you're contributing to the Torch?"
"You mean the one about how well girls understand guys? Yeah, I'd say I'm pretty well-versed now. And you?" Lana responded.
"I'm fine. But do you think we should tell Lex?"
"Tell Lex what?" Lana asked.
"I think he's still working on the assumption that only one body switch was made."
"I dunno. What did you say to make Matthew do that anyway?"
"I said, 'There's this girl, Lana Lang, and I want to understand her better. Besides, she's writing this article on the sexes and perhaps being in a guy's body could help her.'"
"No, really, what did you say?" Lana pressed, for once not accepting the overly sentimental bullshit that occasionally passes for dialogue on this show.
"I said... I said that I wanted your body." Clark blushed.
"Aww, how sweet!" Lana hugged him. "So, what did you do once you were me?"
"Let's go to the woods. I'll show you."
~ THE END ~