Disclaimers: If they belonged to me, I'd happily be the designated driver.
Summary: What do you do with a drunken Lex?
Ratings Note: NC-17.
Author's Note: Ah, the late night IRC crew. Blame them. Especially Bas, for putting the idea in my head.
Acknowledgments: To all the girls I've loved before...
Feedback is my anti-drug. email@example.com
"Lex... how drunk are you?"
"That's not important right now, Clark," said Lex, patting Clark's shoulder and blinking owlishly. "What's important is... is. Um."
"Yes?" Clark tried to sound helpful, but he didn't think it mattered much to the man in the passenger seat. Lex was wasted.
"Yes. What's important is your education."
"My... education. Okay..."
"Not just your education, Clark."
Clark chuckled quietly and tried to pay attention to the road. The way Lex was sprawled, he'd be in the truck's footwell any second now. "No?"
"No. Your education in the ways of the world."
"Is this The Talk? Because I've had The Talk, Lex, I swear."
Lex gave him a slow, sly grin. "Really."
Clark snorted. "Could you make that sound any more sleazy?"
"Hmm... try: 'reeeeeallllly.'"
"Now you just sound like Jim Carrey, Lex."
"I can talk with my ass, you know."
"You do realize I'm going to remind you of this conversation when you're sober, don't you? Like, every day for years?"
Lex waved airily. "Such concerns are beneath me. But I was talking about something. Something important."
"Even more important than my ass, Clark. Pay attention, these are weighty matters. Weighty. Isn't that a great word?"
"Uh... if you say so..."
"I do say so. Now. Your education is... lacking."
Clark rolled his eyes and wondered how far out of Smallville they were. It was harder to tell when he wasn't running. "How so?"
"Well, for one thing... tell me a dirty joke."
"A dirty joke. C'mon, you're a teenaged boy, it's America, you've gotta know one or two."
"You want me to tell you a dirty joke." Clark glanced over to find Lex struggling mostly ineffectually to get back up on the seat.
"Yes. Go on."
"Uh... okay. A blonde walks into a bar --"
"What, no? It's a good joke."
"It's a bar joke, Clark. It's..." Lex was making a complex gesture with his hands. It looked like he was trying to make butterfly shadow puppets. He was sliding down into the footwell again. "It's played."
"Played? Have we moved to the hip hop portion of the evening?"
Lex glared at him darkly. "Don't mock my up-to-the-minute syntax, farmboy. I'm trying to teach you something."
"About dirty jokes."
"Yes. No. Sort of." Another complex gesture. "Look."
"Look at the road! Listen."
"Shh!" Lex hauled himself upright and gestured like a conductor before the orchestra's crescendo. "There once was a man from Canisus / whose balls were two different sizes / one was so small / it was no ball at all / and the other was huge and won prizes." Lex nodded with satisfaction.
"A limerick? You told me a limerick?"
"A dirty limerick. About testicles. The dangles of the flopsy dangles. It's funny."
"Well, okay, but explain to me how a dirty limerick is better than a bar joke. A bar joke with blonde joke possibilities, mind you."
Lex buried his face in his hands. "Clark, Clark, Clark."
At least, that's what it sounded like. It was pretty muffled.
Lex looked up again, and fixed Clark with a look.
"You compare bar jokes to limericks and expect me to believe you aren't in need of education?" Lex shook his head, reached out and grabbed Clark's shoulder again, shaking it wildly.
He suspected that a human would probably be reeling back and forth from the pressure Lex was putting on, but figured that keeping them from a flaming car wreck would excuse the use of his strength. "Um... yes?"
"Limericks! Have a grand, noble tradition. Long. Noble. Grand."
"You said that already, Lex." Clark smirked at the road. God, years of torture for this. Years.
"It doesn't make it less true. In fact, I dare say it makes it more true, so I'll say it again. Grand. Noble."
"Do not forget noble. Listen --"
"Are you going to tell me another dirty limerick?"
"Yes, now shut up: 'There once was a young man named Hunt / who believed that he had a cunt / but his doctor sighed long / and told Hunt 'you are wrong, / your ass is just placed back to front.'"
Clark snorted. "Um... ew?"
"See? Do you see?"
"That you've lost your mind? Yes."
Lex shook his shoulder some more. "Clark."
"I was just trying to get in the mood."
"Oh. Well, that's all right, then, but you're still... you're hopeless."
"Hey! I have a lot of hope!"
Lex sighed gustily. "No, no, Clark, I'm afraid you don't." He was sliding down into the footwell again. "See... the thing is... the thing is this."
"Don't get snippy."
"Hush. Shhh. Shh. Hush-a-bye, baby..."
"Are you singing?"
"Well, not now. Look. Limericks."
"But are you listening? Ah, yes, that's the question. See, much as a dream is a wish your heart makes -- listen! -- a limerick is a joke your... um. Your poet. Makes."
"Shut up, I'm being philuph... philohex... shit. Where are we?"
"I-55, on the way to Smallville."
"Oh, Christ. I think I'm starting to get sober again. Stop, pull over."
Clark did so. "Are you going to be sick? Do you need help?"
"I need scotch. Oh God, don't let me get sober..."
"You're going to want to be sober eventually, Lex."
"I will not." Lex was scrubbing his eyes like a kid.
Clark hid a smile behind his hand. It really was way too cute. "So the next time you go to a board meeting you want to be drunk?"
"No. The next time I go to a board meeting I want to be tripping. I want to watch the trails fly from my father's hair and dance on the table and kiss Dominic full on the mouth."
There was a brief pause. "To which?"
"Well, your dad's hair, for one, but c'mon, Lex, Dominic? He's got that awful mustache."
"You're objecting to his mustache?"
"It's pretty hideous."
Lex snorted quietly. "But not the kissing."
Clark hid another smile. Drunk Lex was an infinitely less smooth Lex. He blinked at him innocently. "Better than the table dancing."
"I'll have you know I'm an excellent table dancer."
Clark choked. "The images, Lex. Pasties!"
"Glittery, sparkly pasties."
"Sequins on your thong?"
"Well, I prefer a posing pouch, but yes."
"Suddenly, I'm beginning to understand your Dad."
Lex snickered. "Okay, now you need Scotch. Where the hell did I put it..." And Lex fumbled in his jacket, pulling an etched silver flask seemingly out of nowhere. "Ahh. That's better." Spun off the cap and took a long swallow before offering it to Clark.
"Uh... the whole designated driver principle would kind of be defeated if I took that, Lex."
"Hmm. You have a point. Still, though. It's no fun to be the only one stupidly drunk."
"Are you gonna tell me more limericks?"
"Limericks? Oh God..."
Clark snickered. "C'mon, let your inner poet run wild and free."
Lex took another swallow and put his feet up on the dash. "My inner poet died of consumption years ago. My inner bullshitter, now..."
"Like unto the horsey, Clark. Mm. Why do you put up with me?"
"It's not everyday you get to watch a jazillionaire tell dirty limericks, Lex." Clark pulled the keys out of the ignition and shifted so he could face Lex a little.
But Lex's brow was furrowed, and he was staring out into the endless corn.
"Seriously. I tease you, I question you, I do everything short of stalking you, and you... pick me up in the middle of the night and indulge my need to babble when shitfaced." Lex looked over at last, eyes dark and gleaming. "Clark, you give a man ideas."
Ideas? Apparently, alcohol just made Lex's mood swings faster and harder to predict. "Well, us stalkers have to stick together."
"Mm. That's one reason."
"Are there others?"
Brief, sharp smile. "That's my question. I would... I would like very much to get you drunk -- rip, roaring, run through the fields like a lunatic drunk and..."
"And?" Clark's voice was small.
Another smile. "Play with you. Just... play. Hide and seek. I've got this big ass castle..." And Lex was snickering.
"You remember how I told you once that you weren't a freak?"
"You're taking it back?"
"Very much so."
"Ha. Blow me."
"Take my dick out of my pants, wrap your pretty mouth around it, and suck. Me. Off." Lex was staring out the window again, face blank and eyes closed.
And Clark... shivered. There was a moment when his mind was helpfully suggesting all sorts of ways he could respond to that, but it didn't stop him from shifting in his seat. Lex flickered a look his way, half a smile that Clark couldn't respond to with anything but his bent head.
"Clark, Jesus --!"
Clark looked up awkwardly from where he was working on Lex's fly and smiled, a little meanly. "I won't believe you if you say you were kidding."
"Just because I want it is no reason... fuck --"
"You're hard, and you're too drunk to play me like you usually do, so... shut up."
"Don't... don't make me tell you another limerick..."
Clark laughed softly against Lex's boxers, breathed humid over them when it made Lex twitch. In the absence of having any idea of what he was doing, he was just going to go with anything that made Lex lose a little (more) control. "I don't care."
"That's what... that's what you say now oh Jesus Clark --"
Sucking hard on the head of Lex's cock through the silk and there was a tentative hand on his head. Sweetly shaky and gentle. "How long have you wanted me to do this?"
"Trojan horse -- ah -- do that again... you were looking... so fucking young --"
Clark laughed again. "Pervert." Eased Lex's boxers down over his erection and listened to Lex trying to catch his breath. Easier than dealing with his own... it wasn't shock. He'd already guessed, but... God. Licked Lex's mound. Did it again to get a better sense of the taste. Salty-hot and something sweet and mild that might've been soap. Lex's cock bumped and nuzzled his cheek and Lex's hands were getting bolder.
"Yeah... yeah, Clark, I'm a sick fuck. Wanna do... so many things. Suck me. Please." Last word bitten off exactly as it should be and Clark couldn't hold in a moan.
Mouthed the rest of it onto the base of Lex's cock, opening wide and letting himself drool. Sucking there because it was all the tease he could manage and he wanted to tease.
Not a part of the jerk-off fantasies, or even the vague little wishthoughts that snuck into his head just before sleep.
Something else entirely to have Lex in his truck, hands tugging his hair and babbling out... what?
"... man from Rangoon, whose father came far too... too soon oh fuck Clark please --"
Clark choked on his own laugh and licked his way up the shaft, shuddering at the feel of pre-come painting his cheek. "Freak."
"He hadn't the luck, to be born of a fuck, but was scraped off the sheet with a spoon..." And Lex was laughing, thrusting at Clark's mouth wildly, jerking back when the head brushed against Clark's helpless smile. "Ah God, Clark, please do it..."
Opened his mouth and sucked in the head, feeling something white-hot and raw coil in his belly and make his cock just throb at the high whining noise Lex made.
"Yeah... yeah, that's... can't believe -- fuck --"
Clark wrapped his fist around the base of Lex's cock and squeezed, catching pre-come on his tongue and moaning and --
His own name broken on Lex's tongue and if this wasn't precisely what he'd imagined with a drunken Lex at his disposal, it was still pretty sweet. Clark smiled around Lex's cock and went down until he could kiss his fist, an odd sensation he couldn't quite classify, but Lex felt good.
Tasted good, yeah, better than his own, and not even the feel of his own blush could make Clark stop, because... God.
Lex's cock in his mouth, heavy and hard and thickening and --
"Oh God Clark oh fuck me --"
Too much, way too good, and Clark had to give himself a vicious squeeze to keep from coming in his pants because, yeah, that was possible, too...
"You like that... ohhh... oh, yeah, Clark... I'd let you. Bend me over... over the hood of this stupid truck. Fuck me so hard -- ah --"
And Clark was groaning around Lex's cock, couldn't stop, pushing up against Lex's hand until he got the hint and let Clark fuck his mouth that way. Blunt head of Lex's cock bumping hard against the back of his throat, sweet slick slide of the shaft over and over his lips --
"Oh, you're so good, you're so fucking perfect how did I --"
Rush of feeling nothing like orgasm and Clark wanted to scream or cry or laugh or beg or anything to get more of this and know he wouldn't have to stop. Swallowed convulsively and suddenly Lex was in his throat.
Heard himself make a keening noise as Lex froze all over for a moment, moved his hand and swallowed again and Lex was inside, hands tight in Clark's hair and pumping those slim pale hips and fucking Clark.
Up and up and up and Clark kept sucking, kept moving his tongue because he thought it might be the only thing keeping him sane and --
Lex thrust hard and came down his throat, gasping and shaking his way through it and holding Clark in tight for long moments until he finally fell back against the seat.
Clark swallowed and swallowed until Lex whimpered and he remembered how sensitive he got after coming. Pulled off slowly and sat up, falling back against the driver's side door, dazed and aching and wide-eyed.
Lex was sprawled against the seat, panting and tucking himself away with slow, jerky motions. "Fuck."
Lex licked his lips. Turned slowly to Clark and looked him up and down, smiling.
Clark realized he was still holding his dick through his pants like it might try to get away at any moment. Hell, it might if Lex kept looking at him like that.
Luthor Scion Assaulted By Alien Penis, news at eleven. Clark started laughing and couldn't stop until he had a lapful of Lex, kissing him hard, pushing him back and tilting his head for a better angle and God, just taking the kiss.
Licking every trace of himself out of Clark's mouth and turning every laugh to something deeper, darker.
"Lex..." God, so hard it might kill him.
"Yeah... you're so fucking pretty, Clark..."
And Lex undid his fly easily, one-handed. Other hand pressed against the center of his chest and very clearly telling Clark to stay put. God, Lex's hand. Strong and oddly callused, or maybe it was the angle, and Clark thrust up into it once, again when it made Lex tighten his hold.
"You ready for me, Clark?"
Clark had no words for the sound he made.
"I'll take that as a yes..." And then Lex shifted back just enough to --
Oh Jesus God.
Swallowed Clark down in one smooth move, making it look effortless, and Clark was scrabbling for something to hold onto that wouldn't break or bleed as Lex hummed and sucked and swallowed --
Hot and slick and tight, so... so fucking tight and Clark finally clasped his hands behind his head and focused on not thrusting hard enough to send Lex flying, but Jesus so good --
"Lex oh Lex I want... your mouth oh please don't stop oh God God --"
Hand behind his balls, one insinuating finger slipping, pressing --
And Clark heard his knuckles crack and came hard enough to see colors, squeezing his eyes shut and babbling nothing he could make sense of as Lex swallowed, God, all of him.
Came back to himself with a shuddering sigh that was promptly swallowed by Lex.
More kisses. Yes, please. Clark wasn't sure he had any brain cells left, but it absolutely didn't matter when Lex was sharing Clark's come like that. Slow and messy and oh, God, sex.
Disentangled his hands from each other and wrapped his arms around Lex, pulling him in close and deepening the kiss as much as he could.
Lex was all muscle, lean and hard and hot against him. Perfect.
Eventually, Clark settled them into something close to horizontal with Lex's mouth pressed against his throat. Wet, soft mouth making him shiver.
Clark stared up at the roof of the truck and tried to remember the basics of who he was.
Clark Kent, check.
Virgin, no check. An emphatic lack of check, as a matter of fact.
Clark grinned and squeezed Lex a little. "You still conscious?"
"Why? Planning on taking advantage of my drunkenness some more?"
Lex punched him in the ribs. "I'm kidding. Take advantage at will. I'll drink more if you think it'll help."
Clark could feel the smile against his skin. "God, such a freak."
"Mm-hmm. But you have more life experience now, don't you?"
"You're not really going to try to apply this to limericks, are you?"
"Hmm... There once was a farmboy named Clark --"
"I will make you walk home."
"... who molested rich boys in the dark..."
"It's a really long walk, Lex."
"Um... lessee... he sucked and he sucked, but he still hasn't fucked --"
"Is there any better reason to park?"
"I hate you."
Lex snickered. "My inner poet kicks ass, just admit it."
Clark groaned. "I'm never letting you drink again."
"Hmmph. You're just jealous."
"Yeah, well, the last line had too many syllables."
"You're criticizing my limerick form?"
"Damned right, I am."
"I really, really, really hate you."
"Suck my cock."
Clark snickered helplessly. So maybe he'd let Lex get a little drunk sometime in the future.
A long, long time in the future.
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